Dear Lara,

Anita’s response is absolutely spot-on about your inner critic.  But there is more to your situation than meets the eye —  I went through the exact same thought process as you did after my fall, and I have since learned a lot about how physical pain, even if not severe, can put fear in the driver’s seat.  After I fell, I got up and thought I was OK.  I pampered and rested and bought myself a brace for several months and then started gentle exercise to improve my strength.  I had nagging pain at times, but convinced myself that it would resolve.  And maybe it would have with enough time, but then I fell again.  With enough pain limiting my daily activities, I finally made an appointment with an orthopedic specialist who told me that I probably had age related issues in my knee that were not fixable and that I would have to modify my activities.  Which really means modify my life and who I am — quite a terrifying thought!  He offered me steroid shots to relieve the pain, which he then ridiculed me for refusing!  If I wasn’t willing to take the shot in my knee, I must not be in that much pain (obviously I am a hypochondriac).  But I was scared to start any treatment without knowing what was wrong.  I understand the emotional rollercoaster!

At that moment, I finally realized that my fears, swinging wildly from fear of being a hypochondriac to fear of being permanently disabled by my own stupidity, prevented me from getting good information about my knee.  So I swallowed hard, worried I would piss off the doctor (who already thought I was a hypochondriac), and asked for an MRI.  When the MRI came back, that same doctor had to call me and tell me that I had blown my knee so badly that he wasn’t willing to do surgery!  It’s important to recognize that not all doctors are knee experts and not even all knee experts are going to get it right.  That uncertainty makes the process even more challenging, but in our complex health care system where doctors see a different patient every 20 minutes, you have to be your own health care advocate if you want to make decisions based on knowledge instead of fear.

I had to face my fear of permanent disability (at least I was down to only one, more rational fear based on the MRI), and I was finally able to move forward by gathering a lot of information on surgical options and probable outcomes.  Ironically, the surgeon who did take my case reported that during surgery he found that part of the MRI interpretation was incorrect!  Uncertainty is guaranteed in this life, even with the best data, and every person’s decision will be different, but my decision to ask for that MRI was based on needing knowledge instead of fear.  Fear is always there, even now after my surgery, but I stopped letting it drive my decisions about my knee.   Take a deep breath, take a hard look at your fears, and try to move forward bravely with whatever path you choose to take in the New Year.  Hang in there!

Dear Lara:

I am combining your previous thread with this one in regard to this post. This is what I understand, and please correct me where I am wrong: you went to the  doctor, afraid the doctor will blame  you for not seeing a doctor right after the  fall. You were also afraid that he will blame you for asking for an MRI.

You wrote to  me: “I just reread my  last post ‘I am not a shy person who never asks for stuff‘ is maybe not  true, it  can be difficult in many cases, too the point that I  usually wiggle my way around asking. I guess what  I  want to say instead was that I am not an innocent wallflower“.

As if asking  for something makes you guilty, and not asking makes you innocent; as if you are a bad person if you ask, not a bad person if you don’t ask.

I think that  you believe that you are a bad person. When your mother told you that other people have bad intentions, suggesting that people are bad (an example you gave in your other thread, you tell her “there was this lady  and she said ‘x’ where ‘x’ for me was  something strange but funny. My mother would automatically be  angry and say ‘how could she say something like that to you!’ always assuming  the worst of people”), she also assumed the worst about her daughter. I don’t think she made an exception for  you.

“And  then there were the times I would  say something  she disagreed with, I don’t have an example there but I certainly remember the  disgusted look she gave  me”- that disgusted  look communicated: you are a bad person for thinking  that way, for feeling that way.

Back to the doctor, I think you were afraid that he will tell you or  suggest to you that you are a bad person for  not going  to the doctor immediately after falling and for asking for an  MRI.

Of course, a person is  not bad  for these things, but the  reason you feel that you are bad for these things is  that your mother was unreasonable,  seeing bad where there was none, so you got confused, thinking there is badness where there  is none, not being able to detect in advance what would be  bad to say or do, and  ruminating retroactively, thinking a lot about what you did that was  bad (but wasn’t).

anita

Dear Lara:

What you experience with doctors is not uncommon. I heard a talk once about the recommendation that a person who needs to see a doctor, because being emotionally affected, should have another person join them when seeing a doctor, an “advocate” it is called, someone to ask the doctors questions, to be able to be calm enough to remember questions that need to be asked and to be calm enough to listen to answers.

It  would  have been helpful if you could have an advocate helping you to make appointments with doctors and most importantly, be present with you when you see a doctor, advocating for you.

anita

Dear Lara:

You are welcome. You wrote that you hope I am doing well, interestingly, two days after I posted to you Jan 2, I hurt my own foot/ankle/leg badly, dropped a part of a tree on my foot, fell and twisted my ankle. It has been over five weeks ago and it still hurts at times. I still limp at times during the day. My foot was significantly bruised and twisted, swollen and the swelling and bruising is not gone completely yet. Didn’t see a doctor, no broken bones I figured, but my goodness, the healing is so slow. This is one more reminder that better be mindful, pay attention daily, throughout the day to what we are doing so to prevent injuries.

anita

Dear Lara:

It is exactly three months since I hurt my foot, it is fine now. I didn’t go to the doctor and looking back it was a good choice. It was ligaments and tendons that got damaged and it took over two months to recover.

How are your knees and your mind these days?

anita