It hurts me even more deeply for she was always there for me, day or night, to provide moral support, as a voice to listen to my problems. To share songs with me, to advice me. Now I’m so used to her messages, it hurts so badly. And I have to pretend to be ok before my friends and family. This is agony.

I had already mentioned the entire tale a few weeks ago and I have added the link here. But just in case if the link is not working, To tell you in a short manner, we met in one of the online chat rooms, engaged in a little cam fun, then became good friends, watched movies, shared songs, books, problems, all online. We are from different countries. She was married when we met, but she was contemplating divorce back then. Even otherwise I shouldn’t have had any sexual fun (but I was dumb and didn’t think it was a big deal since it was just online. Now I know better and regret it deeply. Feel guilty as hell.) I also came to know her husband is reforming but the girl said she to me she was ‘falling’ for me. I at once made it clear to her, that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I also started to disengage myself slowly from her. She has already had a tough childhood, was depressed, had several bouts of depression and I was sort of a relief for her (not sexually, I mean I also provided her moral support. 95% of the times it was all just friendly.) She had twice took more than required tabs and ended up in a hospital. She has two kids, a wonderful husband (whom i’m hearing good things about in recent times, but don’t know him personally.) I’m afraid she would harm herself if I continued on. And I don’t want to ruin a good family (more than I already have). She says she is just expecting to be friends. In the past year, we have done nothing inappropriate. I have reformed. She feels me to be special for her. I find her a very good friend, I do care for her, but nothing more. I don’t want a good family to suffer. So I said I won’t be messaging as much as before. But she was clingy and felt offended, as if I had “used” her and thrown her like a toy. I spent several months not knowing what to do. If I behaved friendly again, she might get more attached to me. If I said politely or indirectly that I don’t want anything serious with her, she starts to blame herself as being ‘unworthy’ for me. If I act rough (just to make myself seem a bad guy) I’m afraid she would be devastated. People in the earlier post in this same forum suggested I split from her. My close friends feel the same too and I agree. I have done enough harm. I couldn’t forgive myself. Guilt, Stress, Anxiety have been plaguing me. I pray for all of our well-being and repent for my mistakes. That is all I could do. I am never gonna get into relationships ever again. I am traumatized for life. I cannot contact her husband and it would be wrong if i did. I hope she doesn’t harm herself in any manner.

Thanks a ton Anita.

You’ve always been a patient and kind responder. May all good come to you.

The toughest aspect of this whole ordeal is, not having anyone to share this with anyone in real life. If it had been a proper relationship with a girl or a divorce with a wife, people would have been more supportive. This “online” thing would only put me to shame more, if shared with family members or friends. So i’ve got to act like I’m normal and active, hide my sadness of separating from her. I do not know what she had expected from me or what I could have offered. Maybe companionship. That’s the only thing I was good for. But she was the first girl to ever treat me with such importance, in my whole life. So it hurts to have let her go. She had twice before taken extra tabs and tried to commit suicide. So that was the biggest scare for me. I do not want to be responsible for a person’s suffering. If she is gone or is in serious depression, as a result of my separation, think of her husband and kids. What bad did they do to endure her in that state? I have all the fun and leave her devastated for them to deal with? This is the primary reason for my guilt. In most instances of people with a background of suicidal tendencies, we are advised to make aware the person’s loved ones to keep extra eyes on that person. Unfortunately I do not know how to contact her husband or her parents. And even if I did, what could I possibly say? It would only expose her and get her into trouble. Predicaments all around. There are men out there who seduce women, disrespect them, rape them, harm them in a million ways and get away with it all. I might not have done to that level physically. But I have shown her how caring I could be, and then suddenly pulled away. I can understand the desperation in her. Its like showing a hungry man a whole juicy pizza and then taking it away before he could take a bite. She was emotionally starved and lonely. I had without knowing sufficiently of her background shown immense attention, care and affection, thinking I was impressing her. Now when I come to know she is ‘falling’ for me, I had to pull out. I can clearly see I’m at fault. But I honestly wasn’t aware of the kind of impact my actions are having. Right now, praying is all I could do. As ever, I make the mistakes and leave God to fix it. 🙁

It’s been weeks since I messaged her. I constantly think about how she feels and if she is fine and has gotten over the separation from me. Now that the initial relief is gone, sadness seeps in. We had been msging so much before, she had practically become a voice in my mind that I could turn to when things got tough. Now I feel that vaccuum. All sorts of repressed and untended emotions surface. I’m kind of traumatised actually. On one side, I miss her. On the other, I’m afraid of undergoing the same again with another person, preventing me from approaching girls who I find attractive at work or in my social circle. The songs we listened to, the movies we watched and the books we read together keeps reminding me of her. I also remember all those tough times when she supported me and gave me encouragement and emotional support, especially during my mother’s sickness. Now whenever I see another girl, I am afraid what sorts of new memories I might form with them and how those will haunt me when I separate from that new person. Of course separation is inevitable, sickness, divorce, breakups, death, age. If I outlive my partner I will endure those memories. And I’m afraid to make memories with anyone, after the good memories with this friend keeps haunting me after our separation.