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Update on my never ending stressful relationship

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This topic contains 104 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 months ago.

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  • #186335

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    My  own memory of my childhood and life overall is very poor, so I understand your lack of memory. Living in a dissociated, detached way removes the emotion from the daily experience,  minimizing it. Emotion is what glues memory in our brain. With very little emotion, living disassociated, the events do not stick in memory.

    You may not remember this, then, but as you went through this unloving experience of your childhood, an experience that was not corrected by your stepfather (ex., he didn't remove you from your sister's, nor didn't effectively interfere so to cause your sister to be more accommodating to you)-

    you reached out to the people who were not loving to you. You reached out to your mother, to your sister, to … anyone, perhaps. A child doesn't simply accepts lack of love, she reaches out to it, tries to earn it, again and again.

    This reaching out is that investment you mentioned in your very last post, above: “I have invested so much physically and mentally…”- that is the reaching out.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #186337

    anita
    Participant

    * didn't submit correctly…

    #186339

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you yet again for taking the time to answer me.

    It really is quite scary how much we block out, i didnt even realise i did this but as i have gotten older i think i do this quite a lot.

    Yes you are right, so very right 🙁 I feel that if i can love you as much as i do, shouldnt you love me the way i do too? I crave just feeling loved and wanted. I am so insecure and self concious of myself and i wish i could just find someone that could love me without me fighting so hard for it, but how do i stop the viscious cycle of finding these people that dont love me.

    I write all this and i have tears streaming down my face, its just made me realise how sad my life has been and is and that im being toxic to myself.

    I just want to be normal, i dont want to be such an empath, i dont want to be weak. I want to be a strong person who can stand on her own two feet and not be scared to be alone.

    Blessings x

    #186347

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    Regarding memory and emotion: when I was dissociated, emotion minimized, I was not “awake” to my experience. Without emotion, I didn't pay attention. Without paying attention, details don't get recorded for keeps in the brain.

    Regarding the “vicious cycle of finding these people that don't love me”- I think that the sad reality is that love is rare, and so, any person is likely to meet a lot of unloving people, or people seriously lacking this way. Loving takes emotional health. It is an ability and lots of people are less than able. You probably don't meet more unloving people than other people meet. You just stay with them too long.

    It is okay for you to be empathetic (you last paragraph), but be empathetic to yourself first. If you have empathy for yourself, and then you have empathy for others, then you are not weak. You are strong!

    * Will be back in about sixteen hours or so.

    anita

    #186353

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    It is rare, love is so rare and unfortunately so abused now a days. People cheat and they lie and they hurt people and for what? Why cant people just love one another? It really is messed up and sometimes i am so scared to bring a baby up, what if i am a terrible mother and do the same thing to my child that was done to me? 🙁

    I have never ever thought of myself first, let alone try to love myself, how does one person go about loving themself? i know nothing of it 🙁 I know though when i love myself and be kind to myself then i can be strong enough to over come whatever life throws my way..

    Stay safe Anita and thank you yet again for your responses, they mean so much to me.

    Blessings x

    #186357

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    I read your most recent post and will reply to it with… an awake brain in about sixteen hours. Do something loving for yourself today, something small, will you? And if you do, please let me know about it.

    anita

    #186433

    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra,

    “How do i stop this need of wanting to be loved by people who dont?”
    The only answer to this, and the one that you have already answered at the end of your last post, is Self-love. All we can do is fill up ourselves with so much of self-love that we then extend it to others. In that case there is no wanting or needing from the other. I know it sounds promising but difficult, so more on this below.

    It also appears from your posts that you are emotionally or energetically clung/attached to this person and are unable to leave. Yes, this happens. Don't worry about that. You can certainly nullify, settle or loosen your karmic debt accounts with other people. How? By doing the below energy healing exercises.

    1) From what you have explained you still have the energetic cords (ties) of attachment with this person. These cords are invisible since they are at an energetic level. They are also called as psychic ties and they are especially in relationships. They do not necessarily cut the relationship but cuts the negativities in it. Either something may change for the better and you will continue with this person without any issues OR you will move out of this and be able to find new love again. Nobody knows what is going to happen but the cords of attachment need to be dissolved.

    Please go through the below links to know more on what it is and what to do-
    (http://ascendedrelationships.com/cutting-energy-cords/)

    Calling upon Archangel Michael with his golden sword is a very famous way of cutting negative cords-
    (http://www.nikkiboruch.com/how-to-cut-energetic-cords-with-archangel-michael)

    There are many ways of doing this. Simply do a web search on “cutting energetic cords of attachment”

    If you prefer something visual then there are lots of videos on YouTube too.

    2) Forgiveness Exercise:

    Format: I _______ FORGIVE YOU _____________, YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.
    Example: I <your name> FORGIVE YOU <his name>, YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.

    Chant the above as many times as possible. This is very effective. You can do this whenever you are not able to do the 1st one….or even when you are cooking, washing dishes, standing in a queue, etc…

    Do both the above ‘energy healing exercises’ and see your situation change for the better.

    ———————————————————————————————

    “i wish i could just find someone that could love me without me fighting so hard for it, but how do i stop the viscious cycle of finding these people that dont love me.”
    As mentioned above this is contradictory. You cannot wish to find someone to love you and still want to stop the cycle of finding people who don't love you back. Wanting is lacking and how will lacking fill up something.

    “I have never ever thought of myself first, let alone try to love myself, “
    From now on you are going to focus on yourself and self love.

    “If there is a panacea, or cure -all to life, it is self love.” ~Paul Solomon

    “how does one person go about loving themself? i know nothing of it ?? I know though when i love myself and be kind to myself then i can be strong enough to over come whatever life throws my way..”

    By practicing more of self love…
    Irrespective of whatever has happened in your past you can bring back self love again because love is always there with us and it doesn't leave us we leave it. It is only masked with the negativities of life.
    “Your task is not to seek for love, but… the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

    You might want to take a look at ‘Secrets to Loving Yourself!' by Aine Belton
    Earlier there were free ebooks available but now they don't seem to be available. I have 5 of them taken at that time when they were available for free to download. Just to give you an idea of what they are named as-
    1. SelfLoveSecrets
    2. 10 Road-Blocks to Self-Love
    3. LadderofLove
    4. MagicofReceiving
    5. 15 SelfLoveMantras

    I found one of them to be here
    http://www.scribd.com/document/100302183/Self-Love-Secrets

    If you liked the above then you may also want to take a look at the 30 days Self Love Journey by th same person, which is much more than these books. It is not free but it is very inexpensive.

    The below page has the details of what you will get from this new journey of yours –
    http://www.30dayselflovejourney.com

     

    Best wishes,
    VJ

    #186439

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello VJ,

    Firstly i would like to thank you so much for taking so much time to reply to me.

    Yes knowing how to self love is so promising yet for some a very difficult task. In regards to what you said about psychic ties, i have never thought about it in this aspect and it sort of rings true! I am somewhat tied to this person and cant cut the ties!

    To be able to cut the ties as you said it may bring two different results but i am so willing to give this a try. I will have a look at all the links and do the forgiveness excercise too. I can try and download those books if possible and i will mostly definitely keep you updated.

    Thank you yet again for giving me the opportunity to try something new, something i have never tried before and here is hoping it works. You are right, love is always with us it never goes and is only masked by the negative that happens in our lives.

    Blessings to you!

    #186441

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello there Anita,

    My day has only just started, so i bid you Good Morning from here.

    I will try and do something nice for myself today, i will keep you updated and awaiting your reply with your helpful advise that is awakening so many different emotions in me.

    Blessings

    x

    #186457

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    I agree, love is rare and abuse is common. But not only nowadays, but throughout history. Some past abuses were not illegal then, but are illegal now, and therefore less frequent. Other abuses are as common nowadays as they were before.

    You wrote: “Why can't people just love one another?” My attempted answer this early morning: in the beginning… a baby, a child, always loves her/ his parents. There is always love, in the beginning. Next, the parents do not return that love and often harm the child. Next, the growing up child passes on that harm to another and yet another, very often still trying to get that love returned from the parents, but as the child becomes a parent herself, she … neglects to love her own children. And so it goes.

    You wrote that you never thought of yourself first, never thought tried to love yourself. I am sure many times you did try to make yourself feel better. As a matter of fact, I am sure you have, repeatedly, every day, only you went about it the wrong way. You want to be loved so to feel good, that is your self interest. You went about it the wrong way by repeatedly investing while getting poor return on investment.

    It is like a person who placed a $1000 into a saving account that gives a yearly negative 25% interest rare. And the person keeps putting money there because… she already invested so much. So she invests more, exhausting her money until there is no more.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #186489

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi there Anita,

    You say that it all stems from our childhood, when we are born we experience love and we get the attention we need but as we grow older then this is when it becomes difficult as parents dont show us the correct love and attention that we need. Then how as as one of those children can i stop me doing this to children that i may have in the future? It is quite scary really as most children now are from broken homes and endure sights of their parents fighting, their parents addictions etc, are we all raising mentally messed up children? Maybe you know of some reading resources i could start reading to gain some knowledge?

    Yes you are right, i do try to make myself better, whether it be me booking myself a massage or getting my hair done etc.. but again this doesnt last long. In the relationship i am in now, even these things he makes me feel slightly bad for, like i shouldnt be pampering myself and should be saving the money on something else more important, he sometimes encourages me to go but then sometimes he uses it against me. It is true, when i feel loved ( what i think is love) it makes me feel good, it makes me feel that i have done something right, yet again i am always seeking approval.

    I am investing everything into this relationship, i actually cannot give anymore!

    Today he sent me a message saying that when he comes back he wants to start trying for a baby, now back then i would have jumped at that chance, as he was always the one saying we need to be a bit more settled before we can begin to start havign children. Today on the other hand struck a chord in me.. you want a baby when you know fully well i dont want to be pregnant or have my child in your country, the country i was most depressed in with yet again no support from family or friends, and also you supposedly dont even know if you are resigning from your job or getting the deployment here in my country. Which makes me wonder, getting me pregnant is the easy way out, it means if i have his child, he may make it difficult for me to leave as i will have his baby, or just let me go and not want to hear from me or the baby. I told him that i think the best time to start having a baby is when we are both settled, when we are strong and know what we want in life, he replied with ”and so the tables have turned, i thought this is what you wanted” i explained to him that i am seeing things a lot more logically now etc.. to which i had no reply.

    Blessings

    x

    #186535

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    Regarding your first few lines: what I expressed in the last post to you on this thread is not that when we are born we receive the love and attention that we need. What I wrote was that when we are born, as babies and young children, we are the ones loving our parent/s. We reach out to the parent for love, again and again, and it is the parent's love that is lacking.

    Lots of parents don't take good care of babies. But of the parents who do, it is way more difficult for them to take good care of a child (to love a child) as she or he grows up, as language develops and the life of the child becomes more complex. Many are unable. Or unwilling, or both.

    Regarding “are we all raising mentally messed up children?”- many millions of parents all over the world do just that, yes.

    To the rest of your recent post here: having a baby with him in his country is a bad idea. You will be presenting that baby with an inadequate father and an anxious, depressed mother (your very experience staying with him there).

    Do-no-harm, I like this principle, this value. Don't pass on the harm done to you to yet another … innocent, unsuspecting new life.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #186571

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am on your wave length now, sorry for the misunderstanding.

    I like the do no harm principle too, and yes if i had a baby over there id be very selfish towards the baby, thank God i have started to think more and more logically now i am back home and the depression isnt as bad.

    My family paid for all of us to go to a lovely hotel in a little village up in the mountains, and it is absolutely beautiful and refreshing. He on the other hand was a little jealous, and apologised for feeling the way he did etc..this is what he always does when i do something that doesn't involve being home or going to work. I just try to breathe and not get angry or agitated and just reply with ”You will leave soon and you will be able to do the things you love, hang in there” I never get any form of reassurance or support from him even though he was the one that chose to go where he is now. It is just a never ending drama story with him.

    Blesssings

    x

    #186577

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    You apologized for misunderstanding me. No need to apologize for something that is  not a wrongdoing. It is okay to misunderstand and I don't mind clarifying.

    I am glad you are conscientious about bringing a child into the world!

    He is jealous when you have a good time because he is not. Sure, he can't help what he feels, as our feelings are automatic. But if I was him, if I was interested in being loving, I wouldn't share this feeling with you. I would know that sharing it may rain on your parade, spoil your time. He has no control over how he feels but he has, or should have some control over what he says and does.

    This “never ending drama story with him”- is it of any benefit to you (consider before a fast “no”, will you?)

    anita

    #186601

    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello my good friend Anita,

    I do have the habit of saying sorry a lot, maybe i should stop saying it as often , i do this a lot i think because of him as he always makes me feel like i am in the wrong.

    Oh Anita i know it is of NO benefit for me whatsoever and i am really starting to think very seriously about all of this, i think more so than i ever have. You and others have opened my mind to a lot of things and have helped me see things i think i did not want to see, not only about him but about me also. I wont lie to you and say yes right now i will break up with him, because that would most definitely be a lie. I would like to say that i am seeing more of what my life could be without him.

    Unfortunately if i were to part with him whilst over here, id have to find a way to go back and bring my car back and the rest of my stuff and i can only do this with his help 🙁 The reason i left my car was because he asked me, he asked me to do this to give him hope that i wasnt going to leave him as soon as i got home..and i left it there.

    Update on tonight: Told him i was going downstairs to eat dinner in the hotel, and he said enjoy. I wrote him a lovely message saying that i would love to book us a night here as a welcome home gift, into which he completely ignored and when i mentioned this to him he said, well my days aren't as flexible as yours and wont know which day ill be coming anyway! There was no gratitude in his message. He then asked me what i was wearing, which is what he normally does and then said i am sure you have taken so many pictures ( I love taking pictures of family and treasured moments). but this time i did not, i didn't want to touch my phone i wanted to purely be immersed with the family. I answered that no i did not take any pictures and he replied with ” I thought i knew you” and ”sorry for putting a downer to your night” i just said to him its something i am used to but id rather not go into it now, goodnight, love you. He left it at that..hes made me upset, made me want to cry and shout and say why cant this man just be happy for me? FOR ONCE. I'm so tired of it, yet i know all i do is go back to him again and again. With his manipulative ways he will try and make me feel guilty for the way i acted and in the end i will apologise like i always do.. so we ended the day with an abrupt goodbye, after not speaking to him for at least 7 hours today..

    Life isn't difficult, neither is love..it is us that make it so. 🙁

    Blessings

    x

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