Dear joanna:

Childhood is when those many thousands of neuropathways in the brain are formed, and so, yes, the roots of most issues are there. I think that the term Formative Years for childhood years is correct because those pathways are formed then. That illogical hope we are talking about is a web of such pathways.

Was it a relief, the dying of that hope? No. The relief was every time I imagined that she will love me, seeing her in my imagination smiling at me approvingly. That was a heavenly felt relief. This is what kept me going, hoping.

The death of that hope freed me and frees me from being blind to life. As long as the hope was alive, my eyes were closed. In a way, all I could see was that approving smile I longed for so desperately. I didn’t see the person I imagined smiling to me, who that person is. And I didn’t see myself, who I am and was from the beginning.

Now I see.

anita