Hello,

In my last post, I was wondering about anxiety in relationships and how my boyfriend can say so many hurtful things to me. I was so thankful for the answers I received, and I had decided to see things from a different perspective and give it another try with my boyfriend. But, I couldn’t seem to shake the empty feeling I had towards him after that fight, after he told me I bring out the worst in him. Something inside of my shut down and stopped working. I became quiet, depressed and so sad. On Sunday, we met for church and decided to go get lunch afterwards. I left my car at church and rode with him. I was quiet; I tried pushing through it, but I couldn’t. Days leading up to that, I had told him via text that I was feeling depressed, so he knew. When we parked the car to have lunch, I broke down crying and I told him that I was depressed and feeling empty and that I needed him. I told him I wanted to try to have a fun day with him, to remember what it was like to have fun. Instead, he turned the car around and took me back to my car. I started crying and begged him to stop because I wanted to spend the day with him, that I needed him so much. He said he refused to have lunch with someone who wasn’t going to talk, but just be silent. That hurt. When we got to my car, I started getting out of his car. He got mad and I said “You brought me here, what else did that mean? You said you didn’t want to be around me…even though I need you. I am depressed, numb and I want to die. I just needed you to support me through this, to give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be OK.” I was bawling my eyes out telling him I wanted to die. He started to lecture me about how he couldn’t be there for me because I make it too hard for him. I said “please, I’m begging you. Just stop all of the ‘I want to be right’ thing right now. I have never felt so low and so sad before, and I have never needed more than I do right now. Please help me.” He still kept yelling and lecturing me. I begged for a hug. He refused and said I needed to be the one to make more of an effort, and he said “if you want one, you have to give me one.” How awful. He kept on and on, making me feel worse about myself. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breathe. I told my boyfriend I wanted to die, and that is what I got. Finally, he slammed my car door shut, got in his car and he drove away so fast that his tires squealed. He left me. I felt like a piece of garbage he left on the side of the road. He was so mean, the things he was saying, the way he was acting. If you can’t even give your girlfriend a hug when she tells you she wants to die so badly…then, I don’t know what to do.

I get that he’s upset, but that was inexcusable (IMO). We’ve had so many fights lately, and I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but this one–I don’t know that I could ever forgive this. I had to sit in my car for 30 minutes before I felt like I could drive. Then, he texted me after he left, still lecturing me. I almost hit a truck and went in the ditch driving home, because I was crying so hard. He keeps texting, calling, emailing trying to explain why he did that. There is no explanation that will make that OK with me. Everything is always my fault. He yells at me, it’s my fault. He screams in my face, it’s my fault. He turns his back on me when I need him, it’s my fault. I don’t know what else to do but break up with him. But, I feel so sad. After everything he’s done, I still don’t want to hurt him or break his heart. I don’t want him to cry and be sad, but I know he will be…and so will I. I already am. I cry all the time…just thinking of being without him. The thought of never calling him, texting him, seeing him anymore. It kills me. A year and a half of being together, and then all of the sudden, just gone. Like he’s dead. It breaks my heart and makes me so sad, and I feel sick.

He was my first love (even though I’m in my 30s), the love of my life. How do you break up with that? I don’t want to, but I think I have to…and I’m shattered.