Hi Dorothee,

I understand how you feel. Most people want to find that “perfect” partner to share their lives with because, face it, it’s more fun to experience the good parts of life and less painful to experience the bad parts when you’re with someone you love and who loves you back. The fear creeps in when we think we’ll never find this person, that we’ll miss the boat. I think in most cultures this fear is more widespread among women than men simply because if a woman doesn’t find a partner to procreate with before her childbearing days are over, she may worry she’ll never have a family either. This fear is so real that what often happens is that those who feel it allow it to cloud their good judgment by ignoring the red flags in their relationships. In other words, they’d rather settle for the wrong partner than become a dreaded “spinster” or “lonely guy” (as Steve Martin would call them).  So they get married, have a couple kids, and then of course they eventually can no longer overlook the flaws they ignored way back in the beginning and well, you know the rest, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and many that don’t are unhappy unions. I know some who would say “At least these folks got the family part of it — they were able to get some kids.” This is true, but there are other options these days. Women can freeze their eggs so that they have a shot at conceiving later in life, whether or not the right guy comes along (if he doesn’t, sperm banks are available). There is also adoption, which I know is so much harder now than it was back in the 1960s, but people still manage to do it.

Don’t settle for a guy who treats you badly. Stay away from him. Why do you feel you’re not good enough for him? How do you see yourself? What are some of your good qualities, and what are some that you see as not so good?

B