Hi John,

I have not posted on here in a long while but I read your posts and you remind me alot of me. Most people have been where you are.

You have had lots of really good advice on here so the only two things I would add are (and please take these in the positive way I mean them) its not nice to see someone suffer or suffer yourself. I do know how it feeels.

1) nothing will change unless you do. I know its hard and it sucks and its not fair and its painful and your mind seems to bring up the amazing times with your ex just to spite you. But going down that rabbit hole only lead to crying, upset and more grief. Your ex would not want that for you.

You seem to be struggling with the thoughts a is very easy to do. I have been in therapy and have started a low dose of antidepressents. This made my feelings feel less overwhelming and so I could make more of my days. This may help you. Online counselling or face to face may really help you make sense of why this loss has hit you like it has. There is no shame in it, and it may be linked back to your childhood and wanting (but not getting) certain needs/feelings met that your ex met for a while. I think Anita mentioned about your childhood and my therapist has linked my inabilty to let go as to that too. It takes work. Alot of work.

3) you may want to back and change things but the painful thing is you cant. No amount of should, would, could can change that. I fell into this trap too eg if only I did this or that and beat myself up about it. This was partly because I didnt know any better (an negativity is so hard to escape from) but also because i didnt want to live really. I was just existing and pining for someone who didnt want me.  You are the person you are, and shd is the person she is, and those two people no matter how much they loved each other at the time, just arent meant to be right now. But its not all your fault. Saying i wish i could of done that and this, is like being a child and saying i wish i have a phd or i can drive or whatever.. the child is, at its current stage, sinply unable to do those things. Not because the child is bad or rubbish or a failure, but because the child hasnt learnt the skills yet or its not the right time. You are where you are, and that HAS to be okay. I know this as I spent a LONG time wishing things were different and I had done x,y and z. The reality was, i didnt. But thats just life, everyone has regrets.

Also, your ex may still care for you. You cant be in a relationship or sleep with someone without seeing thier soul and you seeing theirs. That connection is always there if you see them. But its painful and not good for you to see them (as right now from your messages, it only hurts). I try and deal with this by thinking mentally “x is dead to me” it sounds harsh but its trying to get my brain to accept I will never speak to him again or see him. The heart hopes. The heart is optimistic but the heart is wrong in this case. You kind of need to get rid of all hope so you can move in. Your ex has moved on. That doesnt take away what you had at all, its just a new chapter for both of you, like Brav3, its a (unwanted) opportunity to grow.

I think faith helps in that you could see it as part of a master plan or whatnot, but im not sure i believe in that. I do believe that we are who we are and are all trying our best and that we can only focus on what we do each day.

Also, your exs life seems amazing on paper ans she is probably happy, but she still has to get up each day, face challenges and good thigs happening and go to bed and do it all again the next day, eg she has the same 24 hours as you and also faces her own challenges. It helped me to see this as it showed me how much i was wasting my time moping and being sad when I could be making a more productive use of my day.

Also, you have made progress from reading your inital posts to now. You really have. Every day is a fight, but you ARE winning.