Good morning Anita,

I too feel affection and appreciation towards you.  In fact there was a few hours yesterday due to technical difficulties we could not post, I thought to myself – I hope this doesn’t last long as talking to Anita has been such an important and precious part of my last few weeks (if not months)!

I have been doing more observations vs. judgement over the last few days, of myself, and of others.  I observe that my post above may look to an outsider or bystander as: “wow, this girl is coming to an awakening, she wants to be free and prioritize herself and say NO more abuse from parents.”

Sure – yes in theory.  But as I point out, I am by no means fully ready at this exact moment to make that decision. More on this below.

I notice that instead of my thoughts going in circles (rumination) – they have new wavelengths.  I visualize this as a circle with a small opening that goes elsewhere, perhaps an arrow – instead of a deep rooted spiral.  This arrow has led my thoughts to new places, unknowns.

-if my parents died suddenly, what would I feel?

–perhaps some strange relief to be honest, but the key point is here my natural tendency is to think this: i would feel sad because my parents lived a tortured life, and now they are gone before they had the chance to ever live happily, oh what a shame they died in vain, never experiencing joy or rising above all the afflictions.

to that person I say: that’s not my fault.  this may sound sad if written in a history novel, but in my life all the above has caused me is suffering. to the point that my life has been far worse than theirs.  i can mourn that individuals suffer, but I cannot feel guilty (or at  least work on trying not to – it will take time).  For it is not my responsibility that they never rose above and found happiness.  This makes sense to me if I outline it by tangible examples.

–my whole life the holidays were sad and lonely, fillled with, oh everyone else has better plans. as I got older we traveled and were always occupied so this wasn’t as apparent (but the hollowness was still there).  I grew up and found a man with such a giving and loving family that they opened their arms up to my parents and family for every holiday.  treating them like their own even prior to us being engaged or anything. buying gifts for my sister. the whole thing

what did my parents do? they insulted these people, treated them like garbage, showed off in front of their extended family, and acted superior.

well you know what – you no longer have relations with them.  there you go – all your life you were lonely during this time period, and I “found” you someone that will include you with open arms.  And all you did was spit on it and ruin it.  your misery during this time now forward is nothing but your own self sabotage.

this example leads me to realize that even without realizing – I always did try to bring them happiness, and fill their voids.  But as you pointed out months ago in one post – there is no pleasing a mother (parents) like this.  nothing will EVER be good enough. yes anita – I now know what you mean.  I truly do.

my father calls me yesterday to discuss a car registration (mundane normal topic) – and if anyone was listening it would be as normal as ever.  it’s moments like these that I have a temporary lapse thinking oh they can be ” normal sometimes.”

he then goes on to talk about our “move in the next 6 months” and is pointing out all the good things that are close to home (where I grew up).  what he is trying to do is play that game of persuasion without sounding pushy.  well I am far smarter, diplomatic, and astute than he – and I read right through it.  I said to myself, my husband and I will move where we want to, when we want to, based on our choices – this will have nothing to do with you.

I see that they know Cali Sister moved 2000 miles away, and don’t always focus on her coming back (perhaps they know she won’t) and I have always been the golden child, obsessive priority.

I see that they have no life.  I am their life.  I am their hobby.  If they happened to be busy with something else (plans, family members, travels) sure that is occupying – but that is all momentary.  In the grand scheme of things I am their life.  Understanding this is important because it goes back to my previous post, on how they would be when I have children.

I like that you pointed out to my sister and I that even the worst people, have some glimpses of “good qualities” or seemingly normal.  I must remind myself this whenever I find myself engaging in something that may not be classicially negative (such as talking about car registration).

I know that they are desperate, and expect me to be their savior from their miserable hollow lives.  I can not.

“Where should your loyalty be, whose well being is your responsibility? Your own. What a concept, isn’t it?”

Yes quite a concept, one I can not absorb in its entirety just yet.  It makes sense, but does not mean much just yet – but I know it will, I am close to it.

I have a feeling there will be a breakdown sometime soon, perhaps if we decide to move to another part of the country, and they sense that we are avoiding them.  perhaps this breakdown will not be for months, who knows.  it is only a matter of time.

I ask myself – am I waiting for some huge debacle to say no enough is enough? am i waiting to hit rock bottom yet AGAIN – before I can walk away.  I think so…I can’t say it sounds like a good idea from the outside from a reader, or someone like yourself.  But I know I am not ready just yet.

I do want to focus on some small victories however, as that is more attainable for me at the present moment.

-I do not feel the need to make a plan with them anytime in the near future.  They can sit with the uncertainty of when will we see them next (next month – 2 months – oh no when) — that’s fine.

-I do not feel the need to tell them any of our plans re: potential move locations.  we have been traveling and interviewing all over the country and will continue to do so through february.  I used to feel that if I was on a plane and traveling far they should at least know.  It’s my little secrete with my husband and a few others – and that suits me just fine.  No one’s opinions matter

-I do see what you mentioned about “protecting” my sister by keeping in touch with them. It is false.  There is no protecting from monsters.  whether you talk to them daily or never ,they are and always will be the same.  My sister  and they have a very very different relationship.  That is not up to me to mend, to protect, or change.  Also, continuing to harm myself is no good for anyone, myself or my close loved ones (such as my sister and husband) they –as you know in her posts –have suffered negativity from me when I have gone down dark paths due to my parents.  When I am ready to break away from the evil, it will be for me (and all else around will also benefit down the line).

-You may not know this per se, but my mother has put a tremendous emphasis on our Indian culture.  Which I loved, I speak 2 Indian languages, trained in classical dance, have a great appreciation for the food holidays etc.

but not only did she emphasize it – she taught us there was only one way – for example:

-oh your future husband doesn’t seem to speak the Indian language at home, his parents don’t have good culture (wow can I believe that I actually believed thus! the power this woman has over me in brainwashing)

-oh that part of the state/country etc doesn’t have a lot of Indian culture, you won’t be able to maintain it (which to me means that I MUST find Indian cultural activities in proximity to where I live or I am not doing a good job maintaining it) this is my JOB – and as you know I take my job very seriously

-children (of people in my generation such as my friends and cousins) don’t seem to have culture these days.  Your generation isn’t teaching them the language or values.  (to me means, wow i must do that when I do have kids because If i don’t it equals bad)

With the help of my husband I am seeing things a little differently.  Yes, I do value my culture and things like language ARE important to me, as is food, dance etc.  But I see that holding and gripping onto the above so tightly isn’t culture – it’s small minded control.  It’s narrow minded thinking in that only one way is good.  In fact, if “cultured Indian people” are so great – then why are you so evil mmom? did your culture that is so full of family values, and respect and all teach you to disrespect and abuse your daughters? is that culture?

i know and hope that over time I will develop my own sense of what culture and traditions mean to me.  I know it won’t be easy as I have been taught there is only one right way. But as you say – all they do is speak untruths.  If any of it was true, wouldn’t they be happy – and wouldn’t I…?