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In a weird space right now

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • #200115
    crystal
    Participant

    Hello everyone, my name is Crystal. I’m 19 years old, currently a student, doing an internationally recognised Chartered Accountancy course, which is pretty demanding.  Ever since I could remember, I have always been a go-getter and I have always remained at the top of my studies and it has been my sole focus. I confess that despite being approached by many boys, I never had a love life because of silly reasons such as having trust issues after seeing other people, having impossibly high standards and an unwillingness to accept any sort of feelings for fear of being left with a broken heart. I’m not exactly the kind of person people deem emotional and yet secretly I’m a very sensitive person. I have, on many occasions, been called Ice Queen (by the people whom I’ve rejected) due to my ability to burn a bridge and never look back.

    Most of the people I have encountered till date, have given me plenty of reason to feel blessed that I don’t have an abundance of romantic feelings in me. Over a period of time I learnt to shut myself in and bottle up my feelings of being sad or feeling lonely or whatever they are at the time. That’s just how I cope with everything, bottle it up long enough till it becomes insignificant, which it does – with time. Any time if I am approached by a guy I tend to just shut them out or not reciprocate in any manner because that’s just who I am and I’m not in a zone where I need anyone other than my family or I don’t want to be “with” someone because that’s the trend or I look like the odd person because I’m not with a guy. I’m secure about myself that way.

    I feel that at this moment, concentrating on my academics takes priority. However, after effectively cutting out all the people who may be romantically inclined towards me and achieving the perfect life that I want – without hindrances or distractions, I feel a little lonely at times. I think its taking a toll on my self-esteem in a weird way. I find myself feeling low at times and maybe a little envious of people in relationships and of all the love and attention they get from their significant other. This is not a feeling that visits me often but it has increased in frequency. I’m love myself a little less and I’m getting a little extra self critical about my attributes. My family is amazing and very supportive of me, I have great friends, and yet I feel a little incomplete.

    The other day my a friend of mine (technically in the friend-zone) told me that I have a heart that’s very strong, so comparable to cement that it doesn’t know how to beat. I understand he just said that because his ego is probably hurt because of the fact that his feelings towards me weren’t reciprocated from my side, but it had me thinking. And over a period of time I realised that I do live a thoroughly mechanical and slightly boring life. All this has left me a little rattled and I think its stealing away my happiness and confidence.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this rant of mine and any words of advice will be highly appreciated 🙂

    #200121
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    To understand better I ask:

    Can you describe an open, honest, close relationship that you do have, with a friend or a family member?

    anita

     

    #200127
    crystal
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I would describe my relationship with my sister as an open, honest and close relationship wherein she knows everything that’s going on in my life. We crack jokes together, we play silly games together because they are fun and we also have serious discussions when either one of us needs the other ones opinion. When she vents, I’m always a patient listener and she’s the same way with me. I share a similar relation with my best friend and a handful of close friends.

    #200131
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    It reads to me that you shut down then only in the context of possible relationships with men (“Any time I am approached by a guy I tend to just shut them out”).

    You wrote: “I never had a love life because of silly reasons such as having trust issues after seeing other people”-

    is it true then that your trust issues are based not on your relationship with your mother, or your father, or your siblings, of friends, or men (because you didn’t have the latter), but instead your trust issues are based on observing other people’s failed relationships?

    If so, whose failed relationship did you observe, and which one affected you the strongest?

    anita

    #200133
    crystal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are correct in your assessment of this case. But I’ve gained my trust issues from a few backstabbing erstwhile friends as well. Many people whom I blindly trusted went ahead and betrayed me. It was all high school drama so I got over it pretty soon but these things did have an impact. One after another these so called friends kept revealing their true colours. I had quite a few experiences with such people. Over a period of time I realised that most people are only loyal when they require help or think that you may be of assistance to them in the future. It could be that my choice of friends was probably wrong for some time. I would open up emotionally pretty soon, until I learnt not to. Then practicality took over me which taught me to trust no one but myself. I distanced myself from drama creators and saw the visible difference. Later, I was fortunate enough to find a few others like me.

    I’ve seen my sister’s previous relationship fail and a close friend of mines too, who went into depression after that. All of my past experiences and seeing my sister’s and friend’s relationships fail contributed hugely to how I feel now. So overall, I do mostly shut down when it comes to men but also when it comes to selecting friends. Basically any relation where I would be vulnerable, makes me sceptical. But now that I have sorted out the friends issue by limiting the people I open up to, it’s not an issue anymore. That’s how I went from school popular girl to the selectively-associates-with-people girl. It doesn’t bother me if I don’t have a bunch of friends anymore. I have quality people in my life.

     

    #200139
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    You wrote in your recent post that you are “fortunate enough to find a few others like (you)”, trustworthy, that is. And you are now “selectively-associated-with-people girl”- excellent, wise.

    In your original post you wrote: “I do live a thoroughly mechanical and slightly boring life… its stealing away my happiness and confidence”-

    you have good relationships with family members and a few friends you trust, so the mechanical and boring life has to do with not having a man in your life?

    If so, can you not be a selectively-associated-with-men girl, getting to know a few men and selecting a trustworthy man?

    anita

     

    #200201
    crystal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, I do have good relations with family and friends. But I’m unable to spend a lot of time with them as I’m always busy with my studies. My best friend is pursuing her engineering so she stays busy too and we don’t meet up regularly. Texting was never our thing so that doesn’t work well. My other friends are busy with their lives as well, just like how I am. Everything pretty much revolves around my studies in my life and that’s what makes it boring.

    Yes, sometimes I feel the absence of having a man in my life. The worst part is that when anyone tries to enter my life I don’t entertain it. This is where the “impossibly high standards” come in. I don’t judge people by their looks or other exterior aspects and those aren’t the standards that aren’t being met. It’s all just shallow men talking shallow things and that I find irritating.

    As you said, being a selectively-associates-with-men girl is hard for me because now most of the men around me are intimidated by me and that’s exactly the kind of men I don’t want to be around. And I don’t want to find other men to associate with because I fear that they will again think I’m looking to be more than friends and even though I tell them repeatedly that I’m not, they will insist and it all takes an ugly turn (its happened before a couple of times).

    The problem, I think is, I’m not open to trusting anyone new but sometimes I get envious of the people who are. And this in some unexplainable way is affecting my self confidence and making me more critical about some factors of myself. I know it is all very weird so thanks for taking the time to reply to it 🙂

    #200221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    In June 2013 (before I knew of and was a member in this website), you started a thread here.

    You were then in the tenth grade. You wrote there that “everybody wanted (you) to live up to all those expectations” and you worked very hard to meet their expectations by becoming a “headgirl” in school. Your friends at the time complained that you didn’t have enough time for them.

    You wrote: “Even after getting good marks I’m not at all satisfied and I’ve stopped feeling happy. I just feel numb and hollow from the inside. When I smile now days it’s just a formality, it’s not (because) I’m happy… this feeling is killing me.”

    Almost five years later, here on this thread, you wrote: “I have, on many occasions, been called Ice Queen” and you wrote: “The other day a friend of mine.. told me that I have a heart that’s very strong, so comparable to cement that it doesn’t know how to beat”

    Reads to me that the “numb and hollow from the inside”,  brought about the Ice Queen and heart of cement images of you in others’ minds, and that it has been going on for almost five years, probably longer.

    This numbness may very well have to do with “all those expectations” placed on you… by your parents?

    anita

    #200247
    crystal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I recall those times with a slight smile on my face now. There were enormous responsibilities placed on me but not by my parents. They didn’t want me to stand for the post at all because they thought I was too “innocent” for all the politics. The pressure on me was placed by my teachers and also by myself. It was a private school and the principal was a family friend so that’s why I felt pressured. I wanted the superiority of the post as much as I wanted to prove that I’m as good as my sister. As it happens, I was indeed made the head-girl and I think I did a good job. While I was shaping my leadership skills I also realised that when I’m busy being the best, nobody can hurt me. And yes, I would definitely say that those experiences had a powerful impact in shaping my personality. But I still had trusted a few so called friends after that. Once they broke my trust I completely stopped expecting anyone to be trustworthy.

    That hollow feeling comes and goes. I think it’s because I’m not doing all the fun stuff that teens are expected to do and sometimes that bothers me. This happens only about 20% of the time now. 80% of the time I’m content being single and being the way I am. But even this 20% is affecting me somehow. For instance, where first if I would have a zit I’d not bother about it because I would think that I have nobody to impress and a zit can’t make me feel bad. But now I stress about it and end up applying makeup over it before I leave my house.

    The Ice Queen thing is definitely a resonance of the hollow thing. But it’s deliberate in some way whereas the hollow feeling wasn’t. I trained myself, over time, such that I don’t get too attached to anyone hence not giving them the power to influence my feelings. I thought it made me a strong person. I didn’t consider its cons.
    As far as the not being happy after achieving any goal, that still exists. Even today, after any achievement, my first thought is ‘what next’. I don’t take the time to celebrate it. I don’t know why. At times I am too hard on myself and I realise that. But I am unable to stop. Instead of peace, I experience boredom. There’s some interior feeling within me that just doesn’t let me want to stop and take a minute. I’m always thinking about something or the other or analysing some part of my curriculum, things like that.

    I think the role models we choose for ourselves reveal a lot about our inner character. All my role models have been ambitious, heartless and powerful (for the better part, fictional) people who weren’t affected by any sort of emotional turbulence. Over time I focused on making myself like them and now here I am.

    #200251
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    You wrote about your parents: “They didn’t want me to stand for the post (headgirl) at all because they thought I was too ‘innocent’ for all the politics”- what do you think they meant by innocent?

    And did they think the same regarding your sister, who was a headgirl before you (as I remember from your earlier post). Did they think she too was too innocent?

    anita

     

    #200255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #200259
    crystal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My parents thought I lacked the emotional maturity to balance between the two worlds of school responsibilities and being my happy-go-lucky self at home. In my opinion, they were concerned because they knew I was a very sensitive person and even the smallest things end up hurting me.

    And no, they didn’t have these concerns about my sister. From the beginning she was a balanced individual and never brought home the woes of school. She knew how to deal with all the problematic issues whereas I had to learn.

    #200263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    Did you feel inferior to your sister, wishing you were like her, “a balanced individual”, and not “a very sensitive person”?

    anita

    #200275
    crystal
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel that the word inferior is very strong for what I felt. I certainly looked up to her and admired the way she handled things, still do actually.

    #200285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear crystal:

    Admiring your older sister, wanting to be more like her, from being motivated to be headgirl in school because she was, following her footsteps then, to trying to be less sensitive, more balanced, like her?

    anita

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