Triangle?

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 8, 2018 at 9:55 am #201327

Steve
Participant

Even though the answer is quite obvious. I could really use another view on this.

Pardon my English.

She started working at my place of work on Jun of 2017. At the end of November, I asked her for her phone number. We started messaging each other, she was flirting, so a few days later I tried to get physical with her but she refused. I asked if she was available and she replied that she is dating someone and is in an unofficial relationship. I told her to let me know if she becomes available.

After New Year, I had a crush on her and she had a secret crush on me. I told her about my feelings. We resumed going out, almost on daily basis. I asked her out on a date to make it official but she said that she is seeing someone. A day before St. valentine’s she tells me that our relationship is inappropriate (even though there is nothing physical between us. Also, she did not go out with the other man she is seeing!!!)

We have previously discussed about having children (just in general). She pulled out her calculator and said- that I don’t make a six figure income that is in her opinion is needed to support a family and have a comfortable life. Apparently her other guy does!

We both come from very different cultural backgrounds, her father is very strict when it comes to dating man. Yet, from my conversations with her: she is way far from being innocent!

At the end of March, we started going out again. Meanwhile she is still dating another man on the weekend and mentions him occasionally in our conversations. At the beginning of this week, I have made it clear to her about my physical interest towards her (as I always have) but she said that she is not ready.

Last Friday, after a night out, she got very horny and for the first time we ended up at my place. Things did get a little physical but she was ready to go all the way. I felt like it was going to be a one-night stand and I was not interested in that. Besides, I’m not ready to be with someone and share her with another man.

While driving her home that night, I asked her if she wanted to go out on the weekend because we never go out on the weekend and she usually visits her other guy once a week on Sunday. She said that it’s inappropriate, that she only sees me as a friend and that she is into dating black man. (something that I already knew 5 months ago)

Poor princess is torn apart between two man.

For a fact:

We both enjoy each other’s company. She felt in love with me at some point. She finds me very physically attractive- she says that she is surprised that I’m single. Very calculative and money oriented. I’m 8 years older than her. I’m independent, she lives with her parents. She is dating that other guy who is her age for about 10 months and she is still not committed!

I know, I should have never allowed myself to get involved into this love triangle. I have tried to get out of it but she finds a way to pull me back in. Also, I’m not ready to just let her go. Working with her at the same place makes it impossible.

April 8, 2018 at 4:25 pm #201339

Airene
Participant

Hello Steve,

You said you wanted another view on what is happening, even though you say the answer is quite obvious and that you have tried to get out of this.

The reason you keep getting pulled back in is because of the payoff you get from being involved with her. You are not ready to let her go.

She also is, as you say, “torn apart between two men.”

You do know, don’t you, that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results.

Nothing has changed for her – she has you and the other guy. Nothing has changed for you – you have her flitting in and out, and you know she is attracted to you.

Why should anything change? Ultimately, what will have to happen is that YOU decide enough is enough. That either she is in your life, completely and committed, or she is gone. When will you get to that point?

I am also curious about what her response was the night this happened:

“Last Friday, after a night out, she got very horny and for the first time we ended up at my place. Things did get a little physical but she was ready to go all the way. I felt like it was going to be a one-night stand and I was not interested in that. Besides, I’m not ready to be with someone and share her with another man.”

Was she upset that you did not want to go all the way? Did you actually tell her that you felt like it was going to be a one-night stand and that you were not interested in that?

Airene

April 8, 2018 at 5:24 pm #201351

Peaches
Participant

Hey Steve
Just to be straight forward it sounds like she wants her cake and ice cream. As u stated she is young and lives a different life than you but although she may have a “type” she is intrigued with you and doesn’t want to completely ruin things with u or let you go because of that. It’s not fair but in the same token she is single and as you stated you were aware of the circumstances when you became involved with her. So now it is up to you .. either you can continue to entertain her and the “idea” of you two accepting that there are others she has interest in as well, tell her how you feel and that you Dont want to play game’s that you want to move forward (and accept her answer at face value) or you can simply move on and open your dating options up to others who may be willing to give you exactly what you are seeking without the string along.

April 9, 2018 at 2:16 am #201421

Steve
Participant

When I first got involved with her, I made it clear that I’m looking for a serious relationship but then I tried to get physical with her too quick. I was under the impression that “I’m seeing someone” line, was used to keep me out of her pants. For a long time, I refused to believe that she actually has someone else. I thought that she is playing hard to get!

I’ve spoken to her about this a number of times. I told her that if she is seeing someone else, she should leave me alone and that her actions towards me are misleading. Yet, she just continued to pull me in.

For the first few month, it was more like a back stubbing game. We took turns at hurting each other; until I confessed to her about my feelings. As soon as I made a confession- it was a game over for me! She stopped chasing and changed it into a waiting game. She has a degree in psychology and she is a charming women, it was not an equal fight.

At first, she would never speak about the other man in front of me. Later, it has slowly intensified until she became very open about it.

I am also curious about what her response was the night this happened:

“I would suggest that we go to your bed but I’m afraid things might end up being inappropriate”

I did ask her if she is into one-night stands and she said that she was not. Then, she received a text message from her sister, saying that she is pregnant with a second child. She picked up the phone and started messaging the guy about the news. I asked her “what are you doing?!”, she said “I need to tell him”. After that, I was not too persistent. She was so horny; I could smell her ****** from a mile away.

Of course she was upset. While I was driving her home, she broke up with me by saying “we are just friends and I’m into dating black man”. I told her that we can’t be friends because I see her as a woman. Later she messaged me asking if I got home ok, I did not respond, she started calling, I did not respond. I messaged her the next day saying that I was fine.

Actually, I’m glad that nothing happened and here I have my chance to end this madness. I know that I should. Unfortunately, I’m in love with her.

April 9, 2018 at 2:30 am #201423
Airene
Participant
Hello Steve,

What you say here is part of the problem:

I told her that if she is seeing someone else, she should leave me alone and that her actions towards me are misleading. Yet, she just continued to pull me in.

By telling her how to treat you, you are putting the power of the decision for all of this on her. This is your life, and your happiness. Take that back, and walk away from this person.

I know that is easier to do than it is to say. But understanding how she thinks might help. You have a person here who looks to me like she is using you for her own ego boost. She might think she loves you and likes you. She might be keeping you in this spot because the other guy is married or involved with someone else, and she is waiting for him to make a decision. In the meantime, she has you telling her you have these feelings for her. That can be intoxicating for anybody – to know someone out there thinks they are That Person.

I also think it’s worth noting that if she is treating you like this, is this someone you would want to be with for the rest of your life? She doesn’t value you enough to take your feelings seriously, and treat them with kindness.

The fact that she blew up your phone the night you refused to go all the way tells me she loves your attention and doesn’t want to lose that. But she doesn’t love you enough to leave the other guy and make the leap into a committed relationship with you.

If I were you, I would stop all contact with her. When she goes after you – and she will – tell her you are serious about walking away. Only then will she realize this is not a game, and that playing with your heart is not something you will allow.

Peace,

Airene
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Airene.
April 9, 2018 at 7:56 am #201449

Anonymous
Guest

Steve:

You wrote: “She was so horny; I could smell her ****** from a mile away” (exact quote).

As you re-read your sentence (please do), do you feel there is some serious disrespect there, disrespect toward this woman/ any woman?

I do. This is why I couldn’t find it in me to start this post with “Dear..” as I normally do.

anita

April 10, 2018 at 1:27 am #201581
Steve
Participant
Anita:

I know, I shouldn’t have written that. I deleted that line a number of times. It’s inappropriate. I have a tendency to say hurtful things without thinking. My apologies for offending you.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Steve.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Steve.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Steve.
April 10, 2018 at 3:24 am #201593

Anonymous
Guest

Steve:

What I figure from your posts is that you are angry at this woman for a few reasons. Three of these reasons are:

1. She refused to have sex with you while choosing to have sex with another man (“I tried to get physical with her but she refused…she is way far from being innocent!”)

2. She is money oriented (“She pulled out her calculator and said- that I don’t make a six figure income… Very calculative and money oriented”)

3. You believed from the very beginning that she was dishonest with you (“I was under the impression that ‘I’m seeing someone’ line, was used to keep me out of her pants. For a long time, I refused to believe that she actually has someone else. I thought that she is playing hard to get!... As soon as I made a confession- it was game over for me! She stopped chasing and changed it into a waiting game. She has a degree in psychology… it was not an equal fight”

You are angry at her because you want to get, using your words, to get into her pants and she won’t let you. Not only didn’t she let you … into her pants, she let another man into her pants. It is as if you state an injustice: How dare she keep me out of her pants?! How dare she let another man into her pants and keep me out of her pants?

You wrote: “I have a tendency to say hurtful things without thinking”. And you wrote earlier regarding you and this woman your thread is about: “For the first few months, it was more like a back stubbing game. We took turns hurting each other.”

You wrote, “I told her that we can’t be friends because I see her as a woman”- meaning, when you see a woman … as a woman, you see nothing but those pants, and you are focused on nothing else but on getting into those pants?

anita
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