Home→Forums→Relationships→Did he ever love me? After 2 years he breaks up with me so harshly!
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August 20, 2017 at 2:56 pm #164838
NinaParticipantHi everyone
It’s the first time I am writing here and I hope I can find help and support. I was in a LDR for 2 years for different circumstances we only saw each other 2 times we planned to see each other in few weeks. We always agreed that we would see each other and that he would have to come and see me (we live very far away for each other) and since last time I was the one who went to see him now it’s only fair that he comes to see me. But now he changed his mind and said it’s better if I come etc… The problem is my family is a bit conservative and I do live my life as I want but I don’t want them to know we sleep together and he didn’t get that so he broke up with me so fast I couldn’t talk, he told me there is a culture difference, the conversation we had didn’t settle well with him…. How can he break up like that when 30 min earlier he said he loved me and we spoke about marriage is it that easy to leave someone you love? Aren’t you suppose to support them? Accept them with their shortcomings? It has no impact on us the fact that my parents don’t know things about my personal life, I can’t stop talking to my parents because of him! I am lost I think it was just an excuse because he knows me and he knows I don’t think like my parents but I don’t want to hurt them I can live my life without hurting them! I only asked that this time we see each other in the same region where I live so I can be free is that so bad?
August 20, 2017 at 4:34 pm #164856
ElianaParticipantHi Nina,
I too, have been in long distance relationships. One man from India, Another from Pakistan, and the other from Iraq. The one from Iraq, I was head over heels with, but it turned out he was Catphishing me, so he could get to United States. My own fault, for getting too intense so quickly with him so soon. I invested everything in him, time, attention, romance. He invested nothing.
The guy from Pakistan..well things were great at first, I came to care about him a great deal. We spent hours video chatting. Said as soon as he got out of software engineering, he would come to States. Then he did a complete 360 and wanted me to send pictures of parts of my body and pictures of parts of his body. I immediately put an end to that. But I was deeply hurt and humiliated. Most men from other cultures think and are raised with different values, views and perspectives than people in our country. It usually, unfortunately does not work out. I don’t think it had anything to do with you, but like he said, a difference of cultures. I too have had men from long distance “ghost me” or I will see them flirt with other women online. It’s all a game to them because of distance and rarely seeing each other. I think it’s best to meet someone locally. A happy, stable, loving and emotionally available man.
August 21, 2017 at 6:10 am #164918
AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
Did I understand correctly: you saw this man in person only twice during the two years in which you communicated with him online. On those two occasions you traveled a long distance to see him. And during those two times you were physically intimate with him. Planning on seeing each other for the third time, he refused to travel so to see you. He wanted you to travel to see him, again.
You don’t want to travel yet again to see him because you are worried your parents will figure that you will be having physically intimate time with a man to whom you are not married, correct?
If so, how is it that they did not figure it out the first two times you traveled to see him?
anita
August 21, 2017 at 6:41 am #164926
InkyParticipantHi Nina,
Long distance relationships are too hard. Scrap this guy and find someone close to home. I speak from experience!
And marriage? Guys today don’t seem to be cut out for marriage. To them it’s a mental figment. They like the idea of marriage but freak out when things get real. You just had to mention him travelling to see you and conservative parent for him to bolt.
Best,
Inky
August 21, 2017 at 6:55 am #164928NinaParticipantDear Anita
The first time he came to see me the second time I went and now the third time it’s his turn to come (from my point of view). It’s a bit complicated and long to explain but no they haven’t figure out that I was intimate with him.
August 21, 2017 at 6:57 am #164932NinaParticipantHi Inky
Thank you for your reply but I have seen LDR that did work and I know a lot of married couples why can it not happen to me?
August 21, 2017 at 7:32 am #164938ElianaParticipantHi Nina,
Yes, LDR, has worked for a few. I had a friend get married, but it was extremely draining on her. But both of them had the rescources, time, money, and commitment to see each other several times a month, and they videochatted several hours a day. It was alot of hard work. In your post, in the course of two years, you have only seen this man twice, and it only seems to be of an intimate nature and being “hidden” from your parents. This makes any relationship whether long distance or local unable to thrive or survive.
In your thread you state he “treats you harshly”. My question is, why would you want to be with a man who does not respect you, does not put any effort to come and see you, you have seen him Only twice in two years, where you have to “hide” this from your parents? Surely you deserve better? Just some thoughts..
August 21, 2017 at 7:50 am #164950AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
You asked: “How can he break up like that when 30 min earlier he said he loved me and we spoke about marriage is it that easy to leave someone you love?”
For some people it is easy. The meaning of love is dependent on the nature of the person doing the loving. If the loving person is honest, consistent, dependent, empathetic, responsible, then their love is quality, something to count on. If the loving person is dishonest, or sometimes dishonest, inconsistent, impulsive, un-empathetic, then their love is not of quality, not something you can count on.
The fact that he told you that he loved you, talking about marrying you and thirty minutes later, thirty minutes only, broke up with you leads me to think that he is not dependable, inconsistent, maybe impulsive and unreliable. Did you observe such a nature about him before?
anita
August 21, 2017 at 1:16 pm #164996NinaParticipantDear Anita
Thank you very much for your reply it’s spot on, we didn’t talk about marriage in that same conversation but few weeks before yes. I mean I was clear and I said I can’t go on like this we need to decide where this is going etc… and he agreed that we should get married and he was even plaaning a suprise proposal (it was supposed to be a surprise but I found out), and during our call he said he loved me and then I asked him where is this going he said somewhere very serious and then we got cut off and he called back maybe 15 min later, brakes up with me in few minutes I couldn’t talk and he hangs up on me and that’s it.
He was very inconsistent with me many times, we agreed on this trip months ago he said he will free himself he will do whatever it takes and then last minute he can’t and I have to go. He did that last time and I accepted to go because he came to see me and I thought I should go but his excuse was the tickets are too expensive… and he insisted, he wanted me to come so badly I had to come earlier but when I was there he was sooo cold couldn’t hold his hand at first couldn’t kiss him, we didn’t go out that much, he bailed on me and disappeared for two days then he tried and fix his behavior but still I was so bored. He would either sleep or stay home watch Netflix maybe go out time to time and that’s it! When he came the first time in my hometown I took him out every night, went to fun places and even paid sometimes. When I came back I wanted to end it but he promised he won’t do it again and he has issues from previous relationships and the way he treated me during that trip was his biggest regret. So yes he was very inconsistent with his behavior.
The weird part is I know I don’t deserve this and I deserve someone who will love me consistently and be there, but I still love him and a part of me still wishes he comes back and changes but I know it’s not possible. Why am I feeling this?August 21, 2017 at 2:09 pm #165000NinaParticipantHi Aliana
My parents knew we dated and I met his parents but my parents are against sex before marriage. So this relationship wasn’t hidden and they knew I traveled to see him and that he came to see me.
You’re right I need to be with someone that respects me and wants to see me!
August 22, 2017 at 8:30 am #165112AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
So he was, over time, inconsistent and not a very loving boyfriend. You wrote: “I know I don’t deserve this and I deserve someone who will love me consistently and be there, but I still love him and a part of me still wishes he comes back and changes but I know it’s not possible. Why am I feeling this?”-
A possible answer: because you need to love and be loved. And in your life during those two years, and before, there was no better opportunity to love-and-be-loved; instead there is emptiness, such as in your relationship with your parents, a lack, a great emotional distance. So with your LDR boyfriend, there was something and that was better than nothing.
Could it be something like that?
anita
August 23, 2017 at 4:12 pm #165356NinaParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your reply, well I am very close to my parents, too close I would say sometimes, but to be honest, I am looking for love I want to get married and have kids or just spend my life with someone I love. With him I really loved him I accepted all his shortcomings, his dark side, everything! I am shocked that he broke up with me because I thought he was the one! Till now I still have a deep caring affection for him. I am not especially romantic or like (or know how) to express my emotions but I like to receive that affection you get from someone you love or feel that feeling, for example, get a cute message or knowing there is someone I can care for and I can think of and receive that care in return. However in my previous relationships when things were broken, when I knew they were behaving badly I would put an end, even if I am still in love in my mind it’s clear and I can move on; but with him it’s different he treated me like crap I know it, he broke up with me over something so small and I know I can’t rely on him but I still want to be with him and I don’t know why.
August 24, 2017 at 10:17 am #165456AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
It is interesting indeed that you believe that your ex boyfriend is unreliable, that you “can’t rely on him,” and still, you want to be with him. I too would be wondering why.
You wrote: “I am very close to my parents, too close”- can you elaborate on what “too close” means? Too much of anything is something negative, isn’t it? What is uncomfortable or distressing about being too close to your parents.
anita
August 24, 2017 at 2:15 pm #165514NinaParticipantDear anita
Thank you for your reply! Well because I am an idiot that thinks that people can change, I accept them as they are and that I rather suffer with him than to not be with him. We had our lovely moment and I always remember that. Or maybe it was such a brutal break up that I still need to forget him, let go and wait until these feelings go away, unfortunately, love is not rational. To be honest I am happy to get rid of that burden I am not good at relations I think.
Well, my parents can be too controlling and over protective so I have to push them back many times but I love them they are amazing kind parents.
August 25, 2017 at 10:58 am #165628AnonymousGuestDear Nina:
You are welcome. I asked you why you want to be with a man you have experienced as unreliable. Your answer, in part is that “unfortunately, love is not rational”- well, it doesn’t have to be irrational. We can insert rational, realistic thinking into our relationships. If we do it consistently, reliably, feelings will fit that reality, over time. Regarding being “not good at relations”- it is something you can get better at, learning from experience, through trial and error, new skills, and so on.
anita
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