Dear Char:

I read some of your shares in your previous threads. Nov 2013, you wrote: “I feel so superficial, false and unreal when I’m around other people- I don’t know what I am or what I stand for.. it’s like there’s so much anger, guilt and other negative feelings stuck inside of me! And I just keep building it up because I can’t express it”

It reads to me that when you were a child, in the context of your relationship with your parent/ parents, you had to close in a big part of yourself, to put away a lot of what you felt so to get along with them, so to be approved of. Only such a closing cannot be successful, as the feelings that are authentic do not go  away.

The feelings you repressed then, as a child, make it impossible for you to be authentic, to be true to yourself, to be aware of what you need and want, in relationships with men. This repeating experience of not knowing, of inauthenticity bring about anxiety.

The price you paid to have a “good” relationships with your parents is being a stranger to yourself, dishonest with yourself. Not because of an intention to be dishonest, with yourself and with others, but because of that closing-in, that putting a wall between your awareness and what really happened in your childhood, and what may still be happening in your relationship/s with a parent or parents at the present time.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Charlotte:

I reactivated your 2018 thread because I can relate very much to what you shared back then in this thread and in your other threads. (I am presenting the following in the present tense even though things may have changed since then):

The central theme in your original post here is how easily you lose your sense of self in romantic relationships.

You described not being able to feel your own emotions, sense your boundaries, or stay connected to what you want. You get “absorbed” into the other person, go against your own limits, and then feel guilt and shame afterward. This isn’t about this particular man — it’s about your relationship with yourself.

People who grow up without emotional attunement — parents who don’t mirror feelings, don’t help the child understand their inner world, or don’t respect boundaries — often grow up without a stable internal sense of self. In adulthood, they tend to “merge” with partners because they don’t have a strong inner anchor to hold onto.

What you describe is the emotional pattern of fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness, fearing it, moving toward someone, then pulling away, then feeling guilty and returning. This cycle usually begins long before adulthood.

You wrote about feeling shame, guilt, dishonesty, and like you were “not yourself.” The shame isn’t about the physical intimacy — it’s about abandoning your own boundaries. Every time you said “no” and then went against it, you reinforced the old belief that your needs don’t matter. That belief comes from childhood.

You actually mentioned this connection yourself (I didn’t notice you mentioning your parents yesterday, but here it is): “I’ve been struggling with feeling myself and my emotions in other romantic relationships as well as in the relationship to my parents.”

This one sentence says a lot. It suggests that growing up your emotions weren’t mirrored, your boundaries weren’t respected, you had to adapt to others, and you weren’t allowed to take up emotional space

Children who grow up this way often become adults who don’t know what they feel, don’t know what they want, feel guilty for having needs, lose themselves in relationships, and panic when someone gets close. Your current struggles are a continuation of that early pattern.

You worry that you’re being dishonest, but what’s actually happening is this:

You say what you think you feel → you get overwhelmed → you disconnect from yourself → you act from fear → you feel guilty → you try to correct it → you get overwhelmed again.

This isn’t manipulation. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from emotional overload.

You also mentioned that he is calm, patient, and accepting. That’s positive — but for someone with your attachment pattern, it can also be confusing. You’re used to relationships where you had to adapt or manage others. His calmness removes the familiar “role,” which can make you lose your sense of self even more.

You’re unsure whether you like him because you can’t feel yourself clearly. You wonder if it’s the wrong person or if it’s emotional numbness. This confusion is common when someone doesn’t yet have a stable internal sense of self. Until that stabilizes, it’s impossible to know what you truly feel about him.

Right now, you’re trying to make relationship decisions from a place of numbness, shame, fear, and self‑abandonment. No one can make a clear choice from that state.

What matters most is understanding that you didn’t act out of malice. You acted out of fear and emotional survival. You’re not a bad person — you’re someone who never learned how to stay connected to herself because she wasn’t supported in developing that connection as a child.

Your adult pattern — losing yourself, feeling guilty for having needs, being pulled toward and away from intimacy — is the natural outcome of growing up without emotional safety.

* Mirroring a child’s feelings means the parent reflects the child’s emotional state back to them in a calm, attuned way. It helps the child feel seen and teaches them what their feelings are.

Examples: (1) Child: crying because a toy broke, Parent: “Oh sweetheart, you’re really sad about your toy. It meant a lot to you.”

(2) Child: hiding behind the parent at a party, Parent: “You’re feeling shy right now. It’s okay to take your time.”

(3) Child: angry because a sibling took something, Parent: “You’re frustrated and mad. I get it — that didn’t feel fair.”

(4) Child: excited about something, Parent: “You’re so excited! Tell me what happened.”

This teaches the child “My feelings make sense.”, “Someone understands me.”, “My emotions aren’t too much.”, “I can trust what I feel.”

This is the foundation of a stable sense of self.

An attuned parent can help a child understand their inner world. Examples:

(1) Child: says “I don’t know” when asked what’s wrong, Parent: “Sometimes feelings get mixed together. Maybe you’re a little sad and a little angry?”

(2) Child: nervous before a performance, Parent: “That tight feeling in your stomach is nerves. It happens when something matters to you.”

(3) Child: shouting “I hate you!”, Parent: “You’re really upset right now. Let’s take a moment and figure out what’s underneath that anger.”

This teaches the child: “My inner world is understandable.”, “My feelings have names.”, “I can explore what’s happening inside me.”, “I don’t have to be afraid of my emotions.”

This is how children develop emotional awareness and self‑connection.

An attuned parent Respects the child’s boundaries, recognizing the child as a separate person with their own needs, preferences, and limits.

Examples:

(1) Child: doesn’t want to hug a relative, Parent: “That’s okay. You don’t have to hug anyone if you don’t want to.”

(2) Child: wants to play alone, Parent: “You want some space right now. I’ll check on you in a bit.”

(3) Child: says “stop” during tickling, Parent: “You said stop — I’m stopping.”

(4) Child: doesn’t want to share a toy yet, Parent: “You’re not ready to share right now. You can tell me when you are.”

This teaches the child “My boundaries matter.”, “I’m allowed to say no.”, “I have control over my body and space.”, “I am a separate person.”

This is how children develop a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries in adulthood.

When a child grows up with mirrored feelings → they learn emotional clarity, with help understanding their inner world → they develop self-awareness, with respected boundaries → they develop a stable sense of self

When these are missing, the child grows up unsure of their feelings, disconnected from their needs, easily overwhelmed, prone to losing themselves in relationships, afraid to set boundaries and guilty for having needs. This is exactly the pattern you described Charlotte, a pattern I can very much relate to.

(to be continued next)

Anita

Continued, Dear Charlotte:   

Reading what you shared in your first, Nov 29, 2013, more than 4.5 years before your last thread (July 2018), it’s striking how consistently your early experiences match the patterns you’ve been struggling with in relationships.

Even at 21, you described feeling emotionally numb, disconnected from yourself, unsure of who you were, and easily shaped by the people around you. You wrote about feeling “false and unreal,” adapting to whoever you were with, and not knowing your own values — all signs of a self that was not supported or mirrored in childhood.

You also spoke about filling inner emptiness through relationships or eating disorders, repressing anger and feeling responsible for your parents’ emotions (“I feel bad about staying so sad because my parents have been suffering because of this.”).

These are the same themes that later showed up in your romantic life: losing your sense of self, not knowing your needs, merging with partners, feeling guilty for having boundaries, and swinging between closeness and distance.

Your posts across the years tell one coherent story: you’ve been trying to navigate life without ever having been taught how to stay connected to yourself, and you’ve been doing the best you can with the tools you were given.

Growing up, it’s clear to me that you suffered Emotional Neglect (the lack of mirroring, etc.)
In regard to emotional over-involvement by a parent: it’s when the parent uses the child for emotional support (role reversal). Examples: (1) A mother cries to her 10‑year‑old about her marriage problems, (2) A parent says, “You’re the only one I can talk to.”, (3) A parent vents about work stress to the child instead of another adult, (4) “I don’t know what I’d do without you — you’re my rock.”

And as a result, the child becomes the parent’s emotional caretaker and learns to suppress their own needs.
Emotional overinvolvement can also happen when the parent takes the child’s emotions personally. For example, saying something like “It hurts me when you’re upset.”, “When you’re sad, it ruins my whole day.”, or “Why are you angry at me? I’m doing everything for you.”, and the child learns that expressing emotions harms others, so they shut down or numb out.

Emotional overinvolvement also happens when the parent expects emotional closeness the child can’t give.
Example, saying, “Why don’t you want to spend time with me anymore?”, as well as the parent treating the child’s independence as rejection. Example, “Why do you want to go out with friends instead of staying with me?”. The child learns that autonomy causes conflict, so they avoid boundaries in adulthood.

It happens when the parent is emotionally fused with the child. Examples- The parent needs the child to agree with their opinions or the parent becomes upset if the child has different feelings, expecting the child to mirror their moods. As a result, the child never develops a separate identity and later “merges” with partners.

Emotional overinvolvement doesn’t look like “abuse” in the traditional sense — it often looks like closeness, concern, or even love. But it quietly erodes a child’s ability to develop a stable inner world.

You didn’t describe specific behaviors from your parents, but based on what you did share, it’s clear that you grew up in an environment where your emotions were not mirrored, your boundaries were not respected, you had to abandon yourself so to adapt to your parent or parents, you felt responsible for their feelings, you weren’t supported in developing a sense of self and you learned to suppress anger and needs. You became emotionally disconnected from yourself

I started a new thread yesterday, partly as a result of your threads, Charlotte. Like I said, it’d be a miracle of you respond after all these years 🌿 ✨ 🌼 🌟

🤍 Anita