Dear Dorothee,

It seems a good decision to let go of this person who does not seem to be good for your well being, someone who has made you apologise constantly, someone who made you felt needy for attention.

I noticed this statement “loving him made me forget how it felt like to hate myself.”. What makes you hate yourself? Have you worked on that?

Hi Dorothee,

I understand how you feel. Most people want to find that “perfect” partner to share their lives with because, face it, it’s more fun to experience the good parts of life and less painful to experience the bad parts when you’re with someone you love and who loves you back. The fear creeps in when we think we’ll never find this person, that we’ll miss the boat. I think in most cultures this fear is more widespread among women than men simply because if a woman doesn’t find a partner to procreate with before her childbearing days are over, she may worry she’ll never have a family either. This fear is so real that what often happens is that those who feel it allow it to cloud their good judgment by ignoring the red flags in their relationships. In other words, they’d rather settle for the wrong partner than become a dreaded “spinster” or “lonely guy” (as Steve Martin would call them).  So they get married, have a couple kids, and then of course they eventually can no longer overlook the flaws they ignored way back in the beginning and well, you know the rest, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and many that don’t are unhappy unions. I know some who would say “At least these folks got the family part of it — they were able to get some kids.” This is true, but there are other options these days. Women can freeze their eggs so that they have a shot at conceiving later in life, whether or not the right guy comes along (if he doesn’t, sperm banks are available). There is also adoption, which I know is so much harder now than it was back in the 1960s, but people still manage to do it.

Don’t settle for a guy who treats you badly. Stay away from him. Why do you feel you’re not good enough for him? How do you see yourself? What are some of your good qualities, and what are some that you see as not so good?

B

Hi Dorothee,

Most people at some point in their lives are treated badly at one point or another in a relationship, whether it’s a romantic one, a friendship, a family relationship, etc. Some believe they deserve the bad treatment and others believe they do not. Those who believe they do not usually won’t tolerate it. Seems to me that you were taught early on that you deserve to be treated badly and so when it happens your belief is “validated”, and it’s also why you keep going back to him. You say The fact that I deal with heavy anxiety everyday and I also happened to be a victim of an abusive relationship with a parent during my childhood does not seem to effect the way he still treated me. I disagree. I think that those things actually dictate the way he treated you: You believe you deserve it, so you get it. Well, you didn’t deserve it when you were a kid and you don’t deserve it now. It’s terrible that as a child you were taught that you are bad. It’s time to let go of that belief, albeit it may take some time and hard work as it probably runs pretty deep. What do you think about counseling?

B

Hi Dorothee,

Although being with him made me unhappy, part of me still decided to stay because of my fear of being alone.

I understand this thinking completely. When you find yourself lonely and missing him, don’t forget all the things about this relationship that made you unhappy. In fact, write them down now so that you can read them when you feel sad, weak, and tempted to contact him. Staying silent to avoid arguments and constantly apologizing to him — sounds to me like you were walking on eggshells while you were with this guy. That’s no way to live. You don’t have to do that anymore. Time to focus on yourself now. Counselling is really good idea, and meditation may help with the anxiety. Have you tried it?

B

Dorothee as you are at Uni you have some brains – anxiety is not good – why do you hate yourself :

At uni (speaking as an alumni for two universities) your focus needs to be on why you wanted to go there, is it still as important to you – if it is you need to knuckle down to your studies and try to attain the best grades you can – rel/ships at uni add to stress I know! but if you are in a crisis with your ex NOW is the time to re-focus and study hard or don’t and fail or get a 3rd!

Suffering from anxiety like we do our hourly or minute by minute aim is to try many different things to aid relaxation in doing so the anxiety is reduced – positive affirmations work, you do mediation try a 10 min one on youtube  the honest guys is good avoid drugs and alcohol or other foods / drinks that cause anxiety spikes – also some great self help books there.

Hating yourself – me thinks now is the time to STOP negative thinking breeds negative thinking – so right now grab pen and paper draw a line down the middle and right dislike and love – YOU CAN put at least two things you love about yourself – such as ‘I love the way I laugh at myself when I trip up when no one is watching’ ‘I love the way I make beans on toast and throw in cheese to make a great snack’ you get the picture.

In simple – STOP the hate and inner self telling you you need this and that – today or tomorrow turn self into others and do 1 thing for somebody else such as open a door for someone, say Thank You after service given, drop some money into a charity box, the best is if no one knows you have done something such as give to a charity etc trust me start small it will change your view of you – plus you can ‘Love yourself for giving without reward’ blessings Ry x