It was expressed quite a bit in the relationship. Many different times, especially around the beginning, I would often times do or say things because I almost didn’t believe she wanted to be with me, and I wanted validation. I have an issue with texting first or asking to hang out because I worry I’m bothering her, she’s usually busy. She cited that in our breakup, saying I wasn’t meeting her halfway and felt that she had more confidence in our relationship than I did. I also spent a lot of time worrying her family didn’t like me, given I am tattooed and have a piercing and she doesn’t, her family is conservative and wasn’t completely on board when they found out we were dating, given the same sex relationship. That led me to almost breaking up with her once on a trip to see her family, my anxiety got so far in the way and I was terrified and overwhelmed that she would break up with me because her family didn’t like me. That being said though, her family does like me. Her mother loved me and could tell we had feelings for each other before we were dating, and her sister and mother told her that I was good for her.
The thing about that is I felt that this didn’t warrant a breakup. I had no idea that these things bothered her so much until she was ending it. Wouldn’t that sort of thing be discussed in a conversation and an agreement to work on it? I was working on myself and my insecurities, and continue to. I just have a lot of guilt about feeling like it was my fault, although everyone I’ve talked to says it’s not my fault, and how she’s behaving isn’t a reflection on me because I took personal responsibility, she has yet to take any personal responsibility for the breakup, because she hasn’t talked about it and will change the topic once someone asks her what she could have done differently.
I know what I could have done differently, and I just wish I could show her what I’m capable of.
And I understand! As I was writing it I realized it was a much longer and more complicated story than I thought, and likely left some stuff out. But I am open and willing to be honest about anything, so ask any questions you need to.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 