these are the same thoughts you had as a child, based on the wrong belief that you were the cause of your mother’s withdrawal/ punishment. These thoughts are entwined with the fear, shame, guilt and sadness you mentioned.

Well, exactly, it is the same feeling. By feeling it now and considering these past moments as a child I understand that I had felt them before too. I was a child so I could not logically understand that my mother withdrawal was not actually caused by my mistakes and that she shouldn’t have behaved to me like this. She was always expecting a lot from me and behave more like a grown up rather than a child. And any childish behavior was criticized and she was showing her disappointment on me.   So, now, during this phase that I feel the same things, I try to heal the past wounds too.

It only feels at times that the blaming, complaining, dishonestly manipulative noise is safe for you. It only FEELS this way, at times. But look at all the misery it has caused you. Surely, this is a better way for you

Yeap, it felt like this more at the beginning, but less and less as time goes by. So, once these guilties and self-blaming arise, I remember that misery and all his accusations, his anger on me and all his manipulative manners for understanding that being away from this drama is the healthy thing to do for keeping my inner peace.

Thanks again Anita 🙂