There are a lot of things that I feel unsatisfied with the last two years.
The first would be my job.  I work in a competitive environment with women. When I first arrived, I wanted friends badly. I am more shy…either way, despite my best efforts I didn’t grow close with anyone. So, my job is solitary. No positive social interactions or meeting new people/friends. It is pretty lucrative and flexible, which is why I have stayed. On the other hand, this job is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO FAR from my personality and I just dread it. It makes me depressed, which I work with through accepting my job, being grateful, expecting improvements,etc. but this is a daily battle 🙂
I always thought, my job would fine if I just had friends to balance out its negativity, but despite my best efforts…I somehow didn’t make any positive friends? Things kept happening where I would meet just bad people, which further drained my energy.
The only happiness this job brings me is afterwards, financially. And to show up, I feel I need to be happy because otherwise I feel frozen by sadness. All I have wanted was to enjoy my day before work (I work evenings) and I just feel so unsatisfied.

Example: Previously I had the perfect morning routine. Workout at my lovely, quiet apartment gym every morning. This would center me no matter what.

Now, the only gym I take interest is in a little much over budget. So, I have been exercising outdoors for the longest. I don’t necessarily enjoy it, esp because if I feel down I don’t want to be seen in public but there is no where close where I would have solitude. On the days I feel good, I force myself to workout outside. On the days I feel sad, I know in my heart this routine is not fulfilling but I need to workout everyday.

I have tried to switch it up, and I am always trying to think optimistic. I have gone on hikes, to the beach alone, etc. It is not sustainable for everyday workouts and its just too much.

So this has been a problem daily- waking up wanting to workout, not being happy  about having to do it outside- either convince myself and do it, do yoga inside, etc. either way it’s not fulfilling.

I always thought if I had friends then we could hike together, beach together. Or if I had my gym it wouldn’t matter.

Anyway, sometimes it feels something is working against me despite thinking optimistic and genuinely thinking my day is going to go well.

Example 1 : I woke up sad and unsatisfied today, knowing I would have to work and that my day would have no enjoyment..just routine. Workout outside, come home, blah blah.

Someone invited me to hike,  I happily said yes. The plans got tarnished by my first ride being cancelled, and then my phone died before the 2nd got to me..so I had to walk home. In the end, it was too late to hike.

Example 2: I am excited to work to make money. (I have to build myself up all day) I am ready to go in, and a sibling comes over dumping all of their problems which throws me off emotionally and time wise. Now I don’t want to work, I want to de-stress. When on another day, I could have no interruptions.

It just seems like everything is purposely getting in my way, throwing me off. I try my best EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Not a single day I have given up totally on myself. I am here, thinking positive, putting in effort- so why do I keep getting tripped up? What’s with the bad luck? I feel so depressed I don’t want to work again