Anita,

I understand how the affirmations should work the way you explained it, without the need for evidence because the belief that i’m worthless is not supported with evidence.

I  asked myself the question who does it serve for me to feel worthless? It only serves to facilitate the cycle of consumption where a person feels worthless>coping with consumption (i.e. drugs, sex, overeating, material things etc.)>effects wear off & the cycle restarts.

I think what i need is to intervene in this cycle with compassion instead of consumption. When i feel worthless is when i make decisions that will continue to support that belief because I lack the compassion for myself to let myself feel worthy, to feel deserving of love, to feel important to others & the planet. Instead i’m very hard on myself and think of myself as unneeded and a drain on others (consumption mindset where i take and am non-generative).

I think above all else i feel worthless because i feel unimportant and disconnected. These intense feelings of disconnection are not unique to me either, society sells us a lie that we are alien from each-other and our planet when in fact we ARE our environment and live in symbiotic relationships with it.

This is where im getting hung up, as much as i’ve read up on buddhism and listened to hours of Alan Watts lectures on this topic of the false sense of self, i could never grasp the concept on a feeling level until lately. I realize that you are as much me as i you, and the trees, and the animals. Being able to feel this non-duality is of course difficult because of our egos. This is leading me to believe i can find this connection i’ve been searching for for so long right here alone with my “self” because i have fooled myself with the help of society and ego into believing im disconnected from this world i live in. I’ve been thinking on this concept more and more the last few weeks, and find that it might be the single most important topic for me to understand.

So i have been thinking to myself how can i live in a way that i’m more connected. Socially i still struggle with feeling like a burden because i cant see the ways in which i give love as legitimate. I forget how good it makes me feel when someone trusts me enough to ask for help. When i’m unaware that being vulnerable and asking for help is beneficial for everyone involved, I wont ask for help. I also forget i’m not alone when it comes to my anxieties and that seeking to help others will help me feel connected and worthy.

I try to conserve and use at little amount of resources i can, but i think i can do more for the planet. I think coming up with a way to care for the natural places i love to visit might be a way for me to live in a more connected way with nature. I love growing plants for this reason because the fruits are a product of love and my connection to the plant.

Lastly i need to check in with myself more often and work on being more mindful of the non-dualistic reality. I think meditation could be good for reconnecting with myself. Reminding my self that feelings and thoughts are just as much a part of me as my arms and legs and my entire nervous system, they are one not separate.

My hope is that through the mind-body connection I can help regulate my mood better and stop going through such intense cycles of up and down. Im sure none of this is new to you, me either, I think with me I need to be reminded of this connection when i feel down, and writing about it here and being able to come back and re read it is a good way to do that.