Hi Anita & Peter,

Thank you for your replies.

Anita:

You are right about the pain I have experienced in the past, over several relationships in fact. The same pattern emerges in which I feel misunderstood and then ridiculed after I try to articulate my feelings, I have been called dramatic and moody many times. In my first serious relationship I was lied to right up to the very end, even when breaking up she couldn’t be honest about the man she was with behind my back. This wrecked me and I have been carrying it since. More recently, my last relationship was doomed (by myself) from the start. I told my ex when we met that I didn’t feel ready, told her of my past, my issues and how hard it would be for me. She assured me that it wouldn’t be like that with her and I caved, we got together. For a while things were ok but then she developed an issue with a mutual friend from work who I actually met her through, and I gave her no reason to believe anything was there. I spoke to this woman only at work and on the way home from. I didn’t have any interactions with her outside of that. She didn’t trust me and so I began to shut down. Then I got suspended from work for a long time for substance misuse and I not only shut down but away also and she started to take all of this personally. We broke up. Tried working things out when I was back at work but she kept letting me down with all our plans without even letting me know, seriously not even a quick text. Then I had a call from her saying that we needed to talk and she would phone me at a certain time which never happened and I haven’t heard from her since she went totally ghost on me, I don’t get it so I posted her a letter saying my piece and let go for good. Can’t help but kick myself for causing all that trouble for us both by just not being assertive, as you mentioned.

You read the question right I am not much of a socialiser and I have works xmas meal coming up which I am dreading enough as it is and then to top it off she will be there even though she hasn’t worked there in a long time. I will keep EAR in mind, thank you for the advice it makes a lot of sense. Slowly, gradually, cautiously and selectively is sound advice too however, I am struggling to get to even a slow start.

Peter:

The advice is from the man who runs the support group I attend and I suspect that your interpretation is right. I get so confused lately what with my emotional state being even more sensitive and unstable than usual due to not suppressing anything anymore with cannabis. I now have to find the authentic parts of myself as for so long being a ‘stoner’ defined me and controlled my life to the point that I couldn’t even face going to the shop for food as I was trying to smoke away so much anxiety from not knowing if I had a job to go back to. I lost a lot of weight. After that I don’t find the idea of finding myself very exciting, I feel scared to be honest. Scared of what I’ll find or who I really am.. What if I turn out to be not a very nice person? What if that’s the reason I shut myself away on a subconscious level? Also scared of engaging with life it’s been such a long time since I have. I have only really engaged life as far as work and family, my network is non existent.

I can give you an idea of my vision for a healthy relationship though. I want to be a rock for my girl to lean on when she needs it, I want her to be mine. I want to be understanding and honest, even in the toughest times. I want a best friend and partner in crime to tackle life with as it hurls obstacles at us both individually and together as a team. I want to feel like I need no one but her and I want her to feel the same. Thinking about it as I write it down I want to be what I need