January 10, 2018 at 1:42 am #185881
Here i am again writing another post about my relationship. I am honestly getting sick of hearing myself, i have asked for help before and people have always given me the answer i know is the right one: Leave him! But i just cant find myself to do so.
If you havent read any of my previous posts, i will give you a little insight, I am with a man who's serving in the RAF. I met him whilst he was deployed in my country and also going through a divorce. After a year of dating long distance i decided to sacrifice my job, leave my family and friends and home to move with him in his country and so i did.
After moving there, i was given no support, i was lied to, i found out how many lies he had been telling me and because of all these lies i am sure that he has also cheated on me. Why did i stay? Well i fell in love with his little boy and i treated him as my own ( I have no children) and also i just left everything and spent a hell of a lot of money moving over there and ofcourse i love him very much.
Despite everything i managed to find myself a very good job where i got a promotion within a few months, i bought myself a brand new car, but still things were rocky. I had no friends, no social life, all i had was him. I decided i had enough, i was very depressed to the point i nearly committed suicide a couple of times, was dependent on xanax and sleeping pills. This is NOT how i wanted to be, this was not me!! I decided to leave in February and said maybe we need a break and to decide what we needed to do. I left and went back to my home country, where i could have the support i needed. I started therapy and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. We kept in contact, not as much but he was still sending me pictures of his son and telling me he loves me. I found out though a couple of weeks of being home that he was sleeping with 2 women, i on the other hand DID NOT sleep with anyone or go with any other man. Why the hell did i go back? I don't know, i myself have no idea why i went back and why i thought he really needed me and the reason why he went off the rails was because he lost me, well this is what he told me too. Í went back, things weren't going to bad, but i had continuous nightmares and i was always very very low, understandable i guess, but things were going ok, not brilliant but ok.
When i came back he said he signed up out of his frustration to go to a war zone for 4 months. I told him i will wait and support him but there is no way that i will stay in his country on my own god forbid anything happened to me, I want to go home, but i also told him i have had enough living here, i want to go back home permanently. I gave him the option if he wants to be with me then we can be together and his son can come whenever he wants. I think i have done enough to prove my love for him and have stood by him through thick and thin.
Before he left in November, he applied to come to my country ( i.e to be deployed) once his current employment has finished, as this is possible, apparently we would have the application process come up in December, obviously i cannot see when it will appear as it is only through the military system and only he has access to it. It is now Mid January and he says he has heard nothing yet. If this application does not come through then he said he will leave the RAF, but to leave they want a year notice ( This is true as i have researched) , but i cannot stop thinking that he is lying to me, that he wants me to go back for a year and string me along and then break it off with me as he has changed his mind and then that's another year of my life that i have wasted.
He said when he gets back he will propose to me and he wants to start a family with me in my home country but when I try to speak to him about it im faced with negativity! I need to know what the hell is going on, i cant live in limbo all the time i need to know what is happening. I have things i want to achieve i am nearly 30, i want to open up my own business, get married and have a child. Every time i mention the future or about the application process he says i am being pushy, or i am putting pressure on him am i really doing this or is he being his manipulative self and making me feel that im the bad person again. How else can i make him see that me knowing is very important to me, his life wont change within the year but mine will. I have to go back to the place that caused me such unhappiness and have to put my life on hold yet again. Is there anyway i can tell him? Any insight and advise would be much appreciative, i really am so stressed and i cant handle any more anxiety attacks 🙁 Sorry for the long storyJanuary 10, 2018 at 5:57 am #185917
Can you take a break from him for a year while dating other men? The time and the experience of being with (mostly) good guys (some might be better) will give you a perspective and distance that you so desperately need! You can stay in the son's life… as an old family friend. But this BF? The women? Nope!
InkyJanuary 10, 2018 at 7:45 am #185939
There are two issues here: the man and his son. Who takes care of his son when he is deployed?
Regarding the man- your hope is focused on him. You want to get married and have a loving family, and that want is focused on him, as if he is the only person to make it happen. You look for him to understand you and then make your dream a reality.
You asked: “How else can I make him see (what) is very important to me… Is there anyway I can tell him (what is important to you)?”-
Are you asking how to make a person who doesn't care, start to care? Elaborated: are you asking how to make a person who doesn't have your well-being his high enough priority, change his priorities and place your well being on his list of important priorities?
anitaJanuary 11, 2018 at 12:00 am #186083
Theres no chance i could take another break, if that's how it is going to be id rather break up once and for all.
Unfortunately i cant be in his sons life if we break up because he will be in another country and hes 7 and lives with his mum ( My bf's ex wife) , so no other ways of contact.
Im sure there are other men that are ten times better, i don't need to take a break to know this unfortunately.
I know it seems like a disaster waiting to happen and i really dont know how to stop loving and just let go.
AlexandraJanuary 11, 2018 at 1:58 am #186091
Hello there Anita,
I hope you are ok and thank you yet again for replying.
His mother has full custody and we see him every other weekend, but on holidays or half terms we have for a week or two weeks, depending.
well yes, you hit the nail on the head, i am trying to make someone who doesnt have me first on his priority list only himself as he always has.
But how can you love someone like that and not want to give up even when you know he doesnt and wont care as much as you will or do.
I am at the moment doing Reiki Healing, i was going to psychoanalysis, psychiatrist and psychologist too and spent so much time to try and get better, but nothing seemed to work, i felt great on that day and then the next week till my next appointment i was depressed again. It just seemed like a temporary fix and going through all the emotions and talking about all the painfull things just made me worse.
In regards to Reiki, we have a very good connection and i dont know why i just seem so much more calmer, i dont know if its to do with the Reiki or i have just started not to care anymore i.e giving up.
Like i said above he is now deployed and we hardly speak, whenever he isnt working. I have to believe what he tells me, apparently last night there was a midnight meal (for those who were working night shift), he doesnt work night shift and i also had no idea that they served food at that time as he never told me. So i questioned this and said ”oh i didnt know there was midnight food ” etc.. and he went on full attack mode that i am always finding faults and that i dont trust him.
My usual reaction would have been an emotional tantrum, and it just didnt come. I was a little upset, but i was very calm and explained to him if i dont know something its because you havent told me and there was no need to swear and go on and on about it.
I think this threw him off, he came back after about 2 hours babbling on about trust and what i said was wrong and he did nothing wrong, and i answered him, its all good no worries whatsoever, lets forget this. I get a reply saying i love you with a crying face..
Seems to me its like reverse psychology now, i am showing him strength and he is now like a whimpering dog.
This is just so frustrating!!! I just want to get on with my life.January 11, 2018 at 4:16 am #186095
You are welcome. I am okay, thank you. Good to communicate with you again.
Regarding the first item, his seven year old son. If you lived with his father, you would see his son, as you have, only every other weekend and on holidays when the father is not deployed. That is a very limited time. There is another woman who is in the center of this boy's life, and that is his mother. And so, ending the relationship with his father is not likely to be traumatic for the boy, I am thinking.
*Make a mental note, if you will, to not form a relationship with a man's children in the future before a healthy, loving, committed, very long term relationship is formed.
Regarding the man: you stated: “I am trying to make someone who doesn't have me first on his priority list only himself as he always has (place you as his high priority)”
Can very well be the same old same old motivation a child has: to make an unloving parent change to a loving parent. There is nothing a child will not do to make this happen. The unsuccessful girl grows up and is now a woman. She meets a man who is unloving and the old motivation automatically awakens: change him to a loving man!
At times it is all clear to you, that this relationship is not healthy for you and you feel calm, correct? But a little while later and you feel depressed. Your brain is trying to solve the problem, the depression, the distress and comes up with .. the same old same old solution: make him love you!
It is stuck on the same solution, only the solution cannot be implemented.
A child cannot fire a parent, interview candidates and choose the best candidate for the next parent. So the child has no other solution possible but make this parent love her.
Does this sound true to you and did anything like this come up in the therapy you attended so far?
January 11, 2018 at 7:31 am #186121
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Yes it is very nice being able to communicate with you again.
Yes you are right in the aspect that the person who is most important in his life is his mother, not his father and I. When i moved over his son was a lot more connected to me, obviously being used to having his mother around and not his father. Only as time has gone by and me trying very hard to make him and his father connect, has the circumstances changed and now he wants his dad a lot more than he ever has, and for this i am so so happy, as they both need one another.
Again you have said something that has hit me hard but i also know its very true, it wont be traumatic for him to lose me, but will be very traumatic for me unfortunately, even now that i have been away from him and its killing me. I sent him his xmas presents too via Amazon, his father could have done the same but didnt. Now that i think of that too, its pretty messed up.
Wow, you know i never thought about it that way. My biological father has been in and out of my life, would speak to me for a couple of weeks and then disappear for the next 2 years unless i call him to make contact. I had my step father though who loved me unconditionally and looked after me when my father didnt. I always want approval from people and want love, because i give so much love back. Is this my problem?
Well it did at times, that my want for approval comes from my childhood but my Councillor never properly explained to me why i feel the way i do or why i have such a dire need to be loved and wanted, i thought this was a basic human need, is it not?
xJanuary 11, 2018 at 8:23 am #186133
The need to be loved is a human need, of course. What I suggested earlier is not that you have a “dire need to be loved and wanted”, but that you have the need to be loved and wanted by a person who doesn't.
The italicized is the problem, not the need.
If you want to elaborate about your step father's unconditional love for you, please do: from what age to what age was he in your life, what was his unconditional love like?
anitaJanuary 12, 2018 at 12:53 am #186263
How do i stop this need of wanting to be loved by people who dont? This is what i find so hard.
Of course i can tell you, it is very complicated my childhood. My mother and my step father were together before i was born, they were separated when i was born but not divorced, he still had contact with my mother and his children ( my 2 step sisters). My mother proceeded with another relationship to a married man ( My biological father) and then they had me. He of course had a wife and children too, and to be honest i dont think very much bothered about me. My step father on the other hand wanted my mother still and he continued to support my mother and us children. They still were not living together, but my step father used to come to the house everyday to have lunch with us, he did all the food shopping too, took us out for meals etc.. very strange arrangement, but then again thats all i knew. He showed me love in the sense he never let me go without, he would take me to the beach to pick shells, to the park, to his house to play with his expensive china and take me for meals, as i got older i held him very high as he wasnt my dad but never ever wanted me to call him by his name, ONLY dad. I only found out that he wasnt my dad at the age of 6, was quite a blow, but i didnt really connect with my real dad, so this man who brought me up was considered for me, my dad! i lost him when i was around 23 years old from prostate cancer. My world turned upside down and even to this day i cry for him but at least he is not suffering. I saw it as unconditional because i thought this man loves me so much yet i am not even his child, and this is how i love too, i give so much love to people and unfortunately most of the time it is not returned.
BlessingsJanuary 12, 2018 at 3:35 am #186277
You asked how to “stop this need of wanting to be loved by people who don't” –
got to go back in time to when this need was formed. There is someone in your early life who did not love you and whose love you craved.
There is no way for me to know who that was. Could be your mother, maybe she was too busy, otherwise occupied in her complicated life. Maybe your step father attended to you as he did because he noticed that you were not attended to.
If you would like, share more and hopefully, as a result of this communication, you will have a bit more clarity about this “never ending stressful relationship” (title of your thread) and about the person who keeps going back to it, you, that is.
anitaJanuary 12, 2018 at 6:33 am #186299
I am trying to go back in time to see who was in my life that didnt show me the love i craved. I think i have blocked it out, i dont remember mum being very much in my childhood, very small snippets of it just like my step father. My biological dad i remember very little. I wasnt very close to my sisters growing up either because of the large age gap, the sister closest to me is 11 years older than me. This is all i can honestly remember 🙁
If this is the actual problem i have, then how do i get out of it since i have this ”problem” for 29 years, literally my whole life!
BlessingsJanuary 12, 2018 at 7:27 am #186303
Do you remember how you felt when you were 14 and your mother left you so to be with another man in another country?
Who did you stay with… how long was she gone?
anitaJanuary 12, 2018 at 8:21 am #186313
You've heard it before..and you think you can't do it/ won't get over him but you will.
Leave him, for your own health. This person is toxic and will not change I promise you. People can only change if they really really want to.
You're wasting your life and contributing to your own depression and anxiety. Do it for yourself, you deserve so much more.
Sure, you're going to miss the little boy, but that will also disappear in time. You have to do this for yourself, the more you keep going back the more painful it will be.
You can do thisJanuary 12, 2018 at 10:30 am #186331
Hi there Anita,
Yes i remember, i felt awful and i felt very rejected and abandoned and tossed here and there. Couple of months here and there when she was going for a couple of months every so often i would stay at my God mothers house. When she finally decided to move i had to move in with my sister. My sister had a very abusive ex husband and they had divorced, but he was still causing trouble every night, and when that whole drama ended she was with someone else who also physically abused her. I lived there under very strict rule, of course now i understand why, she was given the responsibility to look after me and she didnt want me to get into trouble. I was left to my own devices though, had no one to help me with my school studies, hence why i quit at the age of 16. I never got on with my sister back when we were living together, i was also made to pay my way, even though my step father (her father) paid all her bills, her house, her food shopping.
When i was 16 i met my first bf, who coincidentally lived a few houses down, we met and we fell in love. His mother looked after me, he was a little older than me and lived with his mum. She got me a job, fed me and did what a mother should do and i was very happy for 4 years with him, but ive blocked all of it out, i cant remember a lot of things and i have only recently realised this. I block things, even when i broke up with my last partner whom i was with for 4 and half years theres so much i dont remember until my family bring it up and then i think ahh yes that did happen. Its very strange.. but coming back to what you said about how i felt. I felt alone, i felt like no one wanted me, not my father, mother or sisters…
BlessingsJanuary 12, 2018 at 10:35 am #186333
Hey there Chanelle
Thank you for taking time to reply 🙂 I know i can do it, i know i can, i was the one that broke it off with my last bf of 4 and a half years and i cannot understand why on earth i cant let this person go!
You are so right a person can only change if they truly want to, and i dont think he does because he doesnt try and i honestly do believe he thinks he has no issues or problems.
What he has done to me and what he keeps on doing to me is disgusting and if it were my friend telling me this id tell them to leave this person!
Thing is i dont think i deserve more than this, maybe this is the punishment i deserve for all the wrong things ive done in life, that i wont find anything more than this.. i am so scared to abandon all these hopes and dreams ive set my mind to with him. I feel like ive wasted 3 years of my life! I have invested so much physically and mentally on this person .. i dont know what is wrong with me, i am just petrified of letting him go.