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- This topic has 15 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
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November 28, 2018 at 9:16 am #263547iamzenParticipant
For an entire year I have been engaging in an emotional affair with my “Straight” co worker. After telling her I was interested in women our relationship became extremely flirtatious. The sexual chemistry we have is undeniable and I believe that has affected the work environment. For some reason I feel lead on by her actions although I knew nothing will ever come from our relationship. She has a family (3 kids, boyfriend) and I am currently in a long distance relationship. But, for some reason I cant shake the feelings of wanting her attention or sexual pleasure. Yesterday, I told her that I could no longer be in this friendship to make her comfortable and I question if I made the right decision. Maybe I should have suppressed my feelings to make everything easier? I don’t know but now I regret saying it. She told me that I really hurt her feelings and blocked me from reaching out to her. Am I wrong for ending the friendship ? How should I handle this situation moving forward?
November 28, 2018 at 10:46 am #266241AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
Reads to me that you made the right decision: for a whole year the two of you actively participated in an affair that included romantic and sexual elements. I don’t think it would have been possible for you to have suppressed your feelings because she flirted with you and likely to have continued to do so, encouraging those feelings you would be trying to suppress.
Moving forward, keep a working-only relationship with her, is my advice.
anita
November 29, 2018 at 5:27 am #266627iamzenParticipantAnita,
thank you for your advice. I’m beginning to feel bad about my decision. How do you suggest I deal with feelings of uncertainty?
November 29, 2018 at 5:38 am #266629AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
Can you state exactly what it is that you are uncertain about?
Also, you wrote: “our relationship became extremely flirtatious. The sexual chemistry we have is undeniable”- can you give me a couple or few examples of her flirtatious or sexual-chemistry talk/ behavior?
anita
November 29, 2018 at 6:31 am #266713iamzenParticipantWell, she was my first close friend I made at my current job and now I feel disconnected from work. Im also feeling anxious because I want to reach out to her and ask if we can just be friends again but I doubt that’ll be for the best.
Also, these are a few examples:
One day we were sitting in a conference meeting and she grabbed my hand under the table and held it for a few seconds ( I was completely confused).
In October we attended a business trip and she kissed me which lead to a make out session. But the next day she acted like nothing ever happened between us.
November 29, 2018 at 6:48 am #266729AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
I see why you put quotation marks around Straight in the first line of your original post referring to your co worker. “she kissed me which lead to a make out session” is evidence to me that she is not on the straight ending of the straight-to-Lesbian spectrum. And so, the friendship was partially a physical, sexual affair. One make out session makes it so. Problem is, “the next day she acted like nothing ever happened between us”.
But something did happen.
Friends do talk about something that did happen, don’t they? But you never talked about it. I’d say, if you were to reconnect with her, talk about it, share, explain, figure out what it was and what it is that is between the two of you. What about bringing this up to her?
anita
November 29, 2018 at 6:59 am #266731iamzenParticipantI brought it up to her but she was a little dismissive about it. She told me that she doesn’t like talking about What happened between us because it makes it easier to forget and I’m the complete opposite. I’m extremely emotional and need to talk about how I’m feeling to feel better
November 29, 2018 at 7:30 am #266757AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
How can you possibly be Zen (in your username), if you can’t talk about significant things happening in a relationship, be it a friendship or otherwise. Let’s say you resume a friendship with her, next time something significant happens, do you wait to see if she decides retroactively if it happened or not?
I understand that you are lonely at work and that you have a long distance relationship, so you need something close. How is the long distance relationship?
anita
November 29, 2018 at 7:46 am #266773iamzenParticipantI am able to talk about everything that happened between us but she isn’t. I’m always open for discussing how I feel but when you have people who avoid their feelings the situation gets complicated.
After i mentioned maybe after some space between us we could possibly be friends again she blocked me from her phone.
My my long distance is going good. I just miss being able to see my gf everyday and that can really be frustrating.
November 29, 2018 at 8:24 am #266791AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
She blocked you, meaning she is not there for a friendship or anything else. So your uncertainty is a mute issue, correct, meaning it doesn’t matter if you are uncertain about a friendship with her because there is none and she made a clear move of letting you know that she has no intent to have one with you.
Unless she forgets that it happened tomorrow, like she did the kissing, do you think? And then unblocks you?
I don’t know the circumstances of your long distance relationship, but you do need a close distance relationship.
anita
November 29, 2018 at 5:01 pm #266933iamzenParticipantYeah. I’m sure she will eventually unblock me because she has done all of this before. I often question why are my feelings so strong for this person if I knew nothing would come from the relationship.
but, yes i agree. Long distance relationships aren’t my thing.
November 30, 2018 at 8:22 am #267055AnonymousGuestDear iamzen:
If your long distance relationship is not going to change soon, maybe you should end it so to avail yourself to a short distance relationship.
Regarding this woman, “why are my feelings so strong for this person”- the answer could be something as simple as why I feel so strongly about melted chocolate- I had wonderful experiences eating melted or melting chocolate, the taste, the texture, it felt so good. So ever since I feel strongly about melted chocolate, have a desire for it. I know it is fattening, but I still want it.
anita
December 3, 2018 at 10:58 pm #267675BakedbeanParticipantDear Imazen
I may be able to clarify why your feelings are so strong. She is out of reach. Emotionally unavailable. She has given in to lust and in doing so, has confused your emotions. This intensifies them. You deserve more. You deserve a person in your life to hold close and who will openly discuss their emotions. That is what emotionally available looks like.
Start be being open to that possibility.
Bean
December 4, 2018 at 7:03 am #267697iamzenParticipantAnita,
Thank you, that was a great analogy and It helped me understand my feelings a little better.
December 4, 2018 at 7:07 am #267699iamzenParticipantDear Bean,
I find it ironic you said that. A few weeks ago my therapist asked me why was I so interested in being in complicated situations where people are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes it confuses me that I continue to attract these type of people but I believe this is sign that I need to top and look at the energy I am putting out.
iamzen
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