fbpx
Menu

Relationship Anxiety Cycle

HomeForumsRelationshipsRelationship Anxiety Cycle

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #155672
    Scott
    Participant

    It’s hard to say where to start. Each and every day I go through this cycle of thinking that involves my relationship. I’m 20 years old and in a wonderful relationship with a girl whom I love to death, but being away from her (because of where we live) is putting me through an exhausting and fearful thinking cycle. This cycle seems ridiculous when I get out of it, which I manage to do sometimes, but while caught up in the thoughts, it feels like there is no escape and things are going bad. We get along incredibly well and while together I completely forget about everything else and no anxiety is present. It’s when we get away from each other that the cycle begins. Typically right after seeing each other I’ll be fine until I get my thoughts going again and they make me have so many doubts and insecurities. I can sometimes see my thoughts from an outside perspective as if I’m just observing rather than being the thoughts, but I’m stuck as to what to do now.

    My cycle of thinking looks something like this:

    I start off by checking my phone in the morning to see if she has opened my snapchats and/or responded to me. I always end up checking social media too to see what’s going on, but sometimes I get curious as to what she’s up to. I repeatedly check my phone throughout the day and wonder what she is up to. And during the times that we communicate, I’m always trying to pick up on her emotions. For example, if I feel that she is being “short” or “distant”, I begin to worry and start a cycle of what ifs. I also will sometimes get anxious/upset if I see she has opened a snapchat but doesn’t respond back. Deep down I know everything is okay and this is normal, but my anxious mind makes me feel insecure and tries to convince me I’m not doing everything I need to do for her in order to keep her. I’m always afraid of losing her even when there is no real problem. And we both know we really love each other and want the future together, but my mind starts changing the reality of it all.

    I am able to recognize these thoughts, I need help with what I should do or how I can break this painful cycle.

    #155728
    Cloud
    Participant

    I wish I can give you a answer with the situation you’re in, in fact I know exactly how you feel. I have feelings for my close long distance friend, she knows of my feelings for her we met online a year ago. We haven’t met in person yet I am planning to visit her next year in the fall. we are only just friends, she did tell me “We could have a relationship in the future, who knows what will happen.” I decided it is for the best for us to only remain friends, the distance is the main issue and us not knowing who we are in person. We could be good friends or maybe it”ll become more, we are close and we both truly deeply care for each other.

    She is always on my mind, everyday I wake up and check my phone (text messages, social media) daily. she means so much to me even through we talked on FaceTime a few times and mainly text often she been a wonderful friend to me that help me move on from my past so much that I can never thank her enough.

    I keep myself busy, work, hobbies and try to hang out with friends and family. plan local trips or visit old friends and hopefully make new friend along the way. My obsession  never ends, I still wonder how she is or what she is doing. I try to keep the space so I won’t come off needy yet I still can not help to ask her “How’re you?” or send her funny gifs or cute photos of dogs.

    the reason why you’ve been anxious about your relationship its because you don’t see her everyday, you’re not by her presently and you worry if this relationship will survive due to the distance. The only advice I can give you is to communicate with her about this, I have already talk to my close friend about my situation with my feelings for her. She know I want to move on with my feelings for her because I don’t want to hold on to a fantasy that may never happen. She only sees me as a friend, if she wants more then she has to tell me. As of now I must accept what this is a long distance friendship. As you must accept your relationship is long distance and you both have to fight it to keep it strong until you two decide to live together.

    #155750
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    You wrote: “Inam able to recognize these thoughts, I need help with what I should do or how I can break this painful cycle”-

    insight into the origin of this relationship anxiety will be helpful as well as recognizing and observing your thoughts and feelings, which you are already doing. This relationship anxiety started, most likely, in your first, most powerful relationship, the one with a parent or parents.

    When a child feels unsafe in relationship with a parent, that fear remains as one becomes an adult. It doesn’t go away with age. It needs to be seen and healed, over time and work. The work starts with the recognizing and observing your thoughts and feelings, and then there is more work).

    Would you like to share about the origin of this anxiety?

    anita

    #155768
    Scott
    Participant

    I’m going to try to simplify this as much as I can. Basically, my parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. My dad then remarried a woman who was a lot of fun, but also somewhat controlling and my sister and I felt like we had to please her. We felt threatened by her, so we did what we could to either avoid getting caught/in trouble or do what would make her happy. Our dad wasn’t of much help, he played a lot of video games and in a way, avoided his wife too. I think ultimately she just wanted to have a fun and engaging family she could love, but my dad didn’t necessarily function as a great husband or parent. My sister and I always remember clinging together to sort of “protect” ourselves. We could never go to our dads house without each other, because we felt we needed each other. I also remember fearing something happening to my biological mother, because I could picture how miserable I would be if I had to live with my father and stepmother. I lived in a shadow, always trying to disguise my every action to avoid criticism.

    Let me know what you can get from this as there’s always more I can add.

    #155772
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    I believe you shared about your childhood in a previous thread, correct? Yes, the origin of your relationship anxiety is in your childhood, not surprising to me. Fear is a very powerful emotion and there is no fast and easy way to calm it, resolve it. It is possible to do a lot of resolving over time, with work done.

    You wrote about your stepmother (I am changing the order of your words):

    “We felt threatened by her, so we… (did) what would make her happy. I felt like we had to please her.”

    Fast forward, with your girlfriend, you are: “always trying to pick up on her emotions. For example, if I feel that she is being “short” or “distant”, I begin to worry… my anxious mind makes me feel insecure and tries to convince me I’m not doing everything I need to do for her in order to keep her. I’m always afraid of losing her even when there is no real problem.”

    The real problem still, is that you were afraid to lose the approval of your stepmother, so you are looking for signs that you are losing it for the purpose of doing something to gain it back. You try to pick on her emotions (is she disapproving of me now? Do I need to do something now?), you check her social media (she didn’t respond to me immediately, is it that she is disapproving of me now? Do I need to do something now?) and so on. It is the same dynamic.

    Reads like your father was passive, busy with the computer while his wife was the dominant party in that household, therefore she was the strong influence on you there.

    We don’t grow out of the past as we age because, unlike shedding our skin throughout life, we do not shed our brain cells. The connections made in our brains during childhood are still the same.

    To change those connections, to “update” our brain so to evaluate current situations based on the present, and so, update our thinking, feeling and behavior accordingly, does take time and work. Of the three: thinking, feeling and behaving, it is behavior most accessible to changing. Not checking on her via social media would be changing a behavior which can help in changing, over time, the thinking and feeling.

    But it is very hard to  do. Quality psychotherapy may be necessary, if you are stuck and do not know how to proceed. There you can process the childhood experiences with your stepmother. Once you get in touch more with how you felt then, once you get that emotional experience, you will still have work to do. It will take paying more attention (more mindfulness), more honest communication, skills and tools to manage anxiety. It is a process.

    anita

    #155776
    Scott
    Participant

    In terms of behavior, what can I change that will lead to different thinking and therefore feelings? I realize my habit of checking my phone and social media is detrimental to my success in beating this relationship fear/anxiety.

    The thing about this anxiety/fear/OCD is that it is bad enough to make me feel crazy sometimes, but it never can actually push me over the edge. I don’t know if this is due to the fact that I’m on antidepressants and it numbs some of that emotional pain or it just keeps my brain chemically balanced. It’s like the fear is enough to keep me engaged in this behavior, but it won’t actually influence me to make some crazy decision or act out too irrationally. I think I’m just really fearful of losing my girlfriend or pushing her away, because I value this relationship so much. It just sucks to be in this position because it makes it so hard to determine what’s a real problem and what is not. It’s difficult to feel for someone else while trying to take care of yourself.

    I need to break this cycle. Counseling I have done in the past, but right now would be difficult with my busy summer and because of money and I’d really rather figure this out on my own. The cycle is almost addicting, however. It’s like I hate it when I’m in it, but I keep putting up with it, maybe similar to what I would do with my stepmother. I would adjust my behavior to please her, but it didn’t keep me from moving forward. I’m super smart, outgoing, mostly positive, but I’ve got to find a way out of this cycle because it clouds my thinking, takes clarity away from my life, and makes it harder to enjoy the present moment.

    #155786
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    It is a good thing that you don’t react to your fear of losing your girlfriend by making”some crazy decision or act(ing) out too irrationally”- good thing, as people do impulsively react to fear in very harmful ways, sometimes deadly. Checking social media is not so bad in comparison, but yet it clouds your thinking, taking clarity away, and you need clarity.

    A way out of this cycle, on your own (without psychotherapy)… you mentioned OCD. Are you engaged in OCD compulsions in your daily life,  and do you think that repeatedly checking your phone/ social media for activity from her is an OCD compulsion?

    anita

    #155802
    Scott
    Participant

    I have noticed that I tend to check my phone a lot and look for subtle hints which then lead to increased anxiety and insecurity. I also will sometimes put my partner on a pedestal but at other times I focus on her past and negative attributes. It’s never a balance. I have done a little research and feel that I’m suffering from an “anxious-preoccupied attachment” style.

    #155808
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    You asked: “In terms of behavior, what can I change that will lead to different thinking and therefore feelings?” My answer: limit checking your phone to once an hour, or once every two hours (you decide on how often) and then stick to your decision. No matter how strong the drive to check, tolerate the intensity of the drive to check and resist it. The more success you have resisting it, the weaker the drive will be, over time and the weaker the anxiety will be.

    Feeling anxious and then checking for activity is reinforcing the activity and keeps the anxiety going. By changing the behavior, you change the feeling, over time (takes persistence and being okay with progress being made imperfectly).

    Regarding putting her on a pedestal some times and focusing on her negative attributes at other times, the way I understand it is that the aim of putting her on a pedestal is to feel safe in the relationship, as in pretending the person you are emotionally attached to is a great, strong, reliable person to be attached to. When you focus on her negative attributes, the aim is to prepare yourself for “the fall”- for when you will be disappointed. It is a dance of anxiety: trying to feel safe by either holding on to a perfect image of the other or preparing for danger.

    Healing/ managing anxiety is the key in your relationship and life in general. It is a doable project, although not easy. But doable. And you are already managing. There is just.. more work to be done, more tools to be used, more skills to practice, patiently.

    anita

     

    #155826
    Fortunate1
    Participant

    Hi – I have just read this tread and altho the poster is a 20 year old male, I totally am going thru the same thing and I am a 55 year old woman.  We are not “long distance” per se, but used to work together and now see each other maybe once or twice a week.  He is going through a divorce and moved into his own place 2 months ago.  Also left this job and has a new one (one month ago) so yes, he has a lot going on — not to mention two teenage daughters who are not easy and at times really struggle with the marital breakup.

    I have started seeing a therapist and was sent an article from this site that talked about attachment theories … I saw myself very clearly.  The problem for me – Scott and Anita – is not understanding where my anxiety comes from because I do.  I need to learn how to embrace my imperfections, get vulnerable and be able to calm myself when anxiety hits.  The article offered no “solutions” but to cry it all out and hope to manage it …

    Ugh – it’s awful to feel this anxiety — for reasons real or imagined —

     

    #155852
    Scott
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m going to work on limiting my time on social media as well as eliminate the persistency in which I check my phone. I think I will try disabling notifications on my lock screen so that I don’t always feel obligated to pull my phone out of my pocket and check for a message or snapchat. The reason I sometimes feel so obligated to check is because I feel like I could get in “trouble” or “upset” my girlfriend by not responding quickly enough if the message is important or something. I will just have to work on avoiding pleasing her in that way and will have to communicate my reasoning.

    I definitely can now understand what you mean by the dance of anxiety. It changes course at each end of the spectrum and the momentum never stops. I will be positive and then negative for as long as the day goes on. I want to so badly find a stable ground, where there is balance and less judgement and more understanding. I don’t want to look at my girlfriend as “perfect” or as a “salvation” but I also don’t want intrusive thoughts about her sexual past or things she has said/done that I interpreted as negative in the past.

    There is nothing I want more than to find peace and clarity and a sense of calm. I need to be able to focus on my schoolwork because there is a long road ahead.

    #155854
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Buy this book and read it!  It will change your life and your relationships!

    #155908
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    You wrote: “There is nothing I want more than to find peace and clarity and a sense of calm” and I do wish you this. It is an achievable goal but a long term project. The practice of Mindfulness is necessary in achieving this goal, I strongly believe. On an ongoing basis, notice your anxious thinking, the intrusive thoughts and re-direct your thinking, don’t ruminate. Of course, you will fail, again and again, the intrusive thoughts being back, and you will find yourself lost in negative thinking about her or worrying otherwise. When you find yourself lost there, bring yourself back again and again.

    I call the patience required in this process of bringing yourself back again and again, “excruciating patience”- because so much of it is required over such a long period of time as progress is so very slow and often one feels like it is undoable and give up. But don’t give up, persist.

    Create a peaceful place in your brain, a certain sanctuary in your brain where there is that”peace and clarity and a sense of calm” that you need and want so badly. Whenever you find yourself in the places in your brain where there is distress, go back to the other place, the calm place and spend time there.

    anita

    * I want to acknowledge the valuable input by the responding members Cloud (we are communicating on your thread), Ramone Joseph, and Fortunate1 (I would like it if you started your own thread where I can communicate with you. If you would like to do so, please do: click Forums, choose a Category, click your chosen category, scroll down the page).

     

    #155954
    Scott
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m beginning to realize that my anxiety isn’t exactly all my fault. It is the result of my overthinking from the confusion I’m getting from my girlfriend. She seems to be in a “mood” a lot of the time where she claims to be annoyed. I feel like she is very childish and immature and uses this “annoyed” state to take advantage of my kind heart. I have been lenient and have reached out to her to help and alleviate her problems but I feel like it’s being used against me. I feel like a parent figure to her in a sense. I can definitely feel a back and forth push/push between us and our needs. Whenever I try to talk to her in a serious way, she says it won’t help and doesn’t really believe her actions or moods are a big deal. But if something is becoming constant and taking over, it is most definitely a big deal. Relationships need communication and understanding. When we’re together, everything is fine and she is very loving, almost in a “baby” way. But apart, she becomes distant and “annoyed” as she calls it.

    #155956
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    I am too tired to focus now, so I will be back to your thread in the morning, about ten hours from now. Before I am back, if you want to elaborate on your last post: Do you know what causes or precedes her annoyance/ what are the situations that she is responding to with annoyance? What are her thoughts when annoyed?

    Also, how is it expressed in the relationship, you being a “parent figure” and she being a “baby”?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.