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Update on my never ending stressful relationship

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 105 total)
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  • #191689
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes thats true, i had no idea what he meant, he does this often. He will tell me something doesnt feel right, or you arent your normal self etc,, i dont know if its fishing for something or his past guilty or present conscious coming into play

    Blessings

    #191693
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alexandra:

    That is not a good practice, to guess what your hoped for partner in life is saying, or worse, that he is saying things for the purpose of… trying to confuse? That only adds to the stress of this “never ending stressful relationship”.

    anita

    #191707
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes i know exactly, it just upsets, angers and confuses me. Sometimes like i said i really dont know if he is doing it on purpose or not. I know he is having a rough time over there where he is, but i feel every time he is mean or is abrupt with him i just excuse the behaviour by saying to myself be a little more understanding hes going through a horrible time right now. Part of me though says that he chose to be where he is today and it isnt my fault and i shouldnt be this person he feels he can take it out on all the time. He did however apologise later on in the day when he realised i stood my ground and didnt say sorry.

    Blessings

    #191715
    Mark
    Participant

    Alexandra,

    I believe that for the most part we don’t do or say things “on purpose” but we fall back to automatic and unconscious behavior.  It is one thing if he was conscious about it which in some ways easier to change.

    People’s behavior shows who they are.  I don’t try to change them or expect them to change because it is unconscious.  I just decide whether it is tolerable for me to be around or not.

    Mark

    #191719
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    How do you know though if it is unconscious behaviour or conscious, sorry i am just curious and love to learn. I actually really like what you said.. ”I don’t try to change them or expect them to change because it is unconscious.  I just decide whether it is tolerable for me to be around or not.”

    I am bad for that, not that whomever i meet i want to change them, i have this Mother theresa complex where i want to help people, and if i dont succseed in helping them then i feel like a failure. I have helped all of my ex bfs..i know it must go back to my childhood, but i have always been this way. His behaviour for the past 3 years has been intolerable, but with each day that passes i think that my love and care for him will change him even though i know deep down this isnt so.

    Blessings

    #191723
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Ally,

    I see “automatic” behavior as unconscious, i.e. without being mindful or aware of what I’m doing or saying and where it is coming from (usually from our beliefs or childhood or …).

    Good for you for recognizing your Mother Theresa complex.  I have no real answer for you on that.  That is your unconscious belief system operating.

    So you choose men who are not good for you that needs rescuing?  Is that your pattern?

    Mark

     

    #191743
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hey there Mark,

    Right i get you, yes that seems to make a lot of sense, i do that quite often when i am very upset i say such deep deep things about my childhood to reflect upon how i am as a person today, if that makes sense? I do put my hands up and im not proud of it but i do suffer from emotional tantrums and they are so hard to control, i have been trying though. I will become hurtful and play the victim ( which in my relationships case most of the time i am) and say things such as ”the only man who ever accepted me or loved me was my dad, but hes dead and if i could take his place i would” I guess its still overcoming his death and the fact that he was the only man whom accepted me knowing i wasnt his, he gave me everything, never lied or mistreated me either. When i was going to the councillor she told me when i felt that this emotional tantrum would arise that i should leave the room, breathe and practice mindfulness. That did NOT help lol, when i am in that state of mind it is very hard for me to calm down then and there, i need at least half n hour, i found that going for a walk helped massively and phone on silent. Once ive calmed down i feel so embarrassed for the way i acted and then coming home to someone who doesnt even want to speak to me just makes matters worse. Ive said to him before, all i want is a hug, a touch, a sense of calm and ill be fine ill snap out of it, but i think its too much to ask.

    Yes a very destructive pattern im afraid, every man i have dated has had issues with parents or disabilities, a bit like me. 1st one – Divorced parents, didnt get on with any of them, Dad and mum started a new family and he wasnt involved. 2nd one- His mum left him and his brothers when he was around 8 and never returned, left to be raised by the dad whom he loves but didnt do a very good job. Current bf – Never knew real parents, adopted at 5 and has issues with all his family as he is a closed book.

    I have helped all of my partners go through things mentally, and in turn i am now mentally unstable.. ironic?

    #191745
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    **Not submitted properly

    #191969
    abubin
    Participant

    Dear Soul-searcher,

    Your emotional tantrums is exactly what my GF have. Whenever she is unhappy it will be very extreme. No matter what I say will not stop her tantrums. Sometimes she acted out very unreasonable. But she deny that. She still says I caused it. She did have a bad childhood. Her dad past away when she was young and it cause her to go into depression. She got it treated but I think her emotional tantrums is still lingering. She also did say that whenever she got angry, I just need to leave her alone. That I just need to hug her or touch her to provide her a sense of calm. Problem is, I can’t do it cause we are in long distance relationship.

    Whenever we have disagreement she would be so emotionally unstable that I cannot even explain myself to her. I was afraid that if I keep quiet she will think of the worst. If I explain, she will say I don’t know when to keep quiet. It is true that I should have left her alone? Anyway we are already separated and she wants nothing to do with me. All I did was trying to love her and make her calm by explaining I am not what she think I was.

    #191995
    Mepina
    Participant

    Dear Soul-searcher,

    hello from me as well. At first, let me mention that I didn’t read all these posts, just some, so I may miss something and I am sorry in advance if that is the case.

    Some of my thoughts on what I read:

    “I went back, things weren’t going to bad, but i had continuous nightmares and i was always very very low, understandable i guess, but things were going ok, not brilliant but ok.”

    I think you already understand the paradox of this phrase: if things were ok, you wouldn’t have nightmares, you wouldn’t feel low. Our bodies and our emotions try their best to warn us when something is not going well. We, with our minds and all the wounds and insecurities, we tend to stick to situations and we ignore all the red flags, all the signs.

    He said when he gets back he will propose to me and he wants to start a family with me in my home country but when I try to speak to him about it im faced with negativity!

    Just out of my curiosity: do you REALLY want the whole proposal-marriage-living-for-ever-with-him plan? Just imagine that his application is successful and within some months he moves to your country and you start living together and you get married. Close your eyes and bring yourself to that exact moment: waking up in the morning with him by your side.
    Do you feel happiness and calmness and a feeling that all are right? Is everything fine and you just feel incredibly with this idea? Do you trust and support fully this man lying there next to you? Do you feel you can also depend on him and you are living as a team now, in harmony? Are the depression and the nightmares gone? Are you happy?
    Or that image brings you a kind of anxiety, an agony, a weird feeling of incompleteness like a goal never to be reached or a sense of instability and a burn in your stomach?

    You just have the answer to that, but it would help you understand a lot.

    With kind regards,
    Mepina

    #191999
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Soul-searcher/Alexandra:

    In your recent post to me you wrote that his mean and abrupt communications with you “upsets, angers and confuses me…I feel every time he is mean or is abrupt… I just excuse his behavior by saying to myself be a little be more understanding he’s going through a horrible time right now”-

    When people are mean, it is not because they are happy at the moment. Does this mean that whenever someone is unhappy, they have to act mean?

    anita

    #192911
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Sorry for being MIA for the past week, wanted to take a little break and look after myself for a little bit and keep my mind busy.

    No you are right with what you said to be honest, he has no excuse to be mean no one has, but we have to also understand that peoples circumstances can at the time cause us to be abrupt , i know that when i am a little stressed i can get abrupt, its not that often but i do get that way hence why i feel i have to be understanding. I have tried to teach myself to not dwell on it, dont answer back in anger or irritation ( i dont know how i can hold it in if we are face to face though lol ) i just answer a simple ok, or i say it seems right now its best we dont talk, and we shall speak soon. I leave at that, and it seems to work to remain calm in these situations.

    Blessings

    #192913
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hello Mepina

    Thank you for such a detailed post to me, i appreciate it 🙂 Again sorry for not replying sooner, as i told Anita i just needed to take a break for myself.

    ”i think you already understand the paradox of this phrase: if things were ok, you wouldn’t have nightmares, you wouldn’t feel low. Our bodies and our emotions try their best to warn us when something is not going well. We, with our minds and all the wounds and insecurities, we tend to stick to situations and we ignore all the red flags, all the signs.”

    Yes it was evidently not ok, the time i went back i had no trust in anyone not even in myself, i felt betrayed, i felt sick i just felt awful. I honestly felt like nothing. It was my determination to make things better again that i tried to suppress all those feelings and pretend to be ok. Hence the not sleeping at all, severe depression and the constant nightmares.

     

    ”Just out of my curiosity: do you REALLY want the whole proposal-marriage-living-for-ever-with-him plan? Just imagine that his application is successful and within some months he moves to your country and you start living together and you get married. Close your eyes and bring yourself to that exact moment: waking up in the morning with him by your side.
    Do you feel happiness and calmness and a feeling that all are right? Is everything fine and you just feel incredibly with this idea? Do you trust and support fully this man lying there next to you? Do you feel you can also depend on him and you are living as a team now, in harmony? Are the depression and the nightmares gone? Are you happy?
    Or that image brings you a kind of anxiety, an agony, a weird feeling of incompleteness like a goal never to be reached or a sense of instability and a burn in your stomach?”

    This is the complicated thing Mepina, when things are good between us things cant be anymore beautiful, when a week goes by and we havent fought our days just flow so beautifully. We are kind to one another, we are romantic, we listen to one another. I dont want to sound like im the perfect one in the relationship as i am not, but it seems like he is the one to break that ”normality” and become abrupt when work becomes more stressful or if he has something to do, or when he wants to be on his own and im inconveniently there. It just comes to an abrupt halt, into which i get angry and frustrated and then the fights begin. The answer to your question is yes i can imagine waking up to him in the morning, i can see me married to him. I am scared of course i am of what could happen, and my obvious trust issues can be crippling, but i have always had trust issues. Every man i have been with has cheated on me however pathetic this may sound, do i have to wait for years and years till i find someone that wont cheat? I am not saying im settling because i may not find a man that wont cheat on me, but these trust issues will be with me for most probably the rest of my life. The nightmares have gone, the anger is still somewhat there not as much so, but the sadness is there too but its gotten better. These months apart has made me learn a lot about myself and the need to heal myself. Who knows maybe when we meet again things may all fall apart, but this time when they do i wont be running back to accommodate his feelings and soul, i will be there to help mine.

    Kindest Regards

     

    #192931
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Soul-searcher:

    You can go MIA anytime you need to, here and be back when you choose. Regarding anger and aggression, my input today:

    it is natural to feel anger and we can’t help experiencing any and all the emotions that we experience. It happens automatically and without our choosing. So it is okay for you to feel angry and it is  okay for him to feel angry.

    How we feel shows at times on our face, in our body posture, in the tone of our voice and it shows before we know that it does. It is also not a matter of our choosing. Therefore it is okay to sound angry, to have that tone of voice and be somewhat abrupt.

    But it is not okay to continue on and on to use an angry tone of voice (not once you figure it is being used) and it is not okay to say anything that comes to mind. Once aware of the expression of our anger, choice comes into play.

    anita

    #192965
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Yes i agree, and this is what i have to learn to do, when i figure out what i am doing then i should basically just shutup, as i am crossing the line. He needs to learn how to do this too. I dont know why but the past week its been really good between us, i am not sure if its because all thats left is a month and we will be reunited.

    I am becoming very nervous at the thought.. i dont know why.

    Blessings

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 105 total)

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