Dear Derek:

I think you are doing very well considering the difficult and very slow process of repeatedly paying attention to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, re-evaluating and fitting these to reality. Keep at it.

Regarding holding hands, you wish he would be okay with it, and you feel like holding hands when affectionate. I understand it. But he is afraid of people seeing that and then hurting him and you. He can’t help it and unfortunately, sometimes this happens, as there is such a thing as homophobia.

This behavior, although in itself not negative, in this context, with your partner in public needs to be changed. So to not cause him distress.

Different stressors in day to day life will continue to happen. See to it that you take breaks during the day to distress, to find comfort or release of stress, such as in taking walks, exercising and such.

I admire that you talked to a man on the metro about him behaving aggressively to his wife. My hat is off to you. But be careful, do so in such a way as to minimize the risk involved (for example, making sure there are people around, so the man is less likely to act aggressively toward you).

Looking forward to more of your thoughts/ another update.

anita