This is a great topic that a lot of people struggle with including me. I think being in a 12 step program (I am now on step 11) has really helped me. I think it really started in my early childhood. I was neglected terribly by an Alcololic mother, and although my Dad loved me very much, he had to travel so much for his work, not knowing my mother would leave me and my siblings alone while she went on drinking binges. Luckily we were taken away from her By the courts, but the damage had been done.

I remember, if I tried to be a perfect little girl and not cry or ask for anything, and keep my room clean, my Mom might not leave to go to a bar and just maybe, I could get her to love me, which never worked. Or if I pleased my Dad, he would not leave so much to travel and I would get more love and affection from him. That’s how it all started. I needed validation from others that I was okay, worthy and a loveable or at least a likeable person.

I think the key is to do things that make you feel good about yourself. When you do this, you will not feel you need to be the nice guy or likeable, because you are already feeling good about yourself without pleasing anyone else.

Try to stay away from toxic people or avoid them as much as you can, because you will find the urge to please or gain their approval as well. When you are around people who love themselves, they will spread that love into the universe and others including you, and you won’t feel the desire to please them.

You already know you are a nice guy, so there are always going to be people out there that don’t like you or approve of what you say or do. Research has shown that at least 50 percent of people are not going to agree with us. I learned this whole obtaining my Psychology degree. And that is their problem not yours. If someone disagrees, just say that’s okay that we don’t agree, we are just different and let it go, don’t fight or argue with them, it never works.

Set boundaries. Start slowly. Its easy for people pleasers to always want to help other’s, and they end up not knowing how to say no to requests, then they get resentful. So start slowly, it’s okay to say no. People will be okay with that, they will understand you have other obligations, if not, you don’t need them in your life, so try to avoid people who drain your emotions, and energy and just sort of suck the life out of you, by always expecting you to be there.

Try to need and reach out to other people for help too. This way, people will understand that you too, have struggled and needs and they will back off. I hope this helps.

Dear Troy:

Interesting: your last two lines read to me like you being focused on what others will think of you if you express your likes, opinions, etc., not wanting others to think that you are a “me, me, me” kind of a person. This is in line with the theme of your thread-

sometime along the way, maybe starting in high school, you got deeper and deeper into the mindset that the way for you to make things happen in your life to your benefit, is to cause other people to make those things happen in your life. It is up to them, therefore, better please them, better… and getting deeper, you almost… become them.

There is a term: Locus of Control. People with External Locus of Control believe events in their lives derive primarily from other people’s actions, hence the focus is on other people, to the exclusion of self.

People with a strong Internal Locus of Control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions. A comfortable, centered, confident mindset follows this mindset.

Back to your question, how to present to others your likes, opinions, etc.- start small, one sentence. Then pause. If the other person asks you a question about what you just shared, answer it with one or two or so sentences. Take it from there. Most personal conversation between people should include all the  individuals in it.

anita

Hi Troy,

I think the self – help books sort of psyched you put in a way. Let me know what you think. Many of them are outdated. They put too much expectations on people. I think positive affirmations are okay up to a point, but in truth, they are not reality. We just can’t be all this and all that all the time. For example, if someone suffers from chronic debilitating depression, it’s like telling them “snap out of it! And just be happy! You can choose to be happy, so just be happy!.

Would we tell that to a friend who struggles with schitzoohrenia, borderline personality disorder, manic depression, etc? These are real illnesses and can’t be willed away. It is an illness that is helped by Psychotherapy, DBT therapy, Atypical antipsychotics medications, antidepressants, intensive outpatient or hospitalized therapy etc. We can’t choose to “be happy” and “awesome” all the time, we are not wired that way, and I don’t want to be that way. We all have our flaws, vulnerabilities, and when we show our vulnerabilities to another person, that is what makes us loved. No one likes a perfect person, or someone pretending to be who they are not. Try to not think about those books anymore because they are not reality and too restrictive, and many people do not find constant positive affirmations helpful, research has shown. Just keep being who you are,  do things you like and not what other people like, things that take the pressure off, and good things will start to happen.

Dear Troy:

I am thinking that you may suffer from Self Help Overload Syndrome (SHOS, I just made up the term and acronym). You listened  to self-help audiobooks when you were walking, driving, gardening, brushing your teeth… “any time I can multi-task I would listen to self-development audiobooks.”

You wrote that you are ambitious. And “toward the end of high school I started reading self help books which their extremely big claims like ‘you can be anything’ ‘you can do anything’ ‘always be confident’ ‘if you do this you can xyz'”

These self-help books principles work in contexts, not in others. For example, “you can do anything” – not in all contexts, better not try to defy gravity- you can’t do that! . “Always be confident” confident- in the context of a sales job, showing confidence in the product, yes, but in a close relationship, appearing vulnerable when you feel vulnerable is appropriate and fosters intimacy.

I am thinking that you feel uncomfortable in those contexts where the Self Help books principles do not work.

anita

You are welcome, Troy. Post anytime.

anita