February 17, 2018 at 9:09 am #192967
Good resolution in the first two lines of your last post.
As to getting nervous- you want it to work out between the two of you and you are afraid that it will not, isn’t that what scares you, another bad experience?
anitaFebruary 17, 2018 at 10:20 pm #193043
Yes i guess, i am scared after all this self care and love and healing i have done to get to the good mental state i am in now it will all blow up in my face. The fact that i will need the strength to say NO to something that i know may be detrimental to my mental health. I say this because i am scared that his application may not go through and i ll have to wait for another year and go back.. i cant do it, i know i will crumble and go back to being depressed.
BlessingsFebruary 18, 2018 at 5:07 am #193075
Sometimes I go back and study a thread, or previous threads by any particular person, so to learn more. Maybe it is something you can do, maybe it will help you if you go back and read your past posts and communications, see if you can learn something new or get a deeper or better understanding of some things.
More clarity, more understanding can help you feel better and plan better.
anitaFebruary 18, 2018 at 9:43 pm #193245
Yes indeed it does, i do look through my journal as well sometimes, but its hard to accept how sad and how depressed i was and i get sad reading those journal inputs, however pathetic that may sound.
I will always keep you updated as you have truly helped me through things i never thought i could.
Thank you for being a friend. I hate social media etc.. i have learned to live entirely without it but what an amazing thing to be able to make friends whom you have no idea who they are, or where they are from hehe. 🙂
BlessingsFebruary 19, 2018 at 6:24 am #193277
You are welcome. You wrote that it is “an amazing thing to be able to make friends whom you have no idea who they are“- who I am is expressed day after day here, lots and lots. You can read more of my massive postings here and learn who I am.
On the other hand, there is so much you don’t know about who your boyfriend in the UK is. You know how he looks like, how he sounds like, how his arms feel around you when he hugs you.. you know his favorite food, his habits, but do you know who he is?
February 19, 2018 at 9:10 pm #193471
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by anita.
Yes i see a lot of your posts here, tid bits here and there about your childhood and things you have gone through, i guess i need to read more to truly know who you are as at the moment i still feel i dont know you well enough to put a trait to you. What i know is that your genuine, straight to the point, a deep thinker, stern but nice and caring. I hope i got some of these right? 🙂
You opened up a very good question here and i really liked it. do we honestly know who people are? Some can say that they do and some people can say that they dont. I have been with my partner for 3 going on 4 years now, i know all those basic surface things. i;e his voice, his touch, his favourite colour, his favourite foods etc..Living with him and trying to get to know him as much as possible, as it isn’t the easiest when people aren’t an open book. I know what makes him happy; When we are out doing things together ( shopping, going for a coffee), when we go to the gym and train together, hes happy when hes a cooking a lovely meal for us, hes happy when he buys me things and cant wait till i come home to try things on, hes happy when i am confident with my self, not only inner confidence but also confident with my body and my face ( which isnt all that often) , hes happy when his son comes round and he see’s us all together as a family, When he decides that he wants to call his parents ( unfortunately not often) he is so happy after that phone call, there is many more. I also know underneath his macho exterior hes kind and caring, ive seen him when he tries to save little birds that have got caught in the green house. or to the little hedgehogs that come into our yard. When i am ill he will come and look after me with such tenderness and kindness. Again under his macho exterior he is also emotional, he suppresses all of these emotions i think also because hes a man and because of his childhood, i have seen him cry a few times regarding us and his son. He does however have a horrible side to him as i think we all do, hes very impatient, likes things his way and only his way, hes controlling, manipulative, jealous and can sometimes be a little insensitive to others needs. Sometimes i feel he would rather hurt someone than get hurt by others again. He carries so much emotional baggage from the past, and i wish he would make that step to sort his head out for his sake and everyone around him. Ive told him to go counselling as its free for him where he works and he wont go.. i just wish there is a way i can show him that its not a bad thing to go and seek help and that it will help him so much in the long run.
Despite humans flaws, we tend to overlook them and try to weigh out the good and bad, and like i know myself when the bad outweigh the good, its time to leave. Seems like ive unpacked and not leaving and i hope my stubbornness will in the end go towards my favour, if not..well i guess i will have learnt a MASSIVE lesson.
BlessingsFebruary 19, 2018 at 10:47 pm #193481AlexParticipant
I have been with my boyfriend 2 1/2 years. This forum has made me realize that I need to work on self love. I depend on him for happiness, compliments,advice. He is everything. Plus I have no friends and (I don’t know why) At the moment we are miles away from one another because we got evicted after me having our babygirl. Sonim living with family and he’s living with a coworker. It’s tough being in two different time zones and I’m left stressed raising our children alone for now. It makes me wonder what if he never comes back. And he kind of sneaking left our lives now. It start lots of arguments over the phone and it’s become just terrible. Can someone give me advice?February 20, 2018 at 5:09 am #193507
A thing that caught my eye in your last post: “when he decides that he wants to call his parents (unfortunately not often)”- if he had the difficult childhood you say he did, then parents as I know it are a huge part of one’s childhood, why do you want him to call them more often, what if it harms him to do so?
Some of what you listed about him is so endearing, saving the birds, the innocent birds caught in the green house. You wrote: “Sometimes I feel he would rather hurt someone than get hurt by others again”-
He knows the birds will not hurt him, have no intention of hurting him, so he feels tenderness for them. With people, including with you, he knows that sometimes you intend to hurt him, some times.
Of course you need to be assertive with him, take care of yourself first, make the relationship a Win for you first and foremost (part of a win-win, for you and for him), but notice this: do-no-harm is possible while being assertive and taking care of yourself. Arguing, fighting, those things are not necessary. Better have no relationship with a person than have one of sometimes-aggression.
anitaFebruary 20, 2018 at 5:11 am #193509
* Dear Alex: if you want other members’ input, will you start your own thread, click FORUMS above and go from there.
anitaFebruary 20, 2018 at 11:11 am #193571
Hi there Anita,
To be honest i am happy with any little information/advice you give to me, im sure at some point i will be writing another post, but since you have been with me from day one i honestly am fine with your advice and help.
Well i think i mentioned it before, he was adopted along with his little sister. He has a lot of issues as he remember tid bits of his biological mother and remembers the foster homes and the neglect and mistreatment he had to go through. He was then adopted and unfortunately even at an early age was expelled for misbehaviour at a couple of schools, so his parents decided to move to their country of origin ( I dont want to disclose this). He got much better and became a straight A student and responsible ( i think) but his parents were very strict to him and his sister,a little bit too strict so they basically didnt have much freedom, his mother told me that she regrets being this strict with them but this is how she felt she could raise them. His parents do try as much as they can with him, but there is only so much you can take when your child is shutting you out constantly. I dont think it harms him, as every time he speaks to them he is so happy, he thanks me for giving him that little push to call them. I believe in family, and i also believe everyone needs to make that effort, unless of course those certain people are nasty and only bring negativity in your life. He needs to make that effort, his parents are old and i just feel that he could make that little bit of extra effort to speak with them as i know how much he loves them. He is the same with his son, his friends, his family ( Aunties, cousins, sister) he just doesnt connect with anyone.
I have never thought about it that way, it seems he shows kindness to things he knows that cant hurt him personally, somewhat like his job, yes it can hurt him physically but its away from reality, its away from people that could potentially hurt him.
Definitely agree with you there, i need to be assertive but keeping the do no harm in mind. He also has to learn this, and i will tell him this too. It truly is amazing, that you read every line and you bring things to light that i would never have thought of 🙂
BlessingsFebruary 20, 2018 at 12:58 pm #193591
Thank you for the blessings message at the end of your posts. Regarding his mother regretting “being this strict” with him, I don’t know what this-strict means. People use the word strict often enough as an acceptable word for unacceptable aggression. If he is indeed happy to be talking to his parents, well… let him be, let him initiate those calls. When a person is happy doing something, they already have the motivation to do it.
I have neighbors, the wife has been pushing her husband to be nice to his mother, sounds… nice, doesn’t it? Except that being nice to his mother keeps him sick. Not a good input by the wife, harming her husband that way.
Being assertive and doing-no-harm is an excellent combination, isn’t it.
anitaMarch 20, 2018 at 8:00 am #198329
Hello there Anita,
Long time no talk, i hope all is well with you.
I don’t know why but i thought i had replied to this post.
In regards to his mother being strict; He and his sister weren’t allowed to go out, no sleepovers and no parties etc which is why my partner rebelled quite a lot.
You are right about if someone wants to do something it means that they already have the motivation to do so, but i dont know i feel something is holding him back and each time he does talk to them hes so happy and kisses me and thanks me for making him call. I dont mean to bring him any harm by talking to his parents, if they didnt get on and they were horrid to him then i wouldnt force him to be nice to them, but they love him very much but its just seems the effort to talk to them has dwindled a lot throughout the years. Since his deployment, hes asked me several times to call them for him and to send them his love as he isnt able to call from his phone, only via whatsapp and they dont have that app. I must admit i was shocked but i was happy that even though he wasnt personally doing it , that he wanted me to send his love. I called them and they were so happy to hear from me, which in turn made me feel good.
Still no answer in regards to application and my anxiety is really kicking in, i am scared that he already knows and isnt telling me. He has however told me that he is coming here in 2 weeks, and i cannot wait for this reunion. However living in limbo right now is awful.
BlessingsMarch 20, 2018 at 8:33 am #198351
Two weeks, an April get together then. A spring get together. I hope it will be a good experience for the two of you. If there is any way for you to prepare to increase the chances that it will be a good get together, probably a good idea to do so.
anitaMarch 20, 2018 at 8:44 am #198353
Yes i am hoping it will be a good experience too my dear.. i need to try and prepare myself in case of the worst, even though i hate the thought of thinking of the worst, if you know what i mean.
BlessingsMarch 20, 2018 at 8:55 am #198367
Prepare for the best and for the worst.. and everything in between..?
What do you mean, your last sentence?