I reread my post and I wanted to add one more thing. Simply put I know with my brain now that, the way that I have treated for example my husband was not only wrong but rooted in this self torture that I have endured because of my parents. And Resulting anxiety that it has caused me from a much younger age than I realize. I also know that my parents and the way they acted is objectively wrong. And it is not an opinion or feeling in me but is truly wrong and it has led to a lifetime of despair within myself and my sister —things that I am now only starting to realize and work on and be aware of. This will be a lifelong journey. But at the end of the day sometimes given all the above I want to actually FEEL these things not just know them in my brain.   Perhaps like I said because they have been repressed for so long and I did not feel them, it is not natural or easy me to now actually start letting it sink in.