Anita

Me and you are the same page. I saw this holiday break in the same way, an opportunity to observe myself and family functioning. I have noticed a few things after being here for a few days.

In relation to my father, we have been working in his garage rebuilding my old car, he is limited to rolling around the garage in an office chair because of his injury. This definitely helps me feel safer around him that he’s injured because he can go from playful to a fit of rage in seconds it seems. When I was 16 and he punched me and knocked me out, it all started because we had a disagreement on what method to use to fix a part. I’ve noticed that he is very rigid in his thinking about how things should be done and when I accomplish a task using a different method than what he would’ve he’s humbled, but he is resistant to letting me try things the way I want to do them first, so i still appease him by following his instructions, mostly out of fear he will lose self control. I used to believe he was a good teacher but a good teacher doesn’t do the work for their students or else they will never learn, instead i realized I’m good at learning through observation and self teaching. Most of my growth with my mechanical skills came at times when he was absent. I’ve also noticed he is extremely anxious, injured sitting in a chair watching me work how I want is like torture to him, he will overload me with multiple sets of instructions or tasks because of his own anxiety when I tend to work more methodically and organized. His overly cluttered garage and house are a direct representation of the inside of his mind it seems. Me and my sister became minimalist once we moved from the chaos of our childhood home. I suspect both my parents anxiety is why I became so “quiet” because there was no room for my worries in the family. I also think with my dad in particular his inability to sit with himself is directly related to his anger outbursts over the years. I had to tell him yesterday “dad I do things differently than you, i dont move as fast, I do t have as much as experience, and I need this opportunity to learn for myself and I’ll ask for your help when I need it. This is also an opportunity for you to learn how to give up control” he was kind of taken back by that statement and hasn’t been as demanding around me since. I probably wouldn’t have said that if he wasn’t injured though, because I know he cant physically hurt me right now.

My sister is the matriarch of our family she is the most punctual, prepared, and mentally stable out of all of us. I love being around my sister we still chase each other around the house like kids. My sister knows how to be  critical in a caring way, when my sister questions my actions it doesn’t feel the same as my mom or dad, I think because my sister trusts me that I will figure things out, my mom and dad are beginning to be more like that but still subtly treat me like I dont know anything about living life. I think “if you all have the secret of living why are you so miserable?” Its so confusing being around adults who don’t practice what they preach, I can only imagine how confused I was as a child. I feel for my sister she doesn’t stand up to my parents like I do, she keeps the peace but it costs her.

My mom has expressed to me that she is proud of me for how I’ve changed this year, she didn’t understand why i stopped talking to her months back but she gets it now as shes been having issues with feeling Shamed by my grandmother. She didn’t realize she spreads her inner guilt and shame to me and my sister by saying things like “y’all need to go see you’re grandmother” while we already planning on seeing her, until me and my sister made my mom aware she was projecting. My mom seems more peaceful than I can ever remember and I believe it’s because she has been forced to look at herself, she doesn’t overstep her boundaries with me and my sister as much and is less co trolling.

Overall it seems my family dynamic has been flipped on its head with me and my sister being the adults and my parents slowly detaching from their controlling ways as they are forced to clean out their own closets they no longer have me and my sister to use as scapegoats for their stresses.

I’ve been focusing on breathing this week and being present. Its allowed me to not get sucked into my parents anxieties and focus on taking care of myself. I’ve also been trying to stay present to keep women and loneliness off my mind but it still comes up and torments me in my dreams. I woke up this morning and sobbed for a while after having a dream about a girl I have been interested in and went on a date with last week. You said something that stuck with me in this thread something like “just because one woman didn’t love you (mom) doesn’t mean no one can” I’ve been worried that I’ll never be able to be close enough to a woman to live with her, or that I wont be able to tolerate having a roommate again. I think that same logic applies just because I wasn’t able to be healthy living in my childhood home with my parents doesn’t mean I’m not able to live with a woman or other people and be healthy and have healthy relationships