January 15, 2018 at 1:52 am #186651ChanelleParticipant
you’re most welcome 🙂
I understand what you’re saying. I’ve been through something quite similar around this time last year. My ex boyfriend treated me so awfully and I just felt that I couldn’t let go of him. We had so many plans for the future. The worse he treated me the more i needed him. Then i finally realised enough was enough. I didn’t deserve it.
Fast forward 7 months, I met who I believe to be the love of my life. He is kind, caring, puts my thoughts and how things make me feel before himself and loves me back just as much as I love him – exactly how it should be. We’ve built even better future plans than the ones I had before!
I know you feel that it is a waste of three years, but imagine doing this day in day out for the rest of your life…that would truly be a waste. Consider this a learning curve, you’ve experienced this person, both the good and bad but its not for you. Now you know that you wont let anyone else treat you in this way.
Love yourself enough to let go
xJanuary 15, 2018 at 5:30 am #186657
“my good friend”, I like that.
“He always makes me feel like I am in the wrong” is keeping you motivated to … un-wrong yourself. To become right, in his mind. As if he was authority over right and wrong.
Toward the end of your recent post you wrote: “With his manipulative ways he will try and make me feel guilty for the way I acted and in the end I will apologize like I always do”-
I think that I understand better your motivation to be with him: you are waiting for him to remove the “wrong” stamp that is imprinted on you. To make you … right.
You may not be motivated to be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t think of you as wrong and doesn’t let you know that you are wrong, in his mind. That is because if the man doesn’t see what you already believe, that is, that you are wrong, how is he going to fix it?
So here is the fit: you believe you are wrong and so does he. The solution is with him then, to un-wrong you.
You wrote that you are seeing more of what life could be without him. Life without him and without your belief in your wrongness could be one of … freedom from that distressing false core belief.
Imagine Alexandra being right to start with. And then start living a different kind of life.
January 16, 2018 at 5:43 am #186985
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anita.
Hey there Chanelle,
I am so happy that you have found the right man for you and that you are finally happy, like you said we deserve to be happy.
I am sure that i will find the strength to be able to let go of all the toxic and negative people in my life.
BlessingsJanuary 16, 2018 at 7:14 am #187005
Hello again Anita,
I feel sometimes like i want to be the better person, the one that is right and that is always the good person , i want people to think i am a good person, hence why i do so much for everyone even when i am upset. I seek approval from everyone and this is where my past comes into light, what you opened my eyes to.
The solution you say is to Un-wrong me..are you saying to start thinking more positively about certain situations and not think that i am wrong all the time and i have the need to want to prove myself right and to stop saying sorry when i know i wasnt in the wrong..? Sorry my head is a little all over the place today.
Sorry Anita, yet again another conflict has arisen but this time not with him but with my sister. I hope you dont mind me telling you this, but id rather tell you because when you tell people you know they side with you and when its another family member its even worse.
I started watching a film with my mum last night called ‘Awakenings” a true story on a man who was in a neurological coma for 30 years and woke up, throughout the movie she kept saying oh this is so boring and why is it so slow, but ‘me and mum were really enjoying it, i dont like comedies and chick flicks as such, so i was watching something i enjoy. At one point i started crying as it was a very happy scene ( When he awoke from his coma and saw his mother for the first time in 30 years) and she replied very sarcastically saying oh my god are you really crying? You are unbeleivable! To which my reply was i dont know how anyone could not cry at a scene like this, and i called her a cold hearted cow and i laughed, i did not mean this in a serious way and she knows me and my sense of humour. We then pressed pause as mum wanted a cup of tea and my sister proceeded to say people that suffer from what you suffer shouldnt watch films like this, you are damaging yourself, people with a psychological imbalance shouldnt watch these films or read books that have distressing scenes to which i replied, these are the films that interest me most, true stories, documentaries etc, i educate myself very differently to what she does, not that she does any reading as she is too busy doing her hair and nails. I told her to please stop i dont want to hear anymore, yet she kept going on and on and then proceeded to say i have a short temper especially with her daughter whos my God daughter. She is very spoilt, is very rarely told off, the day cannot happen unless the little one tells them what to do and where to go , but i am no mother and i cannot judge someone elses parenting, it is NOT my place, but each time i try to have a conversation’or anyone tries to start a conversation she interrupts, she talks over, or shouts our names on and on till we answer, they let her and i dont. I dont shout at her, i tell her hunny please one second i am talking, or we are talking, maybe i do say it abruptly but it really aggravates me. She made it out like i was going to be a really bad mother. I dont see my mistake but i did tell her that i apologize if i hurt her by talking abruptly to her daughter, but she was so wrong in saying the things she did, she flew into a blind rage and started screaming at me that i am f***ked up and thats the reason why i have no friends etc.. today i feel awful. I know my sister and she will do everything in her power to make me look like the one thats in the wrong, including her husband ( Whom i have great respect and admiration for) and the rest of her friends. I thought i was slowly getting better, and now i feel like shes taken me 20 steps back ! why does this all happen to me, its like i ask for it !
BlessingsJanuary 16, 2018 at 7:56 am #187011
First, regarding your sister: what you described is a series of aggressive attacks on her part against you, nothing less. And your counter attack responses. Reads like she is starting those and you are responding. Reads like she has a deep seated anger at you and is lashing out at you repeatedly. And reads like, you are a convenient target for her anger, anger she has at someone else but is afraid to express her anger to that person.
Within your family, then, you have been given the role of the Wrong One. Tell me more about it, will you?
anitaJanuary 16, 2018 at 8:09 am #187015
My dear dear friend Anita,
Thank you for always being here at my rescue, i honestly feel like i have made a beautiful friend and i bet we live thousands and thousands of miles away from one another.
My sister is very jealous, she is the one that had to look after me when my mm abandoned me. She always says to mum that i am the favorite daughter, and i also think it stems from the fact her dad ( My step dad treated me so well, probably even better than he did his own daughter for some bizzare reason) shes never failed to remind me that he is not my father. No matter what i say it is always wrong, and she is very opinionated, but i know all i can do is just back down otherwise i get very very angry and we will probably end up not talking again.
I remember this subject came up with my Councillor once, on why i feel like i am the wrong one all the time and having to seek attention all the time, is basically what you told me. I didnt receive the love i needed as a child, i wanted approval from my sisters as i had a different dad and felt different and not wanted, i wanted approval from my biological father, from my step father, from my friends who had normal families and fathers whom were at home with their mothers.. i feel the same today, i want approval. Even when she came over to the house today as she had to because her house is having some work done, she pretended like nothing happened, and i being overly nice..not in a fake way but just to make her know that i love her. I sometimes feel disgusted in myself that i am that way, she hurt me deliberately and she didnt even apologize, so why again do i want and need forgiveness for something i have NOT done??
BlessingsJanuary 16, 2018 at 11:49 pm #187147
Did you receive my last reply? Doesnt seem to show that i have submitted anything ?
BlessingsJanuary 17, 2018 at 4:42 am #187171
I wasn’t aware that you posted a response to my last post to you here until a moment ago. Your post before last probably didn’t reflect on the Topic page.
* Thank you for your other thread, the one with my name in capital letters, nice to be acknowledged like that and I do appreciate you initiating it, that is kind, thoughtful of you. I like your last post there. To clarify what I meant by being here to help myself and learning: being here has and is helping me to heal from my unfortunate childhood and a lifetime of dysfunction. Learning and healing are the same, in this context.
Back to the topic of your thread here: I am glad you consider me your friend and indeed, I am here for you. Anytime you post and I am at the computer and I am aware that indeed you posted, I will reply.
Regarding your aggressive, abusive sister: you owe it to yourself to end contact with any person, family or not, who is aggressive and abusive to you. This is your job and your primary responsibility to yourself. It doesn’t matter her reasons (there are always reasons) for her aggression. It doesn’t matter that her aggression is verbal and that she doesn’t beat you up physically. We humans don’t function well with aggression in our lives, it is not congruent with healing.
Is terminating contact with her something you considered before or something that you are interested in considering?
anitaJanuary 17, 2018 at 10:21 pm #187343
Good Morning from me Anita.
It was strange actually because when i posted it, even though i could see my post it didnt show up that i had posted anything on topics, never mind you have seen it now, hopefully it doesnt happen again 🙂
Thank you yet again for your reply, and you are more than welcome in regards to the post, i whole heartedly meant every word. Sometimes people should know how much they do for others with gentle reminders, and since you have helped me out time and time again i felt the need to say thank you to you and for others to voice their little reminders to others who have also helped them.
I am sorry to hear about your childhood, its sad to think how many of us go through such tragic childhoods, but i always like to think that i am quite a strong person for not letting my troubles lead me onto the wrong path as i had many opportunities to.
It is very difficult to end contact with her as i am the God mother of her child, and here in my country being a God mother is quite a special thing, if god forbid anything should happen to the baby i will be her guardian. To be honest when i was living here i never saw much of her as i lived further away from both sisters and mother, i always liked the countryside and they love the city, my sister suffers from panic attacks and doesn’t like driving, i lived 20 minutes away ( not far) and never visited me. We are close in a very peculiar way, i just cannot spend too much time with her as she gets very tiring, i feel my energy gets sucked out of me, she is also a Gemini and i dont get on with Geminis lol.
Since coming here shes been round here every day ( To my mothers) i dont know whether it could be jealousy as to not take mum away from her, i really dont know. When i wasnt here, she never visited mum once saying that her daughter always got bored here so there was no point, yet now she comes to the house every single day. I said after the fight i will keep my distance, a good distance and not interact or dwell in her meaningless gossip or take things she says to me to heart like i normally do.
In a way it is cutting contact, but not permanently.
what do you think Anita ?
xJanuary 18, 2018 at 5:03 am #187347
Good morning to you too.
Your sister keeps drilling into you the message that you are in the wrong, that you are psychologically not balanced, I think is the term she used, telling you that you are wrong to cry when watching Awakening (one of my favorite movies of all times, by the way), that you are wrong… wrong, wrong. In the last part of your recent post you suggested a solution, an alternative to my suggested no contact with her. Your suggested solution is to not take what she tells you to heart (“not… take things she says to me to heart like I normally do”)
I think that it is too late for that: what she says, the message that you are in the wrong, is something already in your heart, well established. It is a core belief that is guiding your life and has been guiding your life for many years.
Will you do this little exercise and let me know how it goes for you: close your eyes, when calm, and imagine your sister looking at you with a smile, with loving eyes, approving of you, telling you that she likes who you are, that you are okay in her book. See her smiling at you with approving eyes.
How does it make you feel, this imagery?
anitaJanuary 18, 2018 at 11:50 am #187437
Hello there Anita,
Sorry for the delay, work was a little chaotic and we have had storms all day today , one thing i adore, i love watching the rain and hearing the thunderstorms.
I only just managed to finish it, and what a beautiful feel with so much meaning, sadness and joy all at the same time, i am glad we think alike.
Yes, it is a core belief that is guiding my life and one that has crippled me. Maybe this is where it all stems from, as she is the only sister out of the two that i get on with and living with her etc, i think i sort of looked up to her, to be honest i cannot remember if i did. What i do know is that whatever i do or whatever i say is always brought down by her strong opinions of what she thinks is right and me also being somewhat opinionated will always defend myself, but in the end i always back down as i cannot take the anxiety she brings on.
I did the little exercise you asked and i felt very good, very proud and i will say the word that is always a part of me.. i felt ”wanted”
xJanuary 18, 2018 at 12:19 pm #187451
** Didn’t submit properlyJanuary 19, 2018 at 8:27 am #187581
I like watching storms too. You wrote that you looked/ look up to your sister: not a good idea. Because as you look up to her, she is looking down at you.
You shared basically in your recent post, that she attacks you with the message that you are wrong, you defend yourself and then back down. You back down so to reduce your anxiety.
Would be nice if you would experience An Awakening from this dynamic, wouldn’t it? It is a sort of a habit, this dynamic.
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 10:34 am #187745
Yes you are right, i now see it from the perspective you are trying to make me see. It makes sense to be honest, the more i look up to her as she knows this is what i do, the more she continues to look down on me.
I have seen her a couple more times since the fight, i have been acting neutral towards her and have been acting more like me rather than trying too hard to make her know she is being listened to etc.. if this makes sense?
xJanuary 21, 2018 at 8:22 am #187877
Yes, it does make sense that you stop trying “to make her know she is being listened to etc.”- she doesn’t need more attention from her submissive sister. She had that for many years. She doesn’t lack your listening ear.
In context of the relationship with you, she has the need, I suppose, to continue to dominate you, to look down at you, to pronounce you wrong. Time for you to no longer satisfy this need of hers. It doesn’t do good for her either, by the way.
Time to not submit. This does make a lot of sense to me.