Dear Anita,

Happy April.  I am not one that is into new year’s resolutions, fad diets, etc.  However, I have felt compelled to take this month to really detoxify, and sink in.  Take the month of April to not only let go of what no longer serves me, but take a good, cold, hard look at the habits that have been pushing me through for all these years – pushing…not living.  A big difference.

I feel compelled to take away distraction (whether that be physical or mental – more on that below), and observe what arises as a result.  Like taking off makeup, and looking at your bare face daily – you and the rest of the world, how do you feel? Like stopping pain killers, and feeling the true pain, and seeing what happens as a result to your physical and mental well-being.Like taking a walk without your phone or someone to speak to, and see what thoughts come to mind.  Deconstruct and observe.

I have returned from California, what a tiring trip. From the sheer hours of getting there, interviewing, travel, putting your best foot forward. To the weekend where my sister and I both endured stress. To the mental stress of wondering whether these job opportunities are appropriate, and if moving is an appropriate decision.  Some of this is what my husband and I call “normal” stress. Some of it is “pathological” given that it stems from my family issues and trauma/anxiety – simply put – my mother. It no longer matters what is from my mother, and what is not. In fact, as you have told my sister and I many times, the mother voice perseveres above all (especially if we let it, or don’t know any better).

I now feel myself going to another phase of this healing.  The first was the aftershock of the decision I made, and letting that sink in, feeling comfortable with it. I do. I no longer even reference that in my brain daily, it is almost like a distant story. What is left now, is me, and my life. The reality.

The reality is that I suffer. I suffer not only because of the daily life stressors, no, those are the current hurdles that I am capable of jumping over. I suffer because of the whirlwhind that has hit me over the last year, and more. I don’t live, I push through.  I push and push myself to superhuman limits.  I do not know what simple living is, well because, how could just simply living be ENOUGH? oh but it is enough…if it brings peace and happiness…it is enough — only now it will be how to arrive there after the years and lifetime of distress.

My husband and I spoke this weekend about how we feel about our friend’s wedding next year.  He opened up about how it makes him sad and frustrated getting the emails from his friend, about becoming a groomsman, the plans that they will have, and all the fun and joy that go with it.  He mentioned how it’s not about the wedding, but how they (bride and groom friends) are able to feel true joy. Unlike us, where the whole process caused so much torture and pain. To the point that we felt we ourselves were going through a deep depression, that we were inching towards the finish line of a terrible marathon, broken, injured, and defeated.  What a tragedy. What a difference. Now this is not to compare to a particular person, it is overall. No two young people about to get married deserve such treatment. This was his point. We thought about how we weren’t able to sink and savor any of it.  Ever since prior to the proposal to after the wedding it is all tainted. Not because of something small, but because my mother single handedly murdered all of it. For lack of a better term – I visualize a nice scene such as a couple walking together, or a wedding ceremony, and seeing my mother with her knife ripping it all to shreds.  This is what she did. Whether it is a 500 person wedding, whether it is one culture or the other, none of it matters. This is what she did, and this is wrong. This is so terribly wrong, and I feel the pain of it now…well to a point. I can’t say I truly feel the pain of it because it is more like fleeting thoughts that come and go, it doesn’t really sit with me ever.

When it was all going on –  I was unable to feel pain. Such as a slave carrying tons of stone across this long journey. He feels distress while doing this sure. But only after 10 years of this long journey does he see the negative impact it has had on his mind and body. And that too – will take time to sink in — such as it is for me.  The slave journey is over, what is left is piecing everything back together for some possible peace.  this is the beginning of that journey.

I am glad my husband opened up about that.  It also showed me, that no, it is not okay. I find myself saying outloud to myself and to him, well it doesn’t matter the wedding is over, and we still managed to have some fun.  No, this is not true, it does matter. Not because I would like to cling to the past – but because the poor treatment, such as the slave above, has created such deep wounds. Of course these are far reaching beyond the wedding, and the last few years have been the worst.  Although this has been a life time for me (dating back to childhood as you know from all of our talks) – the last few years have involved my husband. When I write this or think about it, I feel like I almost am at the verge of tears, but they are stuck. They are blocked. I hope in time they can release.

Prior to the proposal my parents called my husband and also his parents almost everyday throwing a tantrum and even cursing them.  Looking back the fact that I ever thought this was normal and just what “Indian parents do” is horrifying. I see now how much abuse I endured in the facade of thinking it was okay.  I see now how much abuse my poor husband has endured. This is just skimming it.  We are in a place now that we are so so utterly burnt out.  Burn out isn’t even the right term – there is no term for it.  It encompasses: severe fatigue, emotional exhaustion, trauma, sadness, anxiety, and often even hopelessness.  This sounds like a TV ad for depression doesn’t it! Well in a way I am glad to feel some of these feelings. I would rather them slowly start to come up so they can be dealt with and healed over time, versus bottled in as they were forever.  Like you said, this here is the real work. It is all starting to slowly come out, the heaviness of it all I am dealing with.  I am allowing for healthy habits, and I am minimizing distractions for my own wellness.

I know I will be writing more here as this part two of the journey begins.  It may not always sound straightforward, as a lot of these thoughts are jumbled in my own mind.  However, I am glad to get them out, and of course, as always, hear your insight.