Dear Anita.

I see see that without realizing I was repressing and freezing as a child unknowingly as a coping mechanism so I continue to do now as an adult as my mind and body don’t know it is time to un-numb and heal.

As an aside. I find that not only do I not feel the gravity of the situation at hand (such as lashing out at a fiancé that was unwarranted- or having a terrible fight with mom the night before). But I wake up after an evening like that and have fixation and rumination about peripheral issues.

For examples sake. Say yesterday I was impatient and short and negative with my husband because my mom had a terrible accusatory conversation with me and I projected onto him.  I go to sleep realizing yes it was wrong for me to act that way but not feeling sad or remorseful. Just “knowing” in my brain. I then wake up the next morning feeling tense. But NOT ABOUT the issue at hand. I for example am rumination and fixated on:

oh so and so hasn’t gotten back to me about this weekend, that’s weird, is it something I did. Nope probably not- hmm well why is she being so inconsistent. Gosh that’s weird

an example of something that would literally TAKE over my mind the whole morning. As though nothing big happened the night before. My mind focuses on that and almost “forgets” the issue from the night before. Aware it happened sure, but no feeling about it. Just constant focus and rumination about this “thing” at hand (such as above about a friend or something like that)

i will elaborate on what else you said about contact with my mom in a moment.  I just wanted to get your take on the above