Hello,

Along with that, there was a time when my mom was having company that my mother said to my sister: we have people coming over so go somewhere, it will look bad if they come over and you’re just home. (Like oh she is just home no plans no friends)

i remember my sister calls me while driving and pretty much trying to kill time – and I was so saddened.  At this time about 2 years ago I will say I didn’t know what I knew now  my thought process was dual.  1) how terrible for my mother to do this to my sister – so what if she’s home! 2) my poor sister doesn’t have an alternate plan so she’s out there literally trying to kill time —

now my thought would be more like this: 1) how dare a mother treat her daughter like that – she finally has someone “over” and finally feels like she has friend so she kicks her daughter to make herself look “good or cool”  absolute atrocious abuse.

i see a lot more of her actions to my sister as this – and I have realized over the last week that yes she may have more blatantly said these things to my sister as she has this different attitude towards her  – that doesn’t mean I haven’t endured incredible abuse from her too. Sometimes I think a lot of it has pertained to recent times but looking back I see patterns so young. I just didn’t know it. Here are some memories:

1- very strange but if we were getting our bathing suits on when we were much younger say I was 10  my mom would jokingly ALWAYS bring up how she never had the belly or stretch marks before I was born  – and she was so skinny – how she misses that body. I recall feeling kind of bad that this “happened to her”

2- I was a very naughty child and it’s been a running joke as a child that I was a terror. This is often joked around and is not uncommon in many families. Well it was always made apparent to me by my mother that I always cried when I was a young baby and toddler. Inconsolable and entirely attached to her.  She couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without me crying.

I recall a time in medical school say I was 22 – and I had the first of what I now know is an “emotional breakdown” feeling lost overwhelmed, scattered, hopeless, sad. At this time I had NO idea that my parents were what we know now. I just thought they had a lot of sad things happen to them by many people and as a result endured a lot of pain. (my poor parents so many people have done them wrong and made them suffer)

Anyway at 22 I recall feeling that “breakdown” and I usually went to my friends for the typical ups and downs – but I remember it was so bad I instantly called my parents.

I recall talking to both parents and they said things like: we don’t know what to tell you, ever since you were young you’ve always had a problem. You came out of the womb crying and you continue still. We just don’t know what to do with you. This is too much you’re an adult now.

I had totally forgot this until 2 weeks ago, something on TV reminded me and I told my husband and he was horrified. He said I know a lot of what your parents did- but to kick you when you’re down like that. Wow.

I thought to myself things like this were the norm – wow.

3) another thing is related to let’s say dating/marriage. For me (because my mom considers me this princess golden child) she always had an expectation that I would marry the “best” guy. So in many ways those qualities van be tangible such as career, education, etc.

This is not uncommon in My culture and that’s fine. On the other hand she has told my sister and I from a very young age how unhappy she is with my father (a whole other story to post about) and as a result said and imprinted so many things in our brains: make sure you find someone you’re attracted to, make sure you find someone that’s a fun person, etc.

Yes it seemed like “advice” back then. But if was sick. Because as a person who takes what my mom said very seriously (as you pointed out to me that I take the job very seriously) I took this to heart.

I would go for someone that was educated and food on paper, but say didnt make me laugh I would have an immediate feeling of anxiety about the concept. And so much pressure on myself. Such as oh how will I ever find “both”

My mom always had a comment. If someone was marrying someone that they got along with but wasn’t necessarily great on paper she would say oh look she got stuck with that kind of guy bc she had no options . But then on the other side still go on and on about how she’s such a fun and adventurous person and my father isn’t and so that’s been such a let down in her life. A daughter like me as you know- took this mixed feedback and all to heart. It was very overwhelming.

She often also made it feel like we have the power. I have to find a good guy. Smart girls find them. But then she would go on and on about how some people are lucky And some aren’t. (she applied this to many things in life).

For a very long time I put immense pressure on myself with dating given all the above. (I’m sure I can elaborate more later).