nextstep.  thank you for your input.  A lot of what you said makes perfect sense.  It’s just me being able to drive that through my brain.

I dont know the answer to that, but i think it could be more about wanting to FEEL and to feel GOOD or at least intense about something as everything else is kinda numb.. is that the same for you?

Kind of.  of coarse I want to feel good and have that intense feeling.  Who wouldn’t.  Bottom line though is that I miss her tremendously.  It’s been killing me these last couple days.  I really feel like i’m just starting to grieve all over again.  I don’t understand how it’s been a year later, and to me it feels like yesterday.

I’ve been having so many thoughts come and go.  Been trying to just let them go by or  on a shelf.  It feels like in the last couple weeks i’ve been having to many more triggers than normal.  I don’t know if because in a week is when she supposedly met her new man, or because of xmas and I am reminded of our first xmas together.  We didn’t actually spend xmas together, the weekend before.  But just the thought she put into things for me was  incredible.  Really made me feel special.

Then, I know Im not supposed to do this, I think about her boyfriend.  What makes him so freaking special?  I will start to think,” I wonder if she flaked or flakes out on him like she had done with me before?”  I wonder if she treats him like he is number one?  I wonder how the hell she could fall so in love with the first guy she met after me?   How can she have just forgotten us and moved on so fast?….   UGH!.   I trying my hardest to let all this shit just pass through my brain.  I really need to find some time to read up on all of BRAV’s posts.  I hope that will help.

I know i should let those thoughts go and I have no control and will never know answers.  That doesn’t mean that those questions and thought don’t come into my mind though.

I  hate it.  I hate that i’m still letting her control my life.  Another example is this moon globe thing.  She absolutely loves the moon and I bought her this little globe that would light up on a stand.  She loved it.  Well i was on FB yesterday and guess what popped up for sale, the same type thing, except you could have a silhouette of a picture put on it and a phrase on the backside.  That was awesome.  almost made me cry seeing that.

I really think that my life now has contributed to a lot  of how I’m feeling.   I think the fact that I have been “grounded” in a sense and am pretty much facing the responsibility of racing a family and supporting my girlfriend and her kids.  (she is quitting her job so she can be home more, which is good.  But unfortunately the next job she got is a considerable pay cut).  I am all for it and supporting her about this decision.  But that means things will get a lot tighter on money.  However she will be home every night and only working 4 days a week.  Which is awesome!  it will remove a lot of stress and resentment for me.

Then thoughts come in about my ex’s life.  Is she living the time of her life?  Are her dreams of what she has been wanting to do for a few years finally coming true.  All these things that I was waiting for that seemed to plague her, she has now done and is past.   on and off through our relationship, she always said how she hated her workplace anymore, well she found a new job.  She always felt down on herself for how she was kind of a packrat about her bedroom and stuff.  She took care of that.  She had a hard time getting out and doing things with friends.  She does that now too.  And lastly, she hated living at her house.  The place that her and her ex raised her kids.  It was a constant reminder of her past.  Well she recently sold her house, so that is better too.  These were all things that hurt me to see hurt her.  And all I wanted was to help her past that so we could enjoy our life more, with out all the negativity of her past life getting in the way.  Now…  She finally has done that and it feels like i’m living her old life.  How ironic is that?

When she used to talk to me about these things.  I would tell her, ” I wish I could take all this away, carry all this pain for  you so you could be happy”.  She told me never to wish that because it could happen.  If anything, wish for it all just to go away.  Well I think it did happen.  Because it’s like now, I dwell on my ex and her boyfriend. (she hated her ex-husbands girlfriend she referred to her as the whore), I can’t look at anything without it triggering emotions just like she hated seeing everything around her house and being in it.  It’s crazy.

I go through these emotions and feelings of despair, hurt, resentment, hope, and lots more.  Then i begin to hate her for what she did, and I hate him for sweeping in and taking my girlfriend away.  Sometimes i think that if she wouldn’t of met him, that we would of had a second real chance at repairing our relationship.

I know, can’t dwell on the could of, should of, what if things.  Can’t help it when those thoughts run through my brain.  Then i will think, just need to be patient.  I need to wait her relationship with him to fail and then maybe…   I hate that i think those things so freaking much.  I seriously do have a problem.  I really do need to take charge of my own life and quit worrying about the past or the future.

So….    I decided. I’m going to have a weekend with my girlfriend.  Going to arrange for her kids to be somewhere and get away for a weekend.  We’ve never done that.  All good, got kids taken care of, found a cabin to rent for two nights about an hour away.  So where does my idiotic brain go.  Instantly to the ole memories bank.  Remembered when I took my ex away to the coast, rented a beach house.  It was only about 3-4 months into our relationship.  We had the best time ever.  So many wonderful memories from that weekend.  DAMNIT!…

How do I have memories like that and just be happy for them without feeling depressed?

I will read up on Brav’s posts soon.  I’m excited to learn.  I hope i do.

for now, just going to try to get by day by day…