Hi Nikkole- maybe the answer is as simple as asking yourself, what do you LIKE to do? What made you go into nursing? Did you enjoy studying biology and anatomy? What kind of activities do you do enjoy doing when you’re on your own? I think that every human being is meant to do work that expresses their deepest passions/desires/wants. So, what do you exactly want? If you don’t know, you might want to think about what you were like as a child, what kind of activities and games that you gravitated toward. And, lastly, what makes you jealous when it comes to other people? THAT might actually give you some indication as to your life path. For example, at one point I found myself getting envious of women around my age who were publishing debut novels- which of course that I was repressing the desire to create my own novel!

If you give this some hard thought (and feeling!) I’m sure you’ll arrive at the right answer for you.

I think we all consider security when looking at careers- it’s difficult not to. The problem is when job security becomes the only considered factor. That ends up creating a lot of anxiety, and an anxious state is the worst kind for making decisions.

Are you making videos right now? If not, you can start doing that just for fun, and just the process of it might soothe your anxiety. You don’t have to think about the money- just enjoy the process of making the video. And it’s a common belief that artists/creatives don’t make any money. But if you think about it, film/TV are very large industries, so all those people working in it must be bringing in a paycheck somehow. How do you feel about finding some people in the videography (correct term?) field to talk with? Just a chat- you can consider it an exploration. You might even find an amateur group/meetups, and just enjoy doing that. If you really do like some aspects of medicine, perhaps you can even consider combining your knowledge of the field with your video editing skills.

From what you’ve written, I think  that aside from finding your niche, you really need some simple enjoyment and fun in your life. It might even help to take a short trip (or plan one for the future) to clear your head. Hope this helps 🙂

Dear Nikkole:

This is my understanding:

You are a 25  year old woman who has worked since 14 years old, in the same company. Financial security has been  a significant concern from your early youth, so you worked a lot, and hard. In your early twenties you attended a  nursing program in college because you wanted the job security of a nursing career. But while in the program you were miserable, crying every day. You quit that program two years ago, at 23, but you beat yourself up for leaving the program.

At 24 you started  therapy, “the best thing  for me”, but you still feel “a bit depressed” and you “can’t seem to shake this uneasy, underlying anxiety that always seems to be in the background every second of every day”.

You don’t know where  your life is going, “unsure  of what to do with my life.. can’t figure  out what I would like to do for a living “. You are thinking about going back to college, but “unsure  what for”, and you are jealous of women who don’t have  to  work or worry about money and who “have the day to do as they please”.

You wrote: “I’m sorry if this ‘problem’ seems trivial, I would just  like to find some peace since my mind keeps seeking answers for this so-called issue”-

I would like to communicate with you beyond  this one post, to have some back and forth communicating because there  is more here than what was presented so  far. At this point I ask regarding  the sentence I quoted last: some  voice  in you says to you that your problem is  not a real problem (therefore the quotation  marks around the word problem), saying to you that your problem is trivial and that you don’t have a real issue (therefore the “so called” qualifier)-

Did someone in real life, a  parent perhaps, communicated to you that your problems, your issues, your feelings are  not important, not real  problems; did a parent/s focus so much on money that nothing in comparison seemed  important to them?

anita

Dear  Nikkole:

Regarding your therapist input: “There are people who are having a harder time than you are…”- this sentence  was  not said with good  intentions (“I’m sure her intentions were  good”), it was said out of some anger, impatience. She  lashed  out at you having  said that. There  can not possibly be a  good intent in that, not for a person with some insight and awareness. Maybe at other times her input was  good, but not at that time. If she didn’t apologize  for her damaging comment, she should  have.

Regarding “this uneasy, underlying anxiety that always seems to be in the background every second of ever day”, this anxiety is likely to be the same  anxiety, the same  daily fear you experienced growing up when your mother was in her room and you were outside her room, waiting for the next time she comes  out  of her room and “stir drama” next. It is the anxiety of anticipating her next drama.

You wrote  that you beat  yourself up for leaving the nursing program, but don’t you beat yourself up for other things, every day, smaller things?

anita

Dear Nikkole:

We keep reliving our childhoods, no wonder, because our brains are formed during those Formative Years, our childhoods. My mother was very argumentative, stirring trouble a whole lot. I feared her, feared  the  next time, anxious throughout those formative years and  the decades that followed.

I used to have these ongoing arguments in my  head, people arguing  with me, telling me  I am wrong, making their points proving to me I am wrong..  and  I  in turn argued  against  those  voices  in my  head, sure was exhausting. I was tired most  of the  time, day and  night.

I beat  myself up a whole lot, those voices did  (the inner critic  it is called, or inner  bully in my case), a whole  lot  of beatings. Exhausting and  painful. There is no winning with that  inner bully, I was wrong  no matter what, if I chose X- I was wrong, if I chose Y- I was wrong.

It’s been a long and still  ongoing process of healing  for me, healing, learning, both. I hope to read more from you and would be  glad to reply every time you post,  if you want me to.

(I will soon be  away from the  computer for about sixteen hours)

anita

Dear Nikkole:

Your questions are fine  with me. My answer: there  is no easy or fast way to go about it. At times this or that will work for a while, and  you may think you  got it, but no, these well established pathways  in the  brain will get reactivated sooner than later. It takes months and years to insert new pathways into the old so to change the pathway- map of the brain. It takes  years of extreme patience and  persistence of doing  the work over a long, long time, not just when relatively calm, but while being  distressed.

CBT, Cognitive  Behavioral Therapy, is a lot of that work. I started with a book of the  for-dummies series,  called  Cognitive  Behavioral Therapy for Dummies. It includes  a workbook with CBT exercises that are helpful in that re-mapping of the  brain. One  CBT basic exercise is challenging our thoughts (those  voices), evaluating if they are  true to reality, and if not, changing to thoughts that are true  to reality. Because  these  thoughts are connected to emotions, when we correct distorted (and distressing) thoughts, we  feel calmer.

Mindfulness is another  very  important practice and I am sure  there  are  workbooks on the  matter, definitely lots of literature, including  on the  home page  of  this website under  Blogs.

We can  communicate about  the above two items over time if you want.

You wrote about your argumentative thoughts: “Mine  are extremely judgmental of others and  myself and  I always feel less than other people or that people think I’m less than them”- I mentioned earlier the concept of the  inner critic. The inner critic is me  criticizing myself and the  outer critic is me criticizing others. The two go together, people who criticize themselves a lot also criticize  others a lot.

I too felt less than others, a very  painful feeling  to live  with. And  I  imagined  others knew I was less than them, and that made me very angry. So I relate to what you wrote: “there’s a lot of anger, like it’s rageful”. You wrote that  you can’t pinpoint why you feel this anger. I can because I found out the reason: I am not less than. If I was less than others in reality, I wouldn’t be angry about it. When you are as worthy and valuable as others but… doomed to  behave as less than, that  brings  about rage!

I remember the surprise, my surprise when I first entertained the thought-and-emotion that I was  not less than, that there was  nothing  wrong with me.

There  is a difference between knowing on the intellectual/ superficial level and knowing on the intellectual and emotional/ deep level.

So I remember my surprise, I had no idea that I was not less than others, emotionally I didn’t know. It took a lot of time and work following that realization in 2014 to actually talk to people and not feel less than them. The old less-than pathway still exists and still sends its vibrations of distress, but it  doesn’t  feel as intense, doesn’t lead to overthinking, I figure its the pathway reactivated and I repeat to myself the thoughts that are true to reality.

anita