Dear Neil,

As Brandy wrote, there is definitely something captivating about the way you write.

As you wrote – “they dont live this horrible place I live where I caused this situation.” I can in no way understand how you feel but when I tried putting myself in your position I felt something like a tearing sensation in me. From where I am, I can pray for you, for sure and hope that some kind of a superior presence can help you.

For an external perspective on this

The few people I have talked to have all said the same thing: that I shouldnt do it because she’ll be moving away in three years and even the three years will be different as she grows more and wants her independence rather than hanging out with Dad

Probably true but what happens in her life is really not a matter in your control. Your guilt and pain now have stemmed from what you perceive as your role. If you take the choice of being near her, at least you have done what you feel is right. Your daughter will be independent for sure but will have the knowledge that despite his difficulties dad was there for her.

My fear is making the wrong choice. My fear is not knowing that everything will be ok. I know ultimately that fear is just that- its the not knowing that the outcome of the choice or action we take is that we will just be ok (or better off). If we stood on the top of a mountain and knew that if we jumped, we’d land safely and we’d be ok- we’d never be fearful, right. Thats what this is I guess, I just need to know that the choice I make will be ok and the pain I have caused myself and others will end as quickly as possible.

I dont think there is a certainty to the outcome of any choice. Every choice that you take will have consequences many of which may not be what we think it to be. I liked your analogy of the mountain top as it is one of my favourite imagery. When I find that I have difficulty sleeping I use this scene of how I am on top of a mountain, my back is faced against the edge, I walk back and let go, I fall but with a certainty that there is a power that will cushion my fall and take me through.

Take care