You know what.  I’ve really been thinking about this.  A lot.  Maybe the roller coaster is part of the desire?  I do know that our entire relationship i was always “waiting”  waiting for that next text or phone call, waiting to see her, waiting for her to tell me she missed me or loved me, always had that anticipation with her.  Maybe that was some of the excitement.  God  i don’t know.  I know she wasn’t perfect by any means and she had and still probably has a lot of issues.  But she was perfect for me.  DAmn i’m screwed up.  Why is my heart so big.  I hate it.  sometimes i wish i was ruined and cold and didn’t want to share my soul with anyone.  sucks.  Nice guys finish last right??  I wish i could just let go of that fantasy of being with her again and enjoy what i have right in front of me and what she is willing to give for me.  But the truth is i still think about my ex, even when i’m with my current.  how is that possible.  Is it possible to love two people at the same time on different levels?  Oh i hate this.  I do need a break from it all.  but when i have time alone, that’s when my OCD brain really takes over.  I have so many problems in my own head, i don’t deserve anyone….

these next couple weeks are going to be tough.  I know that.  I am going to take a break from my current.  And that’s going to suck, cause i do miss her when we aren’t together.  I need to get my head straight though.  I know she will understand that.  She has told me before if i need time and space she will give it to me and wait.  She really is a wonderful person with nothing but love to give.

Augghh!  picked a good time to try to quit smoking too!!!