Dear Kara:

I think the following may be the reason you don’t feel love for him like before:

You feel guilty for having hurt a kind man with a heart of gold. And you are afraid to hurt him even more. (“I can’t hurt him again it’s just so horrible that I could do that to him… He so kind and an absolute heart of gold”)

Guilt and fear kill the feeling of love.

I hope to read more of your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Kara:

You met this man after your marriage broke up. You had kids then and freshly out of a marriage, correct? It may be that this relationship fit you at that time of transition, something or someone to hold on to while experiencing distressing changes in your life.

Maybe when you broke up with him, you really were over that relationship, not needing him anymore. Only he still needed you.

“He is so kind and an absolute heart of gold”- but is he kind enough to let you go when you no longer need him or want him? Or is he willing to pressure you- with … kindness- to be with him knowing you are suffering for it?

You wrote that after you got back with him “He could now sleep again and function properly he was the happiest man again like before”- were these your observations alone, or did he tell you these things? If he told you these things, then he put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, clearly communicating to you that if you leave him again, he will not sleep, he will not function properly and he will be heartbroken again.

And wouldn’t that be cruel to do to a kind man with a heart of gold?

You wrote that “he wants nothing but happiness for me”- is it true?

You wrote: “I can’t hurt him again it’s just  so horrible that I could do that to him”- trapped in guilt, you are, aren’t you?

I figure he prefers you would be happy with him than not. But if you are not happy with him, he prefers that you stay with him anyway.

In your recent post you wrote: “I most certainly feel guilty… he constantly talks of how.. he cannot live without me… I feel so much pressure”, so if you leave him, he will not only not sleep, not function properly, be sad and broken hearted, but he will also die?

You wrote: “Most people would love to have someone love them that much”- I can’t think of a single person who would love to have someone pressuring them, trapping them in guilt, holding them hostage.

Regarding the age difference, it’s a personal preference. It bothers you, so it bothers you. You feel what you feel.

You wrote, “He says I focus on the negatives when it comes to him and I should focus on his positives”-

You are the one to decide what is a positive and what is a negative. His very many expressions love for you seem positive on the surface, but if those expressions are intended to keep you with him happy or not, then they are dishonestly manipulative, guilt-tripping you, trapping you in guilt, holding you hostage.

If you agree, can you possibly be happy with him?

anita

Dear Kara:

You wrote, “many times he says don’t be with me if you feel sorry for me”- so he knows you do and yet he keeps telling you “how he couldn’t sleep eat or function”-

He tells you to not be with him if you feel sorry for him and then proceeds to encourage you to feel sorry for him, and he does so many times.

When he says: don’t be with me if you feel sorry for me, it may mean: feel sorry for me more because I am so nice that … I don’t want you to stay with me for that reason.

anita

Dear Kara:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “when I’m unsure of my feelings I look for others to tell me what to do”- let’s look at how and why you are unsure about your feelings.

You wrote: “I’m physically more attracted to men my age. I know that’s very shallow”- you feel attracted to men your age, this is your feeling. In the second sentence there is your judgment about your feeling: shallow.

Feelings are never unacceptable. They are neither good or bad and we are not good or bad people, deep or shallow for what we feel.

Only our actions are a matter of choice and we are good or bad, deep or shallow, perhaps, for what we do, not for how we feel.

Your attraction to men your age, is like I wrote earlier, a matter of personal preference, there is nothing shallow or deep about this preference. A woman who is attracted to older men is not deeper than a woman who is not.

The value in feelings is in the information they provide us, and to live better lives, we better figure out that information.

When people give you their input, their advice, a portion of their advice is based on their feelings, their experiences and that needs to be taken into consideration. The decisions you make need to be based on your feelings and your experience because it is, of course, your life. Others’ input can be helpful if you figure what in it is the other person’s experience.

You wrote: “When talking to my friend she said to give it a chance give it a go”- your friend may be so charmed by this man’s attention to you that she believes it is true love. Maybe her experience is with men who does not pay enough attention to her, and her response to you is out of that lack.

You wrote: “Mum is against this relationship re age gap”- maybe your mother’s experience is that she hates her own aging and aging bothers her. Maybe her response is out of that dislike of aging.

Both advice are of value. But notice: your friend, being motivated from the lack I mentioned as a possibility, may be blind to the alarming suicidal threats by your boyfriend, missing that point somehow. Maybe your mother is focused on aging and is missing this very point as well.

Your boyfriend, “He said I’m always 100% influenced by everyone else maybe I am”- well, you are very influenced, although I don’t think it is 100%, but you have been. Notice: he is trying to influence you as well, to take advantage of this weakness of yours.

In the first two years of the relationship you “felt completely my self and secure”- I don’t think it is possible anymore because of his may expressions of his misery when you broke up with him, culminating in the most extreme: suicidal threats. You wrote: “(he) says he cannot live without me…Last time he got very dark and had suicidal threats to me where I involved police”

I personally don’t see how you can feel yourself, and feel secure again after these developments. I say so because I cannot see myself being relaxed enough with him to be myself nor do I see myself feeling secure.

This is an opportunity for me to evaluate my input right here, that I don’t think that you will be able to feel comfortable and secure enough to be yourself after these developments because I won’t. Is my projection here an accurate one (true to you), or is it inaccurate (not true to you, that is, you can feel secure with a man who tells you he can’t live without you and has threatened suicide before)?

* I have more input, but this post is getting too long and I would like your response to what I wrote so far.

anita

Dear Kara:

“about feelings, im allowed them!”, you wrote. Yes, you are. There is nothing more fundamental than our right to have our feelings.

You wrote: “he thought… I wasn’t true to myself”- I think that his overriding, dominant concern is you being with him, not you being true to yourself.

You wrote: “he understands and is very embarrassed and regrets the way he acted after the breakup”- if this is true then he will not act the same way, or in a similar way if and when you break up with him again, correct?

“he says he’s working on himself”. Did you ask him how he is working on himself? (if he has enough money to buy you a house, I hope it means he has enough money to finance quality psychotherapy for himself).

“he’s going to think I used him”- maybe better not take his money gifts anymore, or gifts that cost money.

anita