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Loving Again?

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  • This topic has 17 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Lea.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #174927
    Lea
    Participant

    Hello everyone out there, I have been using this site for so long and it’s had such a beautiful impact on my life.   I wanted to share my story. My story begins almost two years ago when my long term boyfriend left me for another woman. It was a painful process to go through as he was my first boyfriend. I was the last one to know and this person had been hidden for God knows how long. He didn’t even have the courage to tell me, I found out on my own. As with other situations I’ve read about, he treated me very badly when I found out, placed blame on me, and even sent me a photo of her. I realize now that he was just in pain, or maybe I’m wrong…maybe he just wanted to cause me pain.

    Previous to that circumstance I had faced a lot of adversity including homelessness. He never even realized that I had been depressed the whole time and our communication suffered tremendously. I had been naive and hopeful in those days and trusted him with everything I have. When that was broken it felt like I had lost my identity and my purpose. It made me really reflect upon my inner issues which was scary in itself. I lost weight, talked to different people, yet I still had a hard time crying and expressing my emotions of anger and resentment. After a horrible short term friendship/relationship after the breakup I forced myself away from everything. I read as many self help books as I could, while my body physically reacted to the strains of break up. My chest would tighten every single day and my anxiety worsened.

    Today I still struggle, but it’s better, I focused on helping others and eased my pain. I am struggling with the past and still wonder where he is, if he’s married, has a baby ect. I try not to beat myself up about the healing process and I’ve made great strides. I know that a huge capacity to love someone again and I’m ready for it, but at the same time I feel the past has me in chains. I wondered how I could ever trust again? I want to love someone and truly give the next guy in my life my all.  I now realize my capacity to love, but I’m to scared to love again.  Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you and sorry for the length!

    Lea

    #174963
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lea,

    Love will find you when it finds you. You will one day fall in love again whether you are scared of it or not. Ready or not, love will happen. In the meantime, enjoy life as a single person. Paradoxically, the more you become happy on your own, the more likely love is to find you!

    As for the ex, he sounds like the type to eventually have many girlfriends and even a marriage or two. But don’t sweat it. He is on a misguided journey.

    Best,

    Inky

    #175051
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I  don’t understand this sentence and hope you can explain it to me: “I try not to beat myself up about the healing process”?

    anita

    #175053
    Lea
    Participant

    Thank you for wonderful post Inky :-), it’s been a long road, I’ve been struggling also with loneliness and sometimes anger after these two years. I know that working on myself and loving myself is key to finding someone great. I settled in past relationships and I won’t do that  again.

    Anita thank you so much for reading my story. Yes, when I said that I realized it’s been two years and I’m still working through this, so I’m trying not to beat myself out for the fact that it’s taking a long healing period. It seems that some people are able to just jump in relationships months after. Here I am still trying to figure out things.

    #175059
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    The fact that “some people are able to just jump in relationships months after” does not mean they are jumping in as a result of having healed, or even taking any steps healing. As a matter of fact, jumping indicates impulsivity, not awareness, not thoughtfulness.

    Healing is about making thoughtful choices.

    Healing does take a long time. I don’t believe I will personally ever be healed. Healing is not about catching up to the healthy people. I used to think so. But what I found out while in this long process of healing, is that … there are no healthy people for me to catch up to, not that I know.

    I also found out, that in my healing, I am learning more and more and there is no ending to learning. There is not going to be a time when I learned it all.

    anita

    #175121
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Lea,

    Your story sounds like mine, you’re not alone. Without going into too much detail, let me share you my story & how I have found love again..
    So my ex relationship was similar to yours described, he was messaging his ex & I put the blame on myself. He played games,  he had narcissistic traits, & just generally turned everything onto me, we lived together & at the time I thought he was “the one”.  Looking back he couldn’t have been any further than “the one”.
    I had previous bad relationships before him & he always promised me a better life.

    Anyway, when we split up it was horrendous.. I decided to be single for as long as it took to heal & it took just over a year. In this year I read countless books (I’ll name them below), articles, videos on YouTube & had some counselling, I went to Africa on a Humanitarian trip & even enrolled myself onto a course to become a Counsellor! A lot happened that year, but mainly growth & realisations. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s all about you & who you attract & how you deal with things. I found that although yes my ex boyfriend wasn’t the nicest man in the end, I allowed myself to accept his bad behaviours & his red flags in the beginning of our relationship, which inevitably set me up to fail. I’m not saying him leaving you for someone else is your fault, but going forward, when we can be the best version of ourselves, looking after ourselves as much mentally as we do physically, we’ll attract someone who respects us as much as we respect ourself.

    When I met my current partner I was anxious & I communicated this to him, but I didn’t come across as a victim, I explained that this is why I may be a little reserved etc & we took things extremely slow. He had to work for me, he didn’t just receive me like all my ex boyfriends did, & boy did he work for me, bless him. He knew I saw my worth, therefore he also saw my worth. & as soon as something happened that I didn’t like, I’d express that to him & we’d sort it out together & move forward, he then knew I wasn’t messing around wasting my time & that I could openly & honestly communicate, or leave at any time.
    It is scary, but what you’ve got to remember is that a new person isn’t an old person, & thinking & saying things to yourself like “I’m going to get hurt again because..” is self limiting language. You are in charge of your life, & if you’re scared of getting hurt again all you can do is recognise these behaviours etc & act on them. I dated my current partner for around 4 months before becoming “official”. We spent the weekend away together, I asked him lots of questions, ones you’d probably feel awkward asking. See it as being an interviewer interviewing an employee to work for you, you want to make sure they’re the right person for the job, same as a boyfriend (ok don’t sit & ask him 100 questions word for word on paper) but you need to make sure he is a right match for you. Make sure you can communicate, not just about easy stuff, but hard stuff too. Make sure that all values and needs are being met. Mine for example are: communication, honestly, loyalty, love – if my partner didn’t match those I wouldn’t have became his girlfriend. Would  you buy something in the shop you don’t actually like?

    What do you think?

    #175123
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Sorry, forgot to add those books:

    Barbara de Angelis – Are you the one for me?
    Barbara de Angelis – Secrets about men every woman should know
    Barbara de Angelis – How did I get here?
    M Scott Peck – The road less travelled
    Harriet Lerner – The dance of anger

    #175219
    Lea
    Participant

    That was incredibly insightful Anita, I thought about it and asked the questions, what am I really trying to catch up to? In reality there’s nothing to catch up to, I am taking a path that is my own, and I want to do it the right way and continue to heal and grow throughout my life as we all are.  That gave me a lot of good perspective on points that I had put myself down on.

    Wow Poppyxo, are stories are very similar, thank you so much for sharing yours with me. I can relate on so many levels. It’s amazing how much I ignored his bad traits, because I believed in us so much. I thought he was the one too, because he was the only  “one” I had encountered who made me feel safe and loved. I think that’s why his actions at the end were so surprising, he had always believed in us or so I thought.  My heart does yearn to love someone, but I have plenty of precautions. I am trying to accept the fact that there’s a possibility of get hurt again, but if the next time happens hopefully I will be a stronger individual.

    Interview yes haha, I won’t settle again. I forced myself to look past any issues because he was there for me. This post has given me hope that I can perhaps find someone with all the qualities I look for in a partner and who will accept my questions and anxiety with open arms.  Nope I wouldn’t buy something I didn’t like, it’s amazing how we yearn  for someone that was bad for us, but the door to healing is always open and I choose to take that leap. Thank you so much for these book recommendations! I’m an avid reader how did you haha, so excited for your relationship, enjoy every moment.

     

    #175237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    Indeed, there is nothing and no one to catch up to, and it is your own path. I hope to read more from you.

    anita

    #175737
    Lea
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita, I’ve had a few days of struggle, but I think it’s due to fear. I’m about to make some life changes and as with any change it’s  hard.

    #175759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lea:

    You are welcome.

    Fear is tough, when it is ongoing. It is indeed a struggle. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #175959
    Emily K
    Participant

    Dear Lea,

    Although I haven’t been through the same ordeals as you, your story resonates with me. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, I’m an open book and I am very loving. When I am falling for someone or even in the early stages I truly give it my all. I have been told I am too nice, etc. but I still refused to change my ways.

    This has caused me a lot of pain. I have been broken up with many times, hurt, left by someone I care about with no explanation, but I believe we all go through these things. I think each of these experiences served their purpose, every one of these ‘loves’ although at the time it may be hard to see what the purpose was.

    There came a time where I felt jaded and didn’t want to open up or trust again. However, I realized that I shouldn’t let these bad experiences or people who hurt me turn me into a cold and hard person. I love the person who I am who is loving, open, and goes all-in. And I know the person who is right for me will love that about me instead of wishing I was any different or take advantage.

    The person I am with now does love that about me – and slowly I am learning to trust him and to not project residual pain and damage from previous lovers onto him because he isn’t them. It takes some opening up and getting used to, and pain and broken hearts are never inevitable, but I am a STRONG believer in “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

    Hope this helps.

    #175977
    Lea
    Participant

    Thank you so much for reading my story Emily K.  All my life I have been called the nice girl, I can definitely relate to you. I put 100 percent into everything and it’s caused me so pain. I also have this need to save and please people. I realize how damaging this is to my anxiety issue, to always yearn to be liked and accepted.  It is wonderful that you’ve found someone and it’s moving at a pace in which you feel comfortable able to grow in that love. I think I’ve been in the jaded phase for far too long, thank you for opening my eyes to that. I really needed this post today and I can’t thank you enough. I can’t let the world harden me, I have to stay true to myself and love openly, hopefully one day soon I’ll be able to crumble those walls.

    #175985
    VJ
    Participant

    Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

    Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

    #176077
    Lea
    Participant

    Great read! Thank you for the link VJ!

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