Valkyrie72,

1. Dating for 1.5 yrs
2. Love “taking care” of him
3. Bad anxiety with anxiety attacks. Handling it with pot but been off it because of his new job.
4. Does not want to live together
5. Does not keep in touch with his daughter and does not care about her
6. Does not keep in touch anymore

My take on what you shared is that all relationships have a romantic/honeymoon phase that lasts 9 months to 1.5 yrs. Then it reaches a conflict phase where it either goes to the next phase or breakup.
I think that he is still struggling about how to handle his anxiety. There are prescriptions for that too.
I wonder about his attitude toward his daughter for that is more of a red flag for me.

Mark

Dear Valkyrie72:

A couple of thoughts: you wrote, “I know there is serious abuse in his past and he hates his mother. I don’t believe she was the abuser, but she did not protect him and when she found out about it she basically didn’t want him to tell anyone”. This means she protected the abuser, not her son, the abused. In doing that she has been a co-abuser, that is, she abused him too. There are probably many other experiences he had with his mother in which she was .. less than loving.

“Is there anything I can do to help him?”, you asked. If he is in contact with you again (is he at this point?), be on his side, unlike his mother. Do not recommend to him in any way, shape or form that he reconnects with his mother.

Otherwise, when you interact with a very anxious person, key is to appear as calm as you can appear to be. Keep yourself as calm as possible. A very anxious person is calmer when in the company of calm people, their anxiousness is reduced. Be that predictable, calm person in his life who is on his side, and be so consistently, reliably so that he an learn to trust you to continue to be calm and on his side.

anita

Dear Valkyrie72:

You are welcome. Reads to me based on the little information I have,  that his anxiety is specific to relationships because it originated in his childhood relationships with those who abused him, his mother is one. So he may avoid relationships altogether or if they turn a bit distressing, he terminates them.

Smoking pot calmed him. No longer smoking and his anxiety increased significantly. Seeing his mother after more than ten years triggered his anxiety big time. He told you he didn’t care about seeing her (if I understood correctly), but he cared, that is, seeing her severely distressed him.

I would say that what led to him breaking up with you were three events: the night you pressured him to move in with you, seeing his mother and quitting pot.

I hope you feel better soon. Reads like you miss his affection very much, that those were precious time for you, and for him.

anita