Home→Forums→Tough Times→Feeling Suicidal
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January 5, 2018 at 10:03 am #185221
AlexParticipantHello everyone, my name is Alex and this is my first time ever reaching out on any site like this. I feel suicidal and obviously I want to try fix it. My back story is I am 20 years old from the UK. Growing up there was always arguments between my parents but when I was 10 it got a lot worse. My parents divorced and my mother went on a drugs rampage. Taking drugs and doing what she wanted. She just left, I never got to know the full story. She met her now husband at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I was actually there when they met. I remember being terrified surrounded by all these addicts, later they moved in together and in the start they just got drunk with me watching. My Stepdad got worse he started taking coke and crack and got really aggressive. He hit my mother when I was there once and broke her nose and she took me and locked me in a room with her. He was shouting and threatening he eventually broke the door. Unfortunately my memory goes blank after this. But I experienced a couple of things like this before 14. I did live with my dad but mostly didn’t see him. My mum moved to Norfolk when I was 15 I hadn’t seen her for 2 years she moved to South Africa. I spent more time at her and her husbands house. I witnessed him try to hang himself that year. I actually saved his life. He used to tell me to get beer or he would kill me. He was so drunk and psychotic his speech was slurred. I often walked the streets at night because it was safer then home. I eventually got the courage to move to my Dads permenantly but my stepmother didn’t like me so I got kicked out and had to return to my abusers. I had no choice. I also lost my best friend to cancer around this time at the age of just 17. He was like a brother to me. I was just trying to escape all this constant drama. So got into an abusive relationship with a girl who lied and cheated. But she knew I was too depressed to do anything. We broke off 6 months ago and I just feel so lost right now.
January 5, 2018 at 10:56 am #185229
AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
You told a very sad story, your own story, summarized, condensed.
Where are you currently living (any contact with the abusive individuals?) and are you a student, employed, unemployed?
Is psychotherapy/ counseling available for you?
Please note: this is not a therapy forum, there are no psychotherapy or counseling available here. All are members like you. I am not qualified to interact with individuals thinking about the extreme measure you have been thinking about. Please contact a hotline or any emergency clinic, or hospital, for your ideation or thinking indicated in the title of your thread.
I will be back to the computer in about seventeen hours, will read any further posts you may add by then and reply then. I hope that you will feel better soon, and that you receive kind (as unprofessional they will be!) replies from other members.
anita
January 5, 2018 at 11:24 am #185239AlexParticipantThank you for replying Anita, I am looking at therapy but it isn’t easy to have the strength to talk about these things so posting on here has now given me more confidence to see preofessionals. I have limited contact with my mother as i will get a lot of abuse for cutting contact. I try turn the negative feelings I feel into positivity. I understand sadness is intertwined with happiness so I try to look at the positives. I am blessed to have looked death in the eyes and won. Thank you for reaching out ❤️
January 5, 2018 at 11:36 am #185251AnonymousInactiveDear Alex,
I’m so sorry to hear you have suffered so much abuse and heartache. Please do not act on your thoughts of suicide. You are unique, beautiful and valuable to all. It may not feel that way because of pain you have endured thus far, but it is none-the-less true. Please seek counseling from a qualified therapist who’s specialized in complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). A forum is simply not adequate for assisting with such in-depth issues. It’s far better to see and hear and feel the warmth and care from a nonjudgmental, qualified therapist. And please do interview a few therapist to determine their qualifications and to find one you feel most comfortable. In the mean time, find a safe place to stay away from any unhealthy circumstances. Contact free suicide hotlines that are staffed with knowledgeable people that will understand your struggles and be able to immediately help you in your local area. Know that you are loved and that you are worth everything. Never give up!
January 5, 2018 at 12:50 pm #185263
BrandyParticipantDear Alex,
I’m so glad you reached out and posted your story on this forum. I read your post three times. I am another member here who is not qualified to council anyone. I can only communicate my instincts, personal experiences, and things that I have learned from others to you. I am a mom of three, one who is a young man your same age.
I believe that all the feelings you are having are very normal for someone who has experienced the stressful events that you have. I have learned through my studies that witnessing a traumatic event can damage a child or teenager more severely than a physical wound can, and the reason for this is because his or her development isn’t yet complete. My understanding is that it is common for young people who have been through tough experiences to be confused, have difficulty concentrating, feel guilt, shame, self-blame, sad, hopeless, or that something bad is going to happen. The good news, Alex, is that there are many professionals out there who are trained to help young people like you go on to live very happy lives. They are called “trauma experts” and they have studied different approaches to help people like you heal.
I believe that not all therapists are the same, so it might take some time to find the right one. It’s important that the therapist you select has a lot of experience treating patients who have experienced trauma. I know you stated that it isn’t easy for you to have the strength to talk about this stuff; that’s another very normal feeling to have. If you go see a therapist and you don’t feel comfortable opening up to that person, find a different therapist. The right therapist will make you feel safe, respected, and understood. Try to be patient while finding the right one.
You have left a huge impression on me, Alex. You are an intelligent, sincere, sensible young man. Better times are ahead for you. Stay away from drugs and alcohol to escape these difficult feelings. Keep posting here instead.
Brandy
January 5, 2018 at 2:43 pm #185267AlexParticipantThanks to everyone who has replied, I understand a bit better now. I will see a trauma therapist like suggested, it’s not all bad though I have life experience well beyond my years. Which I try turn into positivity, making a documentary on mental illness as we speak. I feel the same way you people do. I try put a more positive spin on my past. I know the journey will not be easy and that I will have weak moments but I know there isn’t any circumstance I can’t conquer. Much love to everyone ❤️
January 5, 2018 at 3:16 pm #185275
ElianaParticipantHi Alex,
I too, am very worried and concerned about you and your well being. You are welcome to post any time If that helps, but I do hope in the meantime, you will contact crisis hotline, they are all trained volunteers who want to help and your call will be anonymous. Please post back to let us know how you are doing.
January 5, 2018 at 4:09 pm #185281AlexParticipantHey everyone I want to make it clear I’m fine, I felt suicidal a couple of hours ago. But they are just passing thoughts, like I don’t want to make anyone worried. It’s life, we all have trials and tribulations, How else to we grow as people?
January 5, 2018 at 4:15 pm #185283AlexParticipantThanks to everyone that has helped I feel a lot better, glad some people were touched by my story ❤️
January 5, 2018 at 4:59 pm #185289ElianaParticipantJanuary 5, 2018 at 6:47 pm #185299
SoniaParticipantHey Alex!
I understand how you feel because I went through something very, very similar to your story. I’m also 20 years old and from the US. I also often get thoughts of suicide and periods of feeling like a failure but I know I have the power to turn my life into something better for me. I understand it’s hard, I understand you feel stuck and lost with no one there for support but I just want to say is fight through this now because the dawn right before the sun rises is always the darkest. We need to bare through the dark night in order to see the sun rise into a new day. I’m using these experiences to create a better future for myself. As a child, I’ve always wanted the superpower to heal anyone who is feeling pain and sadness because I know what it is like to feel pain and sadness. So I’m turning this superpower I’ve always wanted into a future for myself. I’m in college right now working hard to become a doctor. I’m sure you must have had some goals or dreams as a child? Maybe you can use this as a chance to get away from the stress and pain and create your own path?
Of course the first thing and most important thing is safety and please seek help 🙂
You can do this ❤️
January 6, 2018 at 4:52 am #185315AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
Taking on the long, long path of healing from such abusive childhood as you described starts with seeing to it that you are no longer abused.
You wrote: “I have limited contact with my mother as I will get a lot of abuse for cutting contact”-
Please answer only if you are comfortable doing so:
What kind of contact do you have with your mother (and her husband?)
Who will abuse you if you cut contact with her… and how?
anita
January 6, 2018 at 5:09 am #185319AlexParticipantHey Anita, my mother is emotionally abusive. She would try manipulate me saying things like “How could you do this to your mother” even though she has never done anything for me and put me in dangerous situations. She would flip it on me and try turn everyone against me. Even though just trying to get space. She only cares about what she wants. I constantly get calls even though I say I don’t want to talk to her, She has also never apologised or even talked about the past. She did one time but she flipped it on me saying. “Sorry I left but I don’t deserve this your horrible to me and a shit son”. I’ve given up on trying to make our relationship work, why should I keep forgiving her when she has showed zero remorse for what she put me through.
January 6, 2018 at 5:22 am #185323AnonymousGuestDear Alex:
Your thinking about your mother reads clear and reasonable to me. What she says to you is abusive. The fact that she never apologized, never took responsibility for the harm she has caused you, is indeed unforgivable.
Is she living in South African while you are living in the UK?
And regarding my second question: if you cut contact with her, who will abuse you and how? You wrote that she will “try turn everyone against (you”)- can you elaborate?
anita
January 6, 2018 at 6:29 am #185327AlexParticipantIt’s just I am close with my stepbrother and he still has contact so I know she will say stuff about me to him. So it just complicates things to be perfectly honest.
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