Dear Derek:

No so strange, your mind, or brain, that is. It operates like brains do.

What you wrote about your partner holding your hand and caressing your face and you feeling safe as a result, this is it. There is nothing more valuable in a relationship than to feel safe with one’s partner.

I will repeat it and suggest you do to, later on: there is absolutely nothing more valuable in a relationship than to feel safe, on an ongoing basis, with one’s partner.

You will continue to be anxious, while in the relationship, because your anxiety predated the relationship, and you will keep focusing on education and income and other things, but those things will not bring you the safety you need so desperately.

There is no objective safety, for anyone, including the most educated and most wealthy. After all… no one can escape death and the wealthiest do get sick. Some anxiety I suppose is understandable, it being that as humans we are the only animals knowing we can get sick at any time and that we will definitely die.

Safety for animals and for humans is a relative concept- safer, would be a better word, more accurate than safe. There is nothing more powerful for that safer feeling than a parent being non-aggressive and often loving to a child, consistently. Since you can’t redo your childhood, the next good thing is having a safe partner, one who is consistently not aggressive and often loving.

Did I mention that there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important, more valuable in a partner than him being a safe person for you?

anita