Dear Nick:

Of the examples you gave, I found the following being inappropriate:

1. “I remember when I was 10, I was walking around in a towel and my mom kept on saying ‘Ooh, I want to see you naked!’”  inappropriate because it was said by an adult to a child and because it was said by a mother to her son. What did that statement mean? The “Ooh” part of the statement expresses some kind of excitement. Suggesting to see you naked does mean seeing your private part, as that is what naked is. What is the nature of the excitement she did express, I don’t know. Could be a curiosity of sorts, but excitement it is. Not a good idea, to say the least, for a mother to express excitement over the idea of seeing her son’s private parts.

2. “my mom and dad made fun of me for walking around in a towel when I was maybe 11”- inappropriate because it is inappropriate to make fun of a person for any reason. Because it is two adults making fun of a child and because the two adults are the child’s parents. And because the topic of the fun, the teasing, is a child’s naked body (underneath the towel).

3. “my dad jokingly said something about taking photos of me when I change”- inappropriate because his statement is about taking lightly the threat in that statement, the threat of violating your privacy. And because the privacy here is again.. your naked body.

To me, your anxiety around these comments I listed is understandable. It doesn’t surprise me that you are still bothered by these. Perhaps talking to your parents, together or separately, about these very comments can help- since you wrote that they are nice and supportive. If they discuss the matter with a serious attitude, respecting your feelings, considering their comments to be inappropriate, understanding the harm it caused you… and then asking your forgiveness and offer amends, maybe there will be a resolution in your mind and heart regarding these.

anita

Dear Nick:

Thank you for your words of appreciation and kindness.

You bring up a good point: it is possible that these incidents bothered you more looking back at them from a later point, with other influences happening since, but not so much at the time they happened. Also, your mother’s input later on, to your sister, and the cultural perspective makes me feel more comfortable with her intentions in making comment #1 and #2, and leads me to think that a talk with her will not be helpful.

I need to be away from the computer for abut 7-8 hours. Will be back to re-read your posts and reply further. If you’d like to add anything before then, anything you think may be relevant, please do.

anita

Dear Nick:

Postponing re-reading and replying to tomorrow morning, about ten hours from now.

anita

Dear Nick:

The first definition of “to tease” I come across online: “To make fun of (someone) playfully”, meaning it is fun for the one doing the teasing.

Often enough, it is not fun for the one being teased. It is, like you wrote: “they did not realize the teasing, at my expense, was not appreciated.” It is having fun at someone else’s expense.

A child, especially a young child, is very sensitive, his brain is still forming, many neuropathways are being created daily. If an adult being teased is able to shrug it off (IF), a child is not able to shrug it off. It sticks (in those pathways being formed).

A person intending to tease in a playful way needs to stop for a moment and think: how is this teasing going to affect the recipient of my teasing? A parent should never make fun of their child, no matter what the culture and intent.

In your examples in the first two posts, your mother, father and sister were paying attention to your naked body: to your belly button, chest, and to what is under the towel (whether they saw it at the moment of attention or not). What was the nature of that attention, I ask myself as I re-examine the examples:

“Ooh, I want to see you naked!” – the attention here involves excitement. I am not suggesting sexual excitement, but excitement nonetheless. The excitement is evident in the “ooh” and in the exclamation mark at the end. Now, the child will learn something from such a teasing (learning, as in forming those pathways). What is the child going to learn? My naked body is exciting my mother is one possibility. This can stick in the brain and if when that sentence was said you didn’t hit puberty yet, the sentence was likely magnified once you did hit puberty.

If your mother stopped to think before impulsively teasing you that way, she wouldn’t have proceeded. Regardless of culture, really, it is inappropriate.

When your sister lifted your shirt and said: “I saw your belly button!” – one more exciting response. And a violation of privacy: she lifted your shirt. This behavior is very common between children, but what is very common is often enough, unfortunately, hurtful or very hurtful as well.

Your father suggesting taking photos of you when you change, besides the violation of privacy, why did he suggest it? Again: what is so exciting and memorable about your naked body that requires a photo shoot?

Clearly you were negatively affected by these teasing incidents and you were distressed at being seen naked by your family, from one point on. You were even teased about the affect of previous teasing: your sister “insisting that I take my shirt off to prove that I don’t get embarrassed”- teasing you for being embarrassed, ashamed.

It is a good thing that at one point your mother noticed your embarrassment and expressed empathy for you, defending you against the teasing by your sister.

You wrote: “I was not abused/assaulted or anything, just teased. Nonetheless, these incidents really bother me, these thoughts are incredibly intrusive and can easily take up all of my mental attention at times… It takes up my mental attention when I really have other more important things to focus on”- clearly, teasing was enough to cause you significant distress. It may be an unintentional, non-physical/sexual assault, but it is an assault nonetheless, evaluated by the affect it had on you.

You wrote: “I want to ask, firstly, is it normal/not unusual for some level of teasing or incidents like this?”- I think it is not unusual or abnormal but a whole lot of what is usual and normal is hurtful to children. This is why people have so many problems and dysfunctions, so very many… because hurting children (intentionally and unintentionally) is so very usual, common and … normal. It being common doesn’t make it easier for the individual being hurt.

You wrote: “I honestly just don’t want to think about this anymore/almost erase it from memory”, and you asked: “how do I let this go completely?  …Would you happen to have any other ideas on how to deal with this, other than directly talking to them about it? I almost feel that would just be better to somehow manage to put this away, instead of bringing it up with them and further driving it into consciousness”-

It is too late, Nick, to worry about “further driving it into consciousness” because it is already there (those neuropathways)- it is already as deep in your consciousness as it can be. Because you feel anger at your family members for teasing you and because it is understandable and valid that you do (they shouldn’t have teased you), maybe asserting yourself with them, telling them your naked body was none of their business to comment on, will give your hurt, shame, anger feelings the voice they need in the process of being released from that tight hold in your consciousness. Maybe there are questions you want to ask them about the teasing…?

The goal is to release those feelings (hurt, shame, anger… maybe you can clarify more what your feelings are), so they stop fueling those intrusive thoughts, and so they stop disturbing your body image. The goal is that you will be okay with your body.

Your thoughts/ feelings?

anita

Dear Nick:

You are welcome and yes, it is a nice late evening. Once again, I would like to write to you in the morning when I am able to be more attentive and clear. Be back here in about nine hours from now.

anita