Forum Replies Created
October 14, 2021 at 2:00 pm #387353
Anita- Thank you for reaching out. I’m doing better- just taking everything day by day, which is the best that I can do.September 30, 2021 at 10:16 am #386858
the concept of filial responsibility where abuse is included is powerful: it keeps the abused in the dark, blind to reality, it protects the powerful short-term at the long-term expense of all of us.
This is very true- it definitely has kept me blind to my reality.
Anytime you want to talk to me here, please do.
Thank you again- for taking the time to respond with such care.September 29, 2021 at 12:34 pm #386831
Thank you so much for writing such a detailed response- I appreciate it. Your post yesterday helped me so much- I realized how removed from reality I’ve become regarding my parents’ effects on me.
You wrote: -Please turn down the volume of your shouting parents and turn up the volume of the following words, your own words: “moving back to my childhood home.. is a recipe for disaster“. Preventing a disaster is a way wiser strategy than co-creating a disaster and then try to get out of it.
This is exactly what I should be thinking. I would be essentially destroying my own life. And at this age (I’m not old, but not young either), I realize I should pick up the pieces of what’s left of my life and make something meaningful of it.
You wrote– (1) preventing the disaster of moving in with your mother/ parents and otherwise, improving your mental health, as well as (2) not accommodating your father’s selfishness- these are parts of being socially responsible.
You know, that is a great point! Honestly, I never even looked at it from that angle. I’ve been raised to believe that social responsibility only equals filial responsibility. And filial responsibility is putting up with your parents’ abuse no matter what- because they’ve financially provided for you. I know how disturbing my viewpoint sounds, and I didn’t even realize the extent to which I’ve held it until typing it up now.
“just seeing people bonding, going out, etc., makes me think, why is it SO hard for me to have that?“- This was my own question.
Although…I will say that I’d just been starting to make some progress in this area, when COVID upended everything. I’m now looking at groups and online dating to get involved with people again. But I know that a huge part of this is thinking that everyone’s going to be like my parents (or extended family- and they’re not that much better). Trying to become more aware of self-sabotage here.
You wrote: Parents should not get a right-to-abuse any more than a boyfriend gets.. there is no such right!
Of course, but the scary thing is- a part of me read this and thought- “parents do have the right to inflict damage on you because they gave you life.” I know how incredibly messed-up my mindset is, but it’s what I’ve grown up with. I hope I don’t sound like I’m making excuses for myself– but reading all this in black-and-white in front of me makes me understand just how twisted my psyche has become with regard to this aspect of my life: which of course has affected all the OTHER aspects of my life.
I’m glad you showed me some of my own posts- it’s like I have the knowledge of what’s the right thing to do- just trouble following it.
Promise yourself to always and forevermore live away from your parents… no matter what.
I’ll be referring to this thread a lot when I’m feeling trapped by my parents again- as will inevitable happen again at some point.
Thanks again for providing so much insight.
September 28, 2021 at 3:58 pm #386814
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Selkie.
calm down first, don’t think.. and when you are calm, then think.
Thank you- very good adviceSeptember 28, 2021 at 3:46 pm #386812
Thanks for your quick response. Wow…I’d forgotten that I’d even posted that 5 years ago. Seeing that post and my post today in comparison- reality about the way my life is and the ways in which it hasn’t changed just hit me. Yes- you’re completely right.
I am guessing that no matter how much you do for them, your father will not be pleased.. and your mother- it may make no difference to her, what and how much you sacrifice. And so, all your loving sacrifice will be for nothing.
Yes. Correct. Although (before all this happened)- I was in more or less in a better place than that post 5 years ago (I find creative work deeply fulfilling and sustaining and that helps my mental health)- not much has changed. Because I have and continued to put my parents’ needs before my own. And now– that my mother has had the stroke, my father expects me to especially do this, if something happens to him.
Logically, the most healthy thing would be for me to severely reduce contact. Emotionally, I won’t be able to do that right now because of this particular situation.
I admit- not taking action has been an issue all my life, and while I do have some good things in my life (living in a large city still, my creative work (outside my not-so-fulfilling job), the most important thing that I should have done- cutting the emotional/codependency cord from my parents, hasn’t happened. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.
You’re also right that moving back to my childhood home should my imagined worst-case scenario come true is a recipe for disaster. It’s just that– I can’t see any options re: caring for my mother should it happen. I’m so overwhelmed right now I can’t even think straight about all this. I probably need to calm down and just think.
I wouldn’t quit my employment though- that just wouldn’t be possible. I guess I have to hear my mind without my parents shouting at top volume inside it.December 13, 2018 at 6:21 pm #269205
Hi Cranberry (I love your name by the way :-))
I’ve been in similar situations before, and one thing I’ve learned from some hard experiences is that if you have doubts or or thinking too much about a guy, something is way off. I think it’s VERY important that you wrote that sometimes you don’t trust him and that you’re seeing red flags at the beginning of your paragraph. I think you know that this is not a good situation to be in and that he’s not giving you the respectful and kind treatment that you deserve. It is always best to listen to your own intuition. The question is, why are you choosing to downplay bad behavior? I know it’s difficult, but from what you’ve written I do think it’s smart to step back from him. The best way, I think to do that, is to focus on you. Aside from this guy, are you happy with the other areas of your life? You’re in college- are you happy with what you’re studying, and your friend circle? What are you planning to do after college? Is it something you’re excited about? If not, maybe try to think of things (besides this guy) that you look forward to doing. And I promise, you will no longer about him this much once you do that. I feel (and also have experienced personally) that when we’re not fulfilled in other areas of life, that dissatisfaction shows up in our romantic relationships as well.
In any case, this guy doesn’t sound like good news. You should probably move on. And being in college, your pool is large, so take heart that the right guy is there for you.November 27, 2018 at 7:44 pm #261529
Hi Nikkole- Wow, that was a really uncalled-for comment from the therapist. I know therapy is often recommended, but a lot of them have their own baggage/judgment issues. So sometimes it takes a while to find the right one, if you do choose to continue down that path. I do think your problem is a real issue that deserves compassion/exploration, etc. I hope you don’t take what that therapist said to heart.November 25, 2018 at 8:55 am #248457
Hi Talah- First of all, that was a very kind thing for you to do- to go visit your ex after he’d been brutally beat up. The fact that your boyfriend was ‘furious and angry’ about you doing this kind act is a huge red flag. I know you love your boyfriend, but his behavior toward you does not sound very loving. I don’t know all the details here of course, but it sounds like your boyfriend is kind of controlling and harsh. Perhaps that’s why your ex is on your mind.
Maybe you should ask yourself this: when you were dating your ex , how did he usually make you feel? If it was good, do you feel AS GOOD with your current boyfriend as you did with your ex? If the answer is no, it may be time to move on.November 25, 2018 at 8:37 am #248455
I’m very sorry. I’ve been in and out of India my whole life, so I know what you’re talking about -although sadly, patriarchy and abuse is not limited to just Indian society!
Do you have friends at school that you are close to? What about relatives? I know you might not want to tell them about the abuse, but would it be possible for you to spend more time with relatives and work and do activities at their house? Only so you’re not around your parents that much. What are your plans after graduation? Is there anything that you really want to do, and can you try to put your mind on that?
I found a link for this organization- it’s in India- and I think they have a lot of counsellors you can talk to for free.November 25, 2018 at 8:12 am #248451
I’m glad I could help! Good luck to you 🙂November 24, 2018 at 8:57 pm #248393
I think we all consider security when looking at careers- it’s difficult not to. The problem is when job security becomes the only considered factor. That ends up creating a lot of anxiety, and an anxious state is the worst kind for making decisions.
Are you making videos right now? If not, you can start doing that just for fun, and just the process of it might soothe your anxiety. You don’t have to think about the money- just enjoy the process of making the video. And it’s a common belief that artists/creatives don’t make any money. But if you think about it, film/TV are very large industries, so all those people working in it must be bringing in a paycheck somehow. How do you feel about finding some people in the videography (correct term?) field to talk with? Just a chat- you can consider it an exploration. You might even find an amateur group/meetups, and just enjoy doing that. If you really do like some aspects of medicine, perhaps you can even consider combining your knowledge of the field with your video editing skills.
From what you’ve written, I think that aside from finding your niche, you really need some simple enjoyment and fun in your life. It might even help to take a short trip (or plan one for the future) to clear your head. Hope this helps 🙂November 24, 2018 at 8:02 pm #248381
Hi Nikkole- maybe the answer is as simple as asking yourself, what do you LIKE to do? What made you go into nursing? Did you enjoy studying biology and anatomy? What kind of activities do you do enjoy doing when you’re on your own? I think that every human being is meant to do work that expresses their deepest passions/desires/wants. So, what do you exactly want? If you don’t know, you might want to think about what you were like as a child, what kind of activities and games that you gravitated toward. And, lastly, what makes you jealous when it comes to other people? THAT might actually give you some indication as to your life path. For example, at one point I found myself getting envious of women around my age who were publishing debut novels- which of course that I was repressing the desire to create my own novel!
If you give this some hard thought (and feeling!) I’m sure you’ll arrive at the right answer for you.November 23, 2018 at 9:46 am #245609
I know you’ve probably heard this before, but I think the only way out is through. Grief is natural, especially around this time, and it’s just something that you’ll feel until…one day you won’t feel it anymore. Maybe knowing that will help you out- when you’re in the middle of grief, it feels like it will never end. But realize that it will, maybe even sooner than you think. It’s all temporary. I don’t know where you live- I’m in NYC and I find that during the holidays, just taking in the pleasures of looking at holiday lights or enjoying hot chocolate makes me feel better. It sounds cheesy, but maybe you can even say it loud to yourself- “Those lights are so gorgeous, I’m so grateful that I can see them right now…” And it might get you out of your head. It’s our heads and the thoughts that cause all the trouble. 🙂November 18, 2018 at 5:14 pm #238305
I think the topic of your question is telling- you chose the words, “Do I Need to Cut Ties with this Sketchy Guy?” You consider him sketchy, and judging from your description of the interactions with him, you are very correct. So, in being correct, the question you need to ask yourself is, what long-term good would come from maintaining ties with someone sketchy? If the interactions with him have caused this much heartache up to now, what would happen further down the road with more interactions? It would not get better, for sure. The other question you need to ask is- why do you have this belief that a man who behaves this way is worth your time or mental energy?
You said you’re holding onto hope that he will redeem himself- from the description of his personality it sounds like you’re hoping he might become someone other than who he is. That probably won’t happen. Or it might if he has some kind of life-altering experience- but by that time, if it happens, you will have already moved on.
Maya Angelou had some great advice which should always be kept in mind, but admittedly can be hard to follow: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This man has shown you who he is.November 16, 2018 at 6:24 pm #238119
I feel for you Julissa. I’ve been on that rollercoaster too! I know you feel like therapy wasn’t helping, but the right therapist can be a godsend. I didn’t find the right one until my third try and it was totally worth it. But aside from therapy, it might help to find an activity that distracts you from your emotions temporarily- so you can deal with them later. And when you deal with them later, they may actually not feel as intense as before. Like a physical activity- going to yoga really helped me. Or learning a language- another activity that helps, because you’re so focused on rules and pronunciation and ‘left brain’ stuff that the right emotional brain can rest for a bit. Duolingo is a really fun way to learn, if you’re interested in that. Meditation is another activity that works, though for me, mantra meditation has always worked better than silent meditation.
And as for forgetting meds, can you use a timer as a reminder, or ask friend/family members to remind you? Who knows, maybe another type of medication would work better if you wanted to look into that. Hope this helps.