Dear Mark,

Definitely. I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong, and therefore I have lived so long hiding away with anxiety and depression, and finding myself just falling in to situations. Even having the confidence to get out of bed is a big thing for me – especially in this house where I know I am judged. And because I tend to get to sleep around 4am, due to the unsettled living environment. I had a really good day yesterday (I will explain why in my message to Anita below) – and it made me realise once again, who I am and what I stand for, and why the world does need someone like me.

At the moment I am on anti-depressants, and I will be talking to the bank this week to see what I can do financially for the next couple of months to get me out of this house, and town. The town that I live in is very conservative, and I often get judged and labelled as “trouble” just for standing up for myself. It’s very behind with the times and I do often get judged for a) having an opinion and b) for how I look. I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town. house, job does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in – like Bristol.

I took some time out last night/ today to watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. This evening I am going to be emailing potential houses….. Thank you for your support – above everything happening right now, it has been the thought of the tiny buddha community and feedback on this post that has really given me that strength and hope and sense of understanding that I need.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for being supportive of my assertiveness 🙂 From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing. I came from a heavily sexist household, and so I was never really taught to be proud to be a woman, or that it was okay to be a woman and have an opinion (it’s crazy I know). I think that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronising from anyone, because my childhood was wasted living in fear and anxiety – and that’s something I’ll never get back…. So when I do manage to make it in to town, I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way, because if I didn’t I think it would send the message that it’s okay to talk to people like that.

I went in to town yesterday, and funnily enough I had a testing situation in a charity shop – presenting me with this exact situation. I actually got labelled as “trouble” for asserting myself, and I think you’ll find this interesting.
Here is what happened:

One of the few times I head in to town (because a lot of the time I stay at home with depression and anxiety), to put up some gig posters. I went in to a charity shop (who still had my old poster up from before). It went like this:

Me: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster up in here please? My old one’s still in the window”.
Woman on till: “Yes sure, so you already know that it’s 50p to put up a poster”.
(I didn’t know this as before the woman let me put it up for free, so I just replied honestly).
Me: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”.
Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p, as most places charge to put it up”.
(Again, I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t going to pay the 50p, I just know that other places in town don’t charge so I replied honestly).
Me: “Oh really? Most of the cafe’s let me put it up for free”.
(I was starting a general conversation, I never said I wasn’t going to pay the 50p).