Hello,

This all sounds very reasonable.  I like how you wrote “pursing and accommodating every potential friend.” When it is written in this way it outlines the (almost) absurdity of that “job.” It outlines how out of proportional of normal that is, how intangible, and how lofty of a “fake goal” that is.  The visual that comes to find is: someone going on a walk and kicking every rock they come across, and then being asked when they returned if they enjoyed their walk.  Well how could they enjoy the journey, they made it their job to accommodate an action every step along the way.

Or being at a fair and being told they have to shake hands with every person their age.  Then going home and being asked: did you enjoy the fair? It would be like, what fair? I was doing my “job” of pursuing every potential friend.

Seeing this from the outside looks to me as absurd and delusional.  And yes it is! I am glad to see it this way, and I hope I can bring myself back to this feeling and visual when in the future I do give myself pressure for having that “job.” I am sure you can remind me too!

I was taught my whole life that life is a series of doing, feeling, and acting.  I realize it is not always about action.  Life is also sitting back and observing, enjoying, and just being.  As we all know, just being is the hardest part!