Dear Elisabeth:

You wrote that you want to forgive yourself “for wanting a normal relationship” with your father, as if it was a wrong for a child (and an adult-child) to want to have a loving relationship with a parent..?

Forgiving, as in no longer feeling angry, is a process, incremental and not linear. You can be free of anger for a long time and then it returns. It doesn’t mean you have failed to forgive. It means the process is not linear. Ceasing contact with him is a good idea. If you are in contact with relatives who keep telling you that he is a great person and that you should continue to put your feelings aside, maybe you shouldn’t be in contact with them either, if they refuse to respect your position.

From my experience, my anger toward my mother has been lessened and almost non existent now as her voice in my head (her mental representative aka the Superego in Freud terminology) stop doing her job of abusing me.

anita

Hi Elisabeth,

Dealing with a narcissistic father must be tough, exhausting, and defeating. A lot of work in establishing self-love and acceptance is needed to not let the way he treated you affect you in such a strong way anymore. While you are experiencing this anger, I would suggest creative outlets if you have some you are privy to or trying some you have always wanted to try. Also feel the pain; scream, cry, write a letter to him(that you never send). It is scary to feel the pain and I know it is easier said than done but to fully be liberated from it, it has to be felt and that core belief that he created in you that you are unworthy and that your feelings aren’t valid is just plain wrong. I also think it’d be great for you to meditate upon your heart and to tap into the love that sits inside of there waiting for you to reclaim it 🙂

Best of luck,

Brittany

Hi Elisabeth,

In a normal person (and yes, you are normal!) the feeling of anger is a signal that something is wrong. And believe me, your father is wrong! I have written a couple of posts about my own emotionally absent narcissistic father if you want to go in my forum history here. I have gotten many amazing responses!

What I tell myself is this: “Wow. He missed out on so much.” Reframing the situation in this way has helped.

And also the decision (for me) to be the Good Daughter and visit him on or around his birthday and holidays.

He is such a narcissist I know he loves the attention, but it would never cross his mind (even randomly) to call me. Six visits/phone calls to him a year I can live with.

And guess what? All the other people who feed his narcissism? He doesn’t call them either. And they know it. If they dropped the rope you think he would contact them? Nope!

And lastly, I act as if I am beloved. I literally imagine God as my real father. I have a visualization where an angel hands my dad a letter written in gold saying that I am God’s child now and that dad gets to see me on certain days of the year. And that on other days he needs to get special permission to see me. My dad sputters in narcissistic rage but is too afraid of the angel to act on it.

Remember, we aren’t set aside, we’re set apart.

Blessings,

Inky