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Running out of rope

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  • May 3, 2018 at 7:33 am #205423
    Paul
    Participant

    Howdy Folks. Happy Thursday

    I am not here seeking pity or a shoulder to cry on. I am simply looking for some alternative thoughts and opinions. A friend recommended this site so thays why I am here. And I want to thank anyone who is going to read my post.

    So this is whats going on and I am simply running out of ways to cope with it emotionally.

    About three or four months ago I separated with my wife, after six years of marriage. We are on good terms but nevertheless we are not together. It was her initiative to split up, but I was OK with it because I didn’t want to make her unhappy and I was not happy either.  I just turned 40 years old.  Ever since the break up I have been falling apart. Feeling very depressed and isolated. I don’t have clinical depression where I stay in bed and can’t move, not even close, I am a lot stronger than that. I go to work every day, I work hard, I go to the gym to exercise, I hike and run, I read and study,  and I do everything I need to do to move forward in my life. But my heart aches because I ended up alone at 40. No wife, no girlfriend or one on the horizon, no children, a couple of great friends, and parents and siblings who just monsters. They are not bad people, but they have written me off. They are too busy living in their fake world.

    So this is my problem, I’m completely alone in this world and I’m not sure how to cope with it. I have a dog whom I love and adore and he’s my best friend, my friends are great and I see them like twice a week and they really help me out.

    Otherwise I’m completely alone in my heart and in my soul. I’m very family oriented and it’s very hard seeing pretty much everyone else around me living a happy life, even if it’s far from perfect. I feel like I am dying inside and that it’s over for me. And I seem totally invisible to women for reason. I am a decent looking man, but it seems like women want beautiful rich guys and I dont fit that category. I am thinking about getting some meds for depression, but thats a bandaid on a much bigger problem.

    Any thoughts on how I can help myself not feel this way? I am drowning to be honest with you and I don’t know what the solution is to this equation. I dont think I can live the rest of my life alone and not lose my mind

     

    thanks and have a great day

    May 3, 2018 at 7:52 am #205437
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paul:

    Can you elaborate on your “parents and siblings who just monsters”?

    (You wrote: “They are not bad people”, but aren’t monsters bad people?)

    anita

    May 3, 2018 at 8:25 am #205447
    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi Paul,

    It sounds like you are coping amazingly well with the end of your marriage and are doing all the right things which is really inspiring.

    My thoughts are that it has only been 4 months so it’ not that long, and not being with someone now doesn’t mean you will not be able to settle down or have children. It sounds like if you and your wife weren’t happy it was the right thing for both of you. Women don’t just want rich  guys- for me chemistry and the kind of conversations and whether a person ‘gets’ you is key. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

    You could read a book called ‘unstuck’ which has some helpful advice about getting things moving on again- basically highlighting action is key (which it sounds like you are doing).

    It sounds like you are doing really well. It’ just having the energy to keep up all your good work on days when you don’t feel like it (easier said than done I know!)

     

    Take good care of yourself.

     

     

    May 3, 2018 at 8:28 am #205451
    nextsteps
    Participant

    Also, I know it feels like you are alone and you’ve got your dog and best friends which sometimes may feel that it’s not enough. When I feel like that I tend to try and meditate (try the headspace app) or go for a walk in nature with all the birds and insects (and your dog) and that can help show you you aren’t so alone. Also volunteer work or volunteer short breaks can help meet new people and help take your mind off things.

    May 3, 2018 at 9:29 am #205465
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Paul,

    I am wondering the same thing that Anita posted about…what you mean when you say your family are monsters, are not bad people?

    I also will echo what nextsteps said…that women do not just want rich guys.  If anything, women at your age will have a better sense of who they are and what they are looking for.  Yes, some women only want wealth and everything that goes with it.  I would also ask you to consider the difference between a woman only interested in money, and a woman who is interested in financial stability.  Big difference.

    It is also true that your divorce is relatively new, and without a doubt, it takes time to recover from that, even though it was more or less a mutual decision.  I will also note that your post is more about missing the connection you had with someone, versus missing your ex-wife.  That reads to me like you are in a good place, even though you may not feel that way at the moment.

    Nextsteps is also accurate in saying that not being with someone now does not spell the end of any chance of you being in a relationship again and having children, if that is what you are hoping for.

    You are doing all the right things in taking care of yourself.  I hope you continue to work hard, go to the gym, meet up with friends…all this will lead to healing and putting you on a new path.

    Airene

    May 3, 2018 at 10:10 am #205467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Paul:

    Usually I wait for a reply before posting again. Sometimes there is no reply from an Original Poster, quite often, really. I have some thoughts and I will share them with you. It is up to you to consider my thoughts, to evaluate them for accuracy, to accept or reject. And it is up to you to respond, or not.

    These are quotes from your share and my understanding based on your one original post only:

    You started with: “I am not here seeking pity or a shoulder to cry on”- it is as if a voice in your head said to you: don’t try seeking pity here! You have nothing to cry about, you deserve the pain you are in!

    You continued: “I am simply looking for some alternative thoughts and opinions”- it is as if you are defending yourself against that voice, arguing your case: I am not asking for pity! I know I don’t deserve it. I am only looking for opinions, that is all, so let me express myself, will you?!

    “It was her initiative to split up, but I was OK with it”- what I am hearing is: I have been okay with a whole lot of bad things happening in my life. I am used to it. (And I deserve them).

    “Ever since the break up I have been falling apart”- clearly, you were not OK with it.

    “I don’t have clinical depression… not even close, I am a lot stronger than that” – I hear you saying to that critical voice (who keeps talking to you as you type): see, I am not looking for pity. I just told those people that I am not depressed, that I am strong!

    “and parents and siblings who just monsters”- this is a slip, a message from the child that you were, the young child who correctly saw his parents as the monsters that they indeed were. One or both of your parents have a mental representative in you: that critical voice (aka inner critic).

    A child does not make mistakes in evaluating his parents as good or bad to him. The child brain is not crowded or clouded with previous experiences that may distort the evaluation of the reality of his parents.

    “They are not bad people”- this is a thought of the child later on: the child is not able to endure the thought that he is stuck with bad people, and so he closes his eyes to reality: they are not bad people.

    I am thinking that you believe it is your fault that your parents mistreated you, that “they have written (you)  off”. And that you deserve to be “dying inside… live the rest of (your)  life alone.”

    You asked: “Any thoughts on how I can help myself not feel this way?”

    My answer: believe the child in you who saw your parents as monsters, as bad people to the child that you were. Free that child from believing that he was and is the bad one. Give him back his goodness, his innocence.

    Change that core belief that you are bad, that you deserve pain and suffering. Confront and manage that inner critic, insert the truth into the barrage of its untrue input day in and day out.

    Restore that goodness to the child that you were and he will believe that he deserves a good life.

    anita

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