Dear Anita,

Thank you for creating the space for me to describe my current relationship with her.

Over the summer she was at home with my parents, I did not hear about her distress everyday, as she knew that it was not something I wanted to hear about.  But as it goes, it does not matter if someone TELLS you what is going on in their life, their dysfunction is the result.  Thus, over the summer one day while she was living with my parents, she had a terrible breaking point.  I drove from my in laws (where I was staying before vacation like I mentioned) and met her, and helped her “get back on track.” It was a mixture of tough love, hope, and pep talk. Along the lines of “you can do it” but you have to “toughen up” and believe in yourself.  The acute issue was her passing an exam (that she failed the first time as she was unable to focus being around my parents) and getting a job so she could move out, and the overall was her feeling extremely depressed and hopeless.  This is not the first time I have had to do something like this.  It is natural for me.  But you know what, I have felt the same as well.  Us growing up in this toxic household we all felt like that often.  But, I have now chosen a “different” life – she is still stuck.

Anyway, when I am driving back from this “intervention” – I feel only what someone on the path would be able to understand.  I feel my entire body and brain scream out – as though it has been poisoned.  Here I was enjoying a week at my in laws in peace, and this felt like a HUGE set back.  Why? One would say – why is it a set back, you were helping your sister, she has the problem not you.  But no, as you understand, it became my problem, it became my being.  I felt so tense I felt I could snap, and was shaking.  I immediately noticed I was feverishly biting my nails (a nervous and anxious habit I left a long time ago, and is a huge indication of unease for me).  I arrived home, and from that moment forward I transferred all this negative and tense energy onto my husband.  of course – it is subconscious, and especially with what we have been through with my mother he is quite keen and aware of my energy.  So its 2 am, and I am tossing and turning and so is he.  It is about 4 days before our epic month trip, and instead we should be relaxing and thinking about that.  Well, should isn’t really exactly the right term.  Anyway, he also snaps at that moment – and we are both laying there feeling like – wow it never ends does it.  We have 2 months off as doctors at the same exact time – so hard to coordinate! we are about to depart on our belayed honeymoon, and finally enjoy time to ourselves (as you know how tainted everything from the proposal to wedding was – no need to explain) and here I am, but moreover, HE is sitting there feeling terrible.

So of course, then I feel angry. I feel angry at my sister, feel angry at my parents for harassing and torturing her to no end and contributing to her breakdown, feel angry at myself for pushing all these feelings onto my husband, and then feel angry at my husband for no reason at all.  I feel so angry and frustrated that I literally could snap and explode.  over the next few days my sister felt better and motivated, and i left for my trip knowing she would pass her exam and find a way – as I had guided her and she does have the capability deep down inside.  I am also sitting there and thinking “wow, I am not judging her – but if getting out of that house is not motivating what is? if i had failed the exam that first time, I would do ANYTHING in my power to pass that second time and find an independent path for myself.  Yet, she needs me to remind her that and put her on track. it is hard for her to focus I know, but somehow I feel that the courage to find a way out of that demon place should make her excel and rise above We are different, but she is battered and troubled and dealing with severe anxiety.  The effects my mother had on her are in many ways worse than me, so I can not blame her per se, but she needs major help.  At least for now I hopefully got her back on track.”

I fast forward to the trip, it was truly enjoyable and I was not in communication with anyone outside a few random emails here and there.  We were able to enjoy the trip without outside problems, and it was a platform for me to practice what we talk about is most important – focus on myself and future family.

So we return around thanksgiving.  My sister is pleased to say she passed her exam, and now is looking for jobs.  she had a terrible time at home, and was using all sorts of escapes to get away from my parents as much as she could.  hanging out with anyone possible (even if she didn’t love the company), trying to find hobbies, all sorts of things.  she finds a job in nyc finally.  I am happy for her, but nervous about her being so close as well.  We are as close as could be and have lots of fun together, yet she triggers me in a way that I can not describe.  That you have described so well in the past – that even if she doesn’t do something it is triggering, as it is the pattern of our history and interaction.

So now we are in the present, I had another intervention with her last week.  More of a sit down and lets talk things out type of thing.  I mentioned to her that we do not have a strong foundation of love and stability given our parents.  She has been going to therapy and has a lot of insight on this too.  So we talk about how seeking distractions and escapism will not lead to any change or growth..  And instead, she has to face her fears head on, and focus on wholesome people and activities.  — to be continued below

Also, I have a wonderful family now, my husband and his family.  And they have always been very welcomming to my family (parents always but thats the past) and sister current.  In fact, my mother in law knows a lot of what went on at my parents house over the summer and stated that if my sister  ever needed support or a place to stay she is always welcome.  The holidays are a time where my family was always invited to theirs..  My sister joined my husband and I for their big family party this past Saturday, it was loads of fun, and she knows all the cousins very well.

So in short, it I guess feels that I am “sharing” my wholesome stable family with her, since she does not have her own.  I am making her apart of it, I am spreading that support and love – not just of myself but of my husband and his parents.  I guess I believe since it has helped me and is a positive influence, it will be for her.

So after this intervention above, that you read, and this holiday part on Saturday.  the plan was to go to my in laws for xmas eve/day.  I assumed she would come with us, as who else would she spend time with? not my crazy parents? and she lives in nyc where she is new.

She informs me that coming to my in laws will be triggering for her and she does not want to come.  I say I understand, but tell her it will be a positive environment and its just us, not a party.  She mentions that her whole life it has always been about me.  She only sees the world through my eyes (background ever since she was a little girl, I would always take her out with my friends, and bring her, and have her experience things) – she says she wants to also start building her own life, and learn to experience nyc on her own.  I totally understaand this, and in fact during the intervention I had stressed to her the importance of building her own identity and life..

but..I say – this is Christmas, you have all the time in the world to do that, but on a holiday like this it should be spent with loved ones, and you have us (my husband is like an older brother to her in many ways).  She then says how she will be spending time with a friend (random person she just met) and this new guy shes kind of dating.  she states that she didn’t want to tell me about him as she doesn’t know where it is going to go.

I accept it.

We are at Xmas, and my in laws ask where she is.  I make up an excuse.  They even have a gift ready for her, and I say I’ll have her open it when I get back.  They are not annoyed at all, just slightly confused as to why she is not there – also knowing how much she is in need of “support and familly.” On the drive back, my husband was visibly frustrated.  It was Christmas Day, and I had a feeling why.  So we begin to talk about it.  He states (not in these exact terms) that he is disappointed and annoyed with my sister.  That all we do is constantly go out on a limb for her, find her support and resources and all, but she does whatever she wants..  That it was silly and stupid to go hang out with random people on Xmas especially after all she has been through recently, and thinking she understood the value of true support.  not to mention how he felt it was disrespectful to his parents (not because they were at all affected) but because he is sick and tired of himself and his parents constantly helping my family.  of course he was angry, but he is right Anita.  He is Absolutely right.

I spend the rest of the day yesterday feeling awful, almost as bad as I did those weeks before I went no contact with my mom.  I felt angry at my sister for being such an immature flake, but also understanding that she is lost and wants to find her way.  I felt angry at myself for allowing yet another aspect of my family ruin a nice relaxing day.  I felt angry at myself for getting consumed by others.  i have a friend S, her sister is in a terrible marriage with no end in sight, yet S – lives her OWN life.  She doesn’t suffer for her sister day in and day out.  She lives her own life.

But I don’t.  I don’t even know how to.  I know where it stems from.  My mother did not teach us love, shes taught us enmeshment.  She equated boundaries and personal space as selfishness.  She taught me it was my job to make her happy and save her,and make her life better.  Well the same goes with my sister..  From a young age she made it known that my sister  was unhappy and didn’t have a good life, so I, being the functional, likable, popular one, should guide my sister.  I should uplift her.  This was no fault of my sister, as it started before she even knew.  Of course as she got older, she built a life of her own – but in many ways not entirely – look at the example of the intervention before my vacation.  this has happened countless times, having to call her directors to speak with them about allowing her some personal days off.  feeling like I should fly to the other side of the country because she states she felt suicidal.  helping her find a psychiatrist, list goes on – all things a sister “should” do.  but it is all encompassing. perhaps i am disappointed that after all that, the sit down with her last week and everything, she still decides to be hasty and didn’t learn a thing.  it is not about Christmas, it is about priorities.  which she does not have.  she has no foundation or priorities.

I know why, it is this toxic upbringing..  She has made so much progress, and we both have awareness about our mother we never had.  But perhaps thats not enough..  She is not me.  I perhaps assume she has the courage, capability, and awareness of myself – but she does not.  I must accept that.

and perhaps it is becoming clearer and clearer – I can not make her better or teach her.  Perhaps I have to let her go.  Perhaps – I can not help her.  Perhaps she is not “helpable” – yes maybe not at all.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.