This is a great topic that a lot of people struggle with including me. I think being in a 12 step program (I am now on step 11) has really helped me. I think it really started in my early childhood. I was neglected terribly by an Alcololic mother, and although my Dad loved me very much, he had to travel so much for his work, not knowing my mother would leave me and my siblings alone while she went on drinking binges. Luckily we were taken away from her By the courts, but the damage had been done.

I remember, if I tried to be a perfect little girl and not cry or ask for anything, and keep my room clean, my Mom might not leave to go to a bar and just maybe, I could get her to love me, which never worked. Or if I pleased my Dad, he would not leave so much to travel and I would get more love and affection from him. That’s how it all started. I needed validation from others that I was okay, worthy and a loveable or at least a likeable person.

I think the key is to do things that make you feel good about yourself. When you do this, you will not feel you need to be the nice guy or likeable, because you are already feeling good about yourself without pleasing anyone else.

Try to stay away from toxic people or avoid them as much as you can, because you will find the urge to please or gain their approval as well. When you are around people who love themselves, they will spread that love into the universe and others including you, and you won’t feel the desire to please them.

You already know you are a nice guy, so there are always going to be people out there that don’t like you or approve of what you say or do. Research has shown that at least 50 percent of people are not going to agree with us. I learned this whole obtaining my Psychology degree. And that is their problem not yours. If someone disagrees, just say that’s okay that we don’t agree, we are just different and let it go, don’t fight or argue with them, it never works.

Set boundaries. Start slowly. Its easy for people pleasers to always want to help other’s, and they end up not knowing how to say no to requests, then they get resentful. So start slowly, it’s okay to say no. People will be okay with that, they will understand you have other obligations, if not, you don’t need them in your life, so try to avoid people who drain your emotions, and energy and just sort of suck the life out of you, by always expecting you to be there.

Try to need and reach out to other people for help too. This way, people will understand that you too, have struggled and needs and they will back off. I hope this helps.