April 9, 2019 at 10:07 am #288289
Frankly it’s not good, the knees got worse. Things are also looking up a bit though: I am getting treatment (hyaloron injections) for one knee and had another MRT this time for the other knee. To keep up with all the appointments I reduced working hours a bit, which I had dreaded, because I didn’t want to appear not in my A-game. But despite all the work resheduling everything is fine and maybe I can remember this for the future, that it’s possible to just say: sorry but this has to happen, how can we make that work with my work shedule?
Still one knee hurts right now, I am sleeping badly (waking up at 3 AM, then awake due to thoughts and knees throbbing until 5 AM +, then sleeping again) and frankly I think I might very slowly be slipping back into depression. I am short tempered but also a bit disconnected. Its not so bad yet but the depression signs are getting more the longer the pain lasts.
Recently I met with my father and I just exploded for little reason. I was telling him my choir would perform “near him” which in my language can also mean more specific “at your house”. And he of course made it into a joke, “what, you will perform at my house”? And I exploded, I was just so tired of allways beeing mocked whenever I let down my guard with him, when I don’t formulate things perfectly. His reaction was “well you know how I am” in that “well I didn’t mean it” voice. But I was just sick and tired of it. The rest of the meeting didn’t go any better, he asked two times what was up and otherwise pretended nothing was the matter. He has tried to call three times but I didn’t answer. I am effectively ghosting him. Someone in another threat said this behavior is imature and I agree, but I don’t know what to do. I have thought about going for
“I” sentences: “sorry I don’t feel well right now so I don’t want to meet at this time. Let’s meet again when I feel better”April 9, 2019 at 10:35 am #288307
Anxiety. Any day when I walk and I feel a pain in my knee, as I do sometimes, I feel that fear. I remember fearing the possibility of having a knee replacement surgery one day. That scares me. Any medical procedure does, any time of being disabled, even if it is for a day. Some nights I don’t sleep well, the night before last I didn’t. What I am saying is that we are in this together, all of us humans. We are all scared.
Every one of us is scared. And we are scared of a lot of the same things. We had bad things happening to us before, but we are scared of bad things yet to happen.
We need to be as mindful as possible, as attentive as we can be, pay attention to the here-and-now, to what we are doing, the choices we are making, so to prevent injuries, and prevent problem otherwise, problems that can be prevented. Otherwise, it is possible to endure the fear itself, to contain it. I am doing this myself so I know it is possible.
In other words, we are all afraid and fear is not going away. It is something we have to live with and we can get better at containing it, not letting it take us for a ride all the way to panic and/ or depression.
One of the ways for us to prevent problems is thoughtfully choose who we interact with, where and how, if at all. How about telling your father: don’t joke with me anymore, don’t try to be funny, say what you mean in a direct, straightforward way. Do you think he may, just maybe accommodate you, and not just for a day, but all the time?
anitaApril 11, 2019 at 9:44 am #288703
thank you for your reply. I don’t think this time it’s anxiety so much (though surely anxiety is allways involved) but rather hopelessness. Six months ago my knees were fine, and then it was steadily downhill with a few ups and downs. I went from someone who considered starting jogging again to someone who won’t go to a concert because the way might be too much for my knees. Maybe I just need more time to adjust to that.But to be fair, today I got my second injection and at least one knee feels much better right now. So maybe things are about to improve.
How about telling your father: don’t joke with me anymore, don’t try to be funny, say what you mean in a direct, straightforward way. Do you think he may, just maybe accommodate you, and not just for a day, but all the time?
I am not sure about this. For one joking is ingrained in him, its his way to connect with people. I do the same thing. So its difficult to draw a line “that joke is okay, that one isn’t”. Saying “no joke is okay” might make things real awkward.April 11, 2019 at 10:57 am #288719
Better walk then jog or run. Fast walking is the best aerobic exercise as far as minimizing pressure on joints, on the knees. You are never off the ground then coming down hard, creating that shock for your knees (and ankles, and hips, I suppose). Interesting, I talked to a 24 year old woman only yesterday. She had a tear in her knee tendon or ligament almost ten years ago. She was playing soccer, another player ran into her, her knee got twisted and she fell. She felt some pain, saw a doctor who gave her an elastic bandage to wear around her knee, she felt better, then worst, then had a surgery to repair that major ligament (or tendon), and ten years later, she sometimes feels pain there, if she walks on cement for too long (walking- and never running- on soft ground is always easier on the knees).
Did you share (I don’t remember at the moment) that you did have an MRI or some other test that would have revealed if you had a torn or damaged ligaments or tendons???
– as far as your father, no joking would make it “real awkward”, but his joking already makes it real awkward for you, I thought. I suppose no contact is an option.
anitaJune 1, 2019 at 5:30 am #296711
Dear anita (and everyone),
I just wanted to let you know that right now things are good. Not perfect but with the hyaloron injections knee No.1 got to a level where normal walking is not a problem. I agree that jogging probably is out of the question. Your post and also the one before helped me beeing more aware of what I do, especially when you wrote “We need to be as mindful as possible”. At one time I wanted to take a train, but couldn’t reach the plattform because the elevator was broken and I had my bycicle with me. I faced three flights of stairs, the train was supposed to arrive in five minutes but could I do this with my knees? Normally I would have tried anyway, but then I thought of your post and thought: no screw this, I am taking a different train on a plattform where the elevator works, even though it takes longer. Good decision for my knees I think.
With both MRTs the ligaments or tendons were okay. My doctor even said about the second MRT that they couldn’t find any problem at all, which was a problem at the time, since knee No.2 was hurting a lot despite of that. But he precribed a bandage and a day later suddenly something clicked, and the knee was set right. I think the bandage is to thank for that. The knee is still in some ways more strained than knee No1, but way way better than before.
So all I wanted to say is for now things are looking up. The post got a bit longer than I planned, but really just wanted to give the feedback that things are good right now and thats is also thanks to your posts before. Hope you are doing well!June 1, 2019 at 7:27 am #296723
What an uplifting update, thank you for posting it!
Good mindful practice at the train station. I am glad both knees feel better. Keep the mindfulness practice. This practice will continue to minimize your chances of getting injured and maximize your chances of being healthy in every way. I am doing well, my ankle pain is long gone (what a relief!)
Post again here on this thread, or start another, if you need to or want to anytime in the future.