Hello Mepina

Thank you for such a detailed post to me, i appreciate it 🙂 Again sorry for not replying sooner, as i told Anita i just needed to take a break for myself.

”i think you already understand the paradox of this phrase: if things were ok, you wouldn’t have nightmares, you wouldn’t feel low. Our bodies and our emotions try their best to warn us when something is not going well. We, with our minds and all the wounds and insecurities, we tend to stick to situations and we ignore all the red flags, all the signs.”

Yes it was evidently not ok, the time i went back i had no trust in anyone not even in myself, i felt betrayed, i felt sick i just felt awful. I honestly felt like nothing. It was my determination to make things better again that i tried to suppress all those feelings and pretend to be ok. Hence the not sleeping at all, severe depression and the constant nightmares.

”Just out of my curiosity: do you REALLY want the whole proposal-marriage-living-for-ever-with-him plan? Just imagine that his application is successful and within some months he moves to your country and you start living together and you get married. Close your eyes and bring yourself to that exact moment: waking up in the morning with him by your side.
Do you feel happiness and calmness and a feeling that all are right? Is everything fine and you just feel incredibly with this idea? Do you trust and support fully this man lying there next to you? Do you feel you can also depend on him and you are living as a team now, in harmony? Are the depression and the nightmares gone? Are you happy?
Or that image brings you a kind of anxiety, an agony, a weird feeling of incompleteness like a goal never to be reached or a sense of instability and a burn in your stomach?”

This is the complicated thing Mepina, when things are good between us things cant be anymore beautiful, when a week goes by and we havent fought our days just flow so beautifully. We are kind to one another, we are romantic, we listen to one another. I dont want to sound like im the perfect one in the relationship as i am not, but it seems like he is the one to break that ”normality” and become abrupt when work becomes more stressful or if he has something to do, or when he wants to be on his own and im inconveniently there. It just comes to an abrupt halt, into which i get angry and frustrated and then the fights begin. The answer to your question is yes i can imagine waking up to him in the morning, i can see me married to him. I am scared of course i am of what could happen, and my obvious trust issues can be crippling, but i have always had trust issues. Every man i have been with has cheated on me however pathetic this may sound, do i have to wait for years and years till i find someone that wont cheat? I am not saying im settling because i may not find a man that wont cheat on me, but these trust issues will be with me for most probably the rest of my life. The nightmares have gone, the anger is still somewhat there not as much so, but the sadness is there too but its gotten better. These months apart has made me learn a lot about myself and the need to heal myself. Who knows maybe when we meet again things may all fall apart, but this time when they do i wont be running back to accommodate his feelings and soul, i will be there to help mine.

Kindest Regards